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Does anyone feel like they lead a seperate life from dh???

9 replies

mummytopebs · 02/05/2009 15:14

Just gona have a little rant am feeling very pissed off at moment, dont know what is going on. Feel like i live apart from dh we both go to work and come home i deal with dd he goes to the gym 3 nights a week with his friend and disappears the other 2 nights to visist family etc. He gets 1 day off a week during this time he always seems to spend it with this friend, doing the car, sorting our caravan ot and stuff, and this friend seems to be coming on family day trips with us.

I work every saturday night and his friend comes round for a takeaway every sat noght, when he is not with his friend he is talking to him on the phone - the friend by the way is male and i have asked dh if he is gay and he says dont be stupid

It just seems dh doesnt care what i do, i went to magaluf for a hen do for 3 days and he encouraged me to go, he is always encouraging me to go out with friends etc. Feel like he doesnt want to spend time with me. I even mentioned moving out and he just said go if you are unhappy!!! Sorry its long just a bit confused

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Simply · 02/05/2009 15:27

I'm sure someone will go out with much better advice in a mo, but until then......

How much time does your dh spend with you and your dd if he goes out so much?

As you've been away for a few days it seems to me that he's happy for you to do things on your own and he likes to do things separately from you, too. It's just the way he is and how he likes it, it seems.

Can you sit him down and tell him how you feel? It's a big thing, mentioning moving out and I guess you expected quite a reaction to that, but his reaction was quite strange. I'd have thought he'd have wanted to talk it over properly immediately.

Hth a bit. I hope you can work things out soon.

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mummytopebs · 02/05/2009 15:32

I have told him we never seem to do stuff together and he said tis just cos he is busy!

I wanted a big reaction when i mentioned moving out but saying go if you are unhappy makes me think he doesnt want me here. Dont get me wrong he is a brill dad but it seems to me and dd a lot together recently. DD has always came in our bed about 2 am and dh goes in her bed but lately he is not even bothered if she sleeps all night in out bed from 7.30pm, and he is not interested in sex at moment. He is outside with his friend talking to our neighbour, he will spend hours talking to others but not to me

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Simply · 02/05/2009 15:59

Is he not sure of his role, his purpose, perhaps?

Spending hours talking to others mean he's not spending that time with you or dd, doesn't it? I don't understand it.

Do you want him to spend less time with his friend? If so, why not tell him after you've already thought of which nights or how many times a week you'd like it brought down to.

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mummytopebs · 02/05/2009 16:02

no he doesnt spend that much time with me or dd at the moment. He works long hours and 6 days a week and suppose this is how he chills out but to me its isolating. I want him to spend more time with me and dd but feel he doesnt want to spend it with me

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Simply · 02/05/2009 16:04

Right. How about getting him to spend time alone with dd intially i.e. taking her to the park for half an hour, taking her swimming etc. Then he can bring her home and tell you all about what they saw and did, leaves they collected or whatever and perhaps he'll feel more involved and remember that you're a family. At the moment it looks to me like he's almost behaving like he's single still. Sorry about my poor English, I'm rushing.

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mummytopebs · 02/05/2009 16:11

I agree at the moment it is like we live seperate lives, am really toying with the idea that maybe he is gay!

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Simply · 02/05/2009 17:04

When he's with his friend, it's a very undemanding lifestyle isn't it?

Friend: Fancy a beer?
Your dh: Good idea!

Your dh: Shall we have a takeaway?
Friend: Yes, sounds good!

Whereas at my house converstions between dh and I start with....
Have you remembered to order more oil?
Have you sent that cheque off yet?
Have you booked the car in for the MOT?
Have you booked ds into that football club yet?
Are you going to take dd to her friend's house or am I?
a lot of drudgery type stuff, really...

and then we get on the interesting, personal stuff.

As for wondering if he's gay, I'm sorry, it's not something I'd know how to approach.

Sorry, must dash. I've got to collect dd.

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HolyGuacamole · 02/05/2009 18:24

Are you being serious about him possible being gay? Or just kidding and making light of it?

Apart from that, I'd be concerned at a partner who shows such a lackadaisical attitude towards spending time with me and even more so if he showed such a lack of caring as to say "go if you're not happy".

Serious chat time. No arguing, no blaming, just you telling how you feel really. If he refuses to change or compromise, then maybe it is time to either accept he is like this and live with it....or consider whether you get enough from the relationship to continue with it.

If you accept this without actually being ok with the way he is, you could risk ending up very bitter and resentful towards him. Also, the saying is true that sometimes people don't know what they have lost ill they lose it.

Is he young?