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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trying to contact my sister, nervous, am I doing right thing? (long sorry)

12 replies

JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 08:03

Bit of background, my father was physically and emotionally abusive to us all our lives. My mum knew about the emotional but she was abused to, she had no idea about the physical until I told her (I know it was a shock, she isn't that good an actress!)
About 8 years ago my mum started divorce proceedings against my father for various reasons and myself, my brother (B) and one of my sisters (A) cut contact with him, my other sisters still speak to him.
Fast forward a few years and A confronted my father about hsi behaviour but he denied everything. She then started blaming my mum. I don't really know what went on there TBH.

Then when I was pregnant with DD1 she came to stay with all the baby things from my DN, her DD. We had a row as my house wasn't cleaned to her standards and she ended up leaving at 9pm the next night as she 'couldn't spend another night in this disgustingly filthy house.'

I saw her a few more times while visiting my mum but she took the decision about 2 years ago to cut all contact with us all except B. I don't know what prompted this, I didn't even know she ahd until I stopped getting calls, answers to texts, presents etc

B goes to visit her with his girlfriend at her new house regularly and passes on small bits of info (her new job, which sounds perfect for her, her new hosue etc) but refuses to pass on addresses or numbers, or even photos.
A has never acknowledged the existence of DD2, whoc is now 18 months which is why I have never made much of an effort as I was cross with her.
It is her birthday in a few days and I wanted to send her a photo of them along with a birthday card, with justa happy birthday message in, but B is ignoring my requests for an address, or to agree to pass it along. He does piss me off about this and is a little too smug abotu being the only one who she speaks to, and has no idea how upsetting it is (he's the youngest and was always treated a bit preciously. He was never hit, the only one of us)
I have a mobile number which I have just sent a message saying that I would love her address to send a photo and card and that I miss her but no reply yet.

DH reckons I should just leave it and let her go off and be on her own, but he comes from a 'normal' family and doesn't quite get it!

I feel a bit sick now and am really nervous, what if she doesn't reply? How can I get her address/number? Shoudl I try or respect ehr decision even though I want her to know that I am here.
I have been sending DN presents and cards (she is now 11) but have kept it to Boots vouchers and similar as I have no idea if they are getting to her. I know she rips up mail from my mum as B has told us that.

Will stop waffling now, I just need to get thi out where there are people who might understand. Tahnks for reading if you got this far!

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Dior · 02/05/2009 08:07

I think that, if she doesn't want to be found, you should respect that, no matter how much it hurts.

Have you had any counselling for the abuse?

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JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 08:14

The thing is, its not that she doesn't want to be found, db knows where she is and passes on presents to DN, she just doesn't seem to want to speak to us.

I know you are right, this si exactly DH's point, but I just have this strong need to let her know I want to be her sister still. I mean, I haven't done anything wrong (IMO) and we always got on really well.

Not had counselling, I have dealt with it in my own way.

It sucks. I want my sister back!

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chequersmate · 02/05/2009 08:20

You poor thing

I have no advice really, but wanted to sympathise.

Is your brother prepared to discuss you with her at all?

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JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 08:25

thanks chequers.
He has said he doesn't like to bring us up as he doesn't want her to cut contact with him too. But he is so useless at stuff like this.

The fact that she speaks to him gives me hope that she stillw ants contact with the family but I don't know. She didn't go to our much lvoed granny's funeral either last year which I think broke my mums heart.

Got to go offline now as am getting teary and am on my own with DC.

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chequersmate · 02/05/2009 08:26

OK JB, take care xx

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JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 08:27

I don't think it (me getting upset)helps that I am consumed with jealousy for DB's GF who says how she hangs out with my DN and yet I haven't seen ehr in years and I find it really hard to get really pally with her because of it. That's so horrible of me. I am pleasant to her and DB has not mentioned that he doesn't thinkI am nice to her, but, well, I'm not as ncie as I coudl be, and it's not even her fault.

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JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 08:27

really going now. honest

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mrsboogie · 02/05/2009 16:58

why don't you write the card and send it to your DB asking him to pass it on. Say you won't hassle her again and will just be there when she decides to get back in touch.

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JackBauerkillspigs · 02/05/2009 20:08

I think that is what I am going to do. No answer frmo her mobile but then I am not sure it is still her number.
DB is still refusing to let me know her address. I asked him to forward a text and he wouldn't.
He does pass on presents to DN which is how I know she gets them.

thanks for letting me get that out of my system, it is still upsetting but I have calmed down a bit. I think talking to my SIL yesterday is what set me off (DH's sister) as I get on so well with her it makes me miss my sister as we were always closest, well, I thought anyway.

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toomanystuffedbears · 03/05/2009 14:23

Hi, sorry you are going through this with your sister. It is easier to understand with non-family relationships, but sometimes a relationship will expire. I know it is hurtful that it was your sister rather than you who made the decision, or rather, made the decision first.

I agree with the others, in that you should stop 'begging' (for lack of a better term) for her attention. I wouldn't be too happy with your brother either. From what you described, it seems he baits you so he can deny you-is this entertainment for him?

It is hard to do, but I suggest that you also take a break from even thinking about your sister for a while (a few weeks at least). Then you may be able to think about the circumstanaces from a different perspective which might help you discover why she has turned on you (for example: is there sibling rivalry, does she have a superiority complex, is she just turning into a snob?).

In the mean time, cultivate your relationship with your sil.

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AccioPinotGrigio · 03/05/2009 14:46

I think your brother is behaving unfairly. I am guessing that your sister is a strong personality, possibly controlling and certainly capable of manipulating your brother so that he feels that he has to do as she tells him. He seems to only take her wishes and feelings into account and not yours. In my view he should be making some attempt at mediation. Perhaps he is just very young and insensitive - certainly this is how your SIL comes over - silly and insensitive.

I am really sorry you are going through this, it's an unpleasant place to be but you are doing the right thing by continuing to acknowledge your DN and in a way sending a message to your sister that you are there for her when she needs you and she will always know where she can find you.

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JackBauerKillsPigs · 03/05/2009 20:31

Thanks for replies.
toomany, I haven't 'begged' (Iknow what you mean) for attention at all, I haven't spoken to/heard from or tried to contact my sister for 2 and a half years now apart from sending a present to my DN once a year. I have left it this long precisely so I can have a bit of distance from teh hurt. I did post on here about it and re-reading my post it is clear to me I am a lot calmer than then IYSWIM.

She is quite controlling and a very strong personality but my bro is not trying to piss me off (I think), he's not good enough to do that without me realising, he's just a complete clot when it comes to other's feelings. I had to bollock him hugely at christmas when he was confused as to why my mum was upset (her first christmas on her own, and he didn't get her a card or even a token present as he couldn't find anything he liked and then rang her to tell her this)

I spoke to him (via text) earlier and he has agreed to pass on a card when he next sees her, he now says he doesn't know the number of her house so can't give me address but I think a card is the best way to do it, and I am not going to write anything in it apart from Happy Birthday so non-confrontational as well.