Driving me completely crazy...

[scoutandjem]

DH and I have been together 15 yrs and have two DS. I am SAHM until this Sept. when I re-train to become a secondary teacher.

Every week or two DH goes out with his mates and drinks too much. Most of the time I am not informed until he is out. Sometimes he comes back in time for food but vast majority its past midnight and I am trying to get some sleep.

Yesterday came home drunk at 8pm. Started early that day. I tried to explain that this is unacceptable behaviour. I do love being a SAHM but miss freedom of doing things spontaneously and perhaps he should show me more consideration. He replied I could drink every day if I wanted after I'd picked the kids up from school and nursery??!! Completely missed the point there!!

Next he explained to me that he works all day and is v stressed. At this point due to his raising anger levels and complete incomprehension of what I was getting at I asked him to stop talking to me. So we sat in silence, watched Damages and then to bed.

Am I asking the impossible that he keeps me informed of when he is out and doesn't get so pissed he falls asleep on the loo?

We have been to Relate over this issue but he refuses to change his behaviour.

Except for his excessive drinking we have a good relationship. Thanks for any advice x

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Don't try talking to him when he's drunk or hungover. Wait till he's home, sober, not too stressed, DC in bed etc, and say, "We need to talk..." Ask him what's stressing him at work, look at ways the two of you can address that stress without him resorting to effectively going off radar every couple of weeks. I understand the "pint after work" that ends up as far too many pints after work, but it is unfair on you. Explain what you'd like to do spontaneously - he's likely to be thinking that as a SAHM you're doing nothing all day anyway. Gently correct this impression...

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Some questions for you:-

What's he like in between the times he go out with his mates?. Is he more reasonable? Does he always get hammered on such occasions?.

Has this always been an issue between you even in the early days and before you married?. Leading on from that, do you think that he actually has a drink problem?.

Its also not solely about you and he. Your children although in bed when he comes in are likely to be aware that something is amiss between their Mum and Dad. Any bad vibes affects them as well, they hear the arguments and feel the underlying tension. What are you both teaching them here?.

I think the fact that he's refusing to change his behaviour is very telling. Its been enough of a problem for you both to go to Relate over. Is this really a good relationship aside from his excessive drinking?.

You cannot change him - but you can change how you react to him.

If you are worried about his drinking I would contact Al-anon and seek support for your own self.

[scoutandjem]

He is a wonderful father and husband. The children go to bed at seven and have only ever heard us argue once In sainsburys when we couldn't find one another!! DS1 was most upset, he's six, and asked us to stop having hot faces!

He used to be a happy drunk but that has all changed in last six months. I understand he's stressed but he refuses to worry me (so he thinks) and goes out on the beer instead.

When I ask him not to he becomes so childish and says all his mates are going out why shouldn't he? He's 36 years old but does act 18 years!

At Relate a couple of years ago he said he had no idea how much it upset me. Since then he's been done for DD (locked in cell for night) and stayed out all night in another county. He refused to take my calls on both occassion as he knew I'd be cross.

OMG as I'm writing this I can't believe what I have put up with.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

scoutandjem

I had a feeling you were going to write "he's a wonderful father and husband". Sometimes women in these situations actually write that because they have nothing else positive themselves to write about their H.

Do you love him?.

Stress and beer are uneasy bedfellows (he's also using his stress as an excuse to drink) and you also write he used to be a happy drunk. That is extremely telling.

Your role in this relationship is more like one of enabler to him these days (many women in these situations end up becoming their partners enabler) - you have enabled him to date and you've put up with a hell of a lot from him. Alcoholism is a cruel mistress; he is also having a relationship with drink.

"At Relate a couple of years ago he said he had no idea how much it upset me.

Many alcoholics as well are in denial of their problem and many also underestimate how much ther are drinking along with the effects of their drinking on others around them.

"Since then he's been done for DD (locked in cell for night) and stayed out all night in another county. He refused to take my calls on both occassion as he knew I'd be cross".

He knew you'd be cross eh?!. Think that is the understatement of the year!. Not least the embarrassment and shame put upon yourself as his wife by his behaviour (I am referring to his night in the cells here for drink driving - I presume this is what DD stands for). Presumably as well you were phoned by the police to tell you of his actions.

You need support for your own self - as he has said before he will not change so its down to you ultimately. The children won't thank you though for them growing up with a Dad with a drink problem and or alcohol dependency issues. Alcoholism affects everyone caught up around the drinker.

BTW, what's the longest he's ever gone without alcohol?. How many people amongst your family and friends know of all this?. Not many I would hazard, this all thrives on secrecy as well.

I would certainly be talking to Al-anon in your circumstances. You need their support as well.

[scoutandjem]

Nobody knows how I feel, too ashamed, all my girlfriends are tough individuals, always said we would never put up with any shit. He knows we would have seperated by now if it wasn't for the children.

He wanted to celebrate with a few beers after his conviction for DD wasn't as bad as he thought. My mum was with us and I thought what kinda idoit have I married.

Despite all of this evidence he doesn't see he has a problem. I did ask him to leave after he stayed out all night at a friends house. He told me so many different stories about that night to this day I have no idea what happened and if another woman was involved. When I got through to his friend and asked to speak to my husand I heard a woman's voice in backgroud saying his name. Will not bore you with the excuse he came out with.

I asked him to leave while I considered options (there were none)he came home after three days full of apologies and I took him back. Honestly I have no idea what I would have told the children if I didn't. He works/drinks so frequently that they didn't have a chance to miss him or guess anything was up.

Hoping that doing my PGCE, getting a job will give me the self-esteem to get grip on situation but now not sure if I can wait till then.