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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone still friendly with ex-MIL? Is this weird?

20 replies

YanknCock · 01/05/2009 20:43

Ex-MIL in town tomorrow and I've agreed to go see her at her hotel. DH2 is worried about me going, thinks I will be 'upset'. I think he's a bit overprotective as I am pregnant and have antenatal depression.

Background:
XH and I were married for 4.5 years and split up two years ago. His mum was very sad, she really thought of me as a daughter, and she has made an effort to keep in contact with me, going so far as to say it's none of XH's business if we still talk (he 'banned' me from talking to her at one point).

She was very supportive of my desire to have children during the marriage, and was on my side as far as the need for us to try sooner rather than later due to my having PCOS. I know she is sad that the child I'm expecting is not her grandchild, but I also know she is pleased for me because she knew how much I wanted this.

I think I will be sad, because I do miss her and haven't gotten to see her for two years now. Just wondering what people think, is staying in contact with an Ex-MIL really weird or that unusual?

OP posts:

Report

howtotellmum · 01/05/2009 20:45

I have several friends who do this- you are not alone.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 01/05/2009 20:47

My friend is still very close to her exMIL to the point that she and her did Mother's day together

MintyyAeroEgg · 01/05/2009 20:51

It may be a bit unusual but I think its great that she wants to keep in touch with you and I think you should meet her and have a great time. She obviously lives quite a distance away from you, so its not like she'll be living in your pockets from now on, iyswim.

stitchtime · 01/05/2009 20:55

unusual, but why weird?

ellingwoman · 01/05/2009 21:02

Was divorced 26 years ago but still love ex-MIL and would do anything for her. Love all the ex-family in fact and still feel they are part of me even though me and ex-dh were only married for 4 years.

YanknCock · 01/05/2009 21:02

'weird' --- because DH2 used that word. I think he has a hard time separating Ex-MIL from XH, who he doesn't have much respect for. DH2 and I got together just as I was separating from XH, and he remembers how miserable it all was for me. I suppose he thinks it's 'weird' that I'd want to spend time with anyone who reminds me of XH?

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 01/05/2009 21:03

I think it is nice-not weird.

Kimi · 01/05/2009 21:12

I think it is lovely that you and she can still be friends.
It is not weird at all, have a lovely time with her. x

tigerdriver · 01/05/2009 21:17

not weird at all. My exMIL was one of my best friends even though there was about a 50 yr age gap between us. she knew that "D"H1 and I wouldn't work out, and said to me that she was glad that I had DH2 (who was on the scene then) as he would be better for me than her DS. fast forward 20 odd years, I am married to DH2, we have DS, exMIL is long in the salon in the sky but if she wasn't I'd still be friends with her

Pinkglow · 01/05/2009 22:39

my friends ex MIL and FIL attended her second wedding, she got on better with them than her exH

edam · 01/05/2009 22:48

I think it's nice. But can see why your dh might be a little bit concerned.

whereismumhiding · 02/05/2009 13:31

No I think it's nice.

Your exMIL is not your XH. She is not responsible for his behaviour. She is a different person. If she is your friend, then she is your friend.

DH2 might be anxious that this is somehow you wanting to hold onto your previous XH. Can you reassure him that it is nothing to do with XH, but about XH having so little consequence that it doesnt matter, she's simply your friend?

YanknCock · 02/05/2009 13:45

Thanks for the replies everyone. Going to get ready to meet her now.

DH definitely knows this is not about hanging on to XH. But I get the sense that he thinks Ex-MIL is slightly responsible for XH's behaviour---as in 'you should have raised him not to be such a dickhead' IYSWIM.

I'm sure he'll get over that notion when/if our own son behaves like a jackass in a relationship--just may take 20+ years or so

OP posts:

Bucharest · 02/05/2009 13:47

My Mum remained on fantastic terms with my paternal g/m after the divorce....I do think you have to be careful though- my cousin and his wofe split up and he ended up falling out with his mother who kept up a relationship with the ex-DIL (no children involved)

YanknCock · 02/05/2009 20:10

Back now, had a lovely time. And a bit of a surprise, as my Ex-FIL was also there. I'd been under the impression he didn't want to see me, but he was absolutely lovely, they both were. Was really good to see them after so long.

There was what could have been an awkward moment....we were walking to a cafe, and ran into my DH2 coming the other direction (he'd come into town with me but was running other errands). But it was fine, we went to the cafe together, had a quick bite. DH2 did his PhD in the town Ex-PILs live in, so discussed all the changes to city centre.

Was really a pleasant afternoon. DH2 thought they were really nice, and it seemed like Ex-PILs were happy for us with baby on the way. Really couldn't have asked for it to turn out any better.

OP posts:

MintyyAeroEgg · 02/05/2009 21:16

Oh good, that is nice. Sounds like you are pleased you made the effort .

piscesmoon · 02/05/2009 22:06

Glad it went well.
I don't see why it shouldn't-it is a separate relationship from exH. My PIL from my first marrriage are part of the family-DH2 quite happy to see them.

Monkeyandbooba · 02/05/2009 22:08

I still have contact with mine (DH1 died) and cherish that relationship, we get on very well so I miss her a lot

piscesmoon · 02/05/2009 22:19

My DH1 died too-perhaps that makes a difference. His parents are just part of the whole extended family.

pooka · 02/05/2009 22:25

MY mother maintained an excellent relationship with her ex-mil (my paternal grandmother). Was invited to grandmother's 80th and 90th birthdays. Came to her funeral.

I spent heaps of time with my grandmother after my parents separated - had a whale of a time, and my mother was pleased that via my grandmother I maintained a close relationship with my aunts and cousins. Not that my dad didn't encourage that, just that the family organisation and planning of events was out of his "domain" to a certain extent - it had always been my mother doing that.

Oddly, my mother and step-mother get on reasonably well. They aren't best friends, but could have been good friends I think, if my step-mother wasn't married to my father!

I wonder if it is seen differently if there are children (i.e. me and my brothers) involved, as well as "blame" being apportioned to my father (who had an affair which eventually led to the breakdown of the marriage).

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