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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He brings girlfriend back to marital home while wife upstairs

21 replies

superminx1 · 02/05/2009 18:58

Trying to support my femalefriend. Her and DH have been together 19yrs and have DD & DS. Had row and he became needy said wondered if she wanted divorce. It has escalated and house up for sale last 3 months. Seperate bedrooms, hardly speaking now. Also lot of stress going through school appeal process.
Now he tells my friend (his wife)he has a girlfriend who is much better/nicer than his wife.
He is bringing this girlfrind back to the home in the evenings and cooking meals etc, using the wifes car to take girlfried out etc. My friend hides in her room and is at breaking point. She is angry and tells all that her husband is an adulterer.If the girlfriend was acquired after they seperated (but still live in same house)is it classed as adultery? He is a pig to bring girlfriend home and maybe he is trying to get wife's attention. They have always been competive.Need advice to pass on please.

OP posts:

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cocolepew · 02/05/2009 19:01

Change the locks and see a solicitor.

He's being a tit, but he is living there and presumably paying his bit, so he thinks it's ok to do this. It's awful that your friend is hiding in her bedroom.

GumsNRoses · 02/05/2009 19:04

Tell her to get a man friend to come round, and cosy up to him on the couch, see how he likes it.

Or her boot connecting with g/f backside, and the dont let the door hit your arse on the way out might work.

norksinmywaistband · 02/05/2009 19:04

it is technically adultery, whilst they are married. many divorces are granted because of this.
If I was your friend I would see a solicitor asap, and get rid of the arrogant B***d asap.
I don't know how your friend has coped with this

thesilverlining · 02/05/2009 19:15

jesus and I thought i had problems!

i agree with all the others who said find a solicitor - ASAP!

MamazonFirstladyofFilth · 02/05/2009 19:18

does it matter whether its classed as adultary or not. its cuntery certainly.

Janos · 02/05/2009 19:33

This is extremely cruel and nasty behaviour, even if it isn't "technically" adultery.

How on earth is he able to use friends car? Can she not get keys off him/stop him doing this, at least?

I can't begin to understand why the new gf is going along with this, unless she's being paid! (sorry). She really must have zero self esteem/respect.

Catz · 02/05/2009 19:39

It is adultery. They are still married and he is having sex with another person. The fact that the relationship has broken down doesn't change that.

Nighbynight · 02/05/2009 19:46

Blimey. Legal advice and split from the git as fast as possible.

junglist1 · 03/05/2009 08:35

Wow. If my P tried this him and his floozy would be out the door black and blue. She must be in total shock!!!
I agree with getting legal advice, and quick. The fact she's hiding in her room is very worrying. Could she go and stay somewhere to build her strength up, with family or friends

piscesmoon · 03/05/2009 08:52

I wouldn't go in my room, I would stay there with them and play him at his own game. Make her own meal in the middle of all his preparations, engage the woman in conversation ask her if she wants coffee etc.Watch TV and say 'don't mind me'. The woman will be very uncomfortable and they will stop.
At least that is what I would like to do-I appreciate that I'm not emotionally involved and probably she couldn't cope with it.

TeaOneSugar · 03/05/2009 09:01

What sort of woman is this gf , we wife needs to take control, with legal and family support.

TeaOneSugar · 03/05/2009 09:02

the wife

piscesmoon · 03/05/2009 09:07

I don't suppose the gf knows the set up. It is a great pity the wife is probably too upset to do it because she could have great fun if she was up to it! 5 minutes of friendly chat would probably have them out of the house-even a brooding silent presence or a tearful performance would do the trick and have them out in a jiffy! He is being a bully because he knows he can get away with it.
Perhaps a better alternative is for her to have a friend around in the evenings and not to budge when he comes in-it would give moral support.

Heated · 03/05/2009 09:13

Get your friend to invite her family/friends round & even her soon-to-be ex MIL for a cosy evening in. Then change locks, put his clothes in bin-bags out the front (try to avoid charity bag collection day). See a v good solicitor & name the gf in the divorce proceedings.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/05/2009 09:17

Agree with the others. Tell her to stop hiding! It's her house too, get downstairs and watch tv, do what she likes. Also, she should invite mates round too, and have a social life.

And TAKE THE CAR KEYS OFF HIM!!

if it's her car, take him off the insurance and if he tries to drive it, report him to the police.

Heated · 03/05/2009 09:19

'Oh good, he's persuaded you; threesomes are such fun.'

2rebecca · 03/05/2009 16:33

I would either wail outside the bedroom door or play something like je t'aime at high volume shouting "is it this good for you" at intervals through the bedroom door. He and the girlfriend will run away. Hiding in her room is worse and most useless thing she can do, although understandable.
This is an awful thing to do to the children. I would get a divorce for adultery going and make sure children are around in evenings unless it's their bed time and agreee have friends round, and maybe a few relatives.

darcysotherhalf · 03/05/2009 20:37

crikey, sounds like an odd set up. is grounds for divorce (citing adultery or unreasonable behaviour). however, doesn't sounds straightforward to my ears -

firstly, the house is up for sale, and they live in separate bedrooms, is the house in joint names? can they not just transfer names on deed into wive/husband mortgage payers name?

as they are in separate bedrooms, presumably they are no longer have martial relations, especially as he has told her he has a new girlfriend. so presume they are definitely separated.

is the wives car hers or is the car in his name? is he on the insurance? if he isn't on the insurance, legally he cannot use it. and vice versa.

may sound harsh, but he doesn't sound horrible - if both parties are unable to move due to finances, then is quite reasonable for him to bring his new partner round. would be best if the wife spoke to him and explained that it was making her uncomfortable insomuch as she was having to stay in her room while she was there - perhaps they could work out an arrangement around this? would see solicitor re divorce, mortgage transfer, car insurance/ car tax etc.

dittany · 03/05/2009 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 03/05/2009 22:40

I don't suppose the girlfriend knows the set up. If the wife was emotionally strong enough she could have a fun time sitting beside them and being patronising! The worst thing she can do is stay in the bedroom and let him get away with his appalling behaviour.

LoveBeingAMummy · 04/05/2009 07:55

Interesting first post

And I notice you haven't posted back.....

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