Does he do too much?

[OhIDunno]

Brief background:
Until dd was one dh did almost nothing either around the house or with her. He would sometimes take her for a walk or to the park (he did this I think 5 or 6 times), he changed maybe 3 nappies in that year and he ironed his work clothes-that was all.

Then we found out I was expecting ds so I made him learn how to fold/unfold the pushchar, strap her into her carseat, got him to change more nappies, do some washing up, hoover occasionally....

He now:
Leaves for work at around 8.45/9am and returns at 6.30pm.

He then baths the children and gets them ready for bed.

We usually put one each to bed.

After dinner he will usually wash up (75% of the time)

He puts the bins out and mows the lawn

He does most of the ironing (we don't iron everything, just trousers/skirts/outer tops)

DS wakes at 5am so I bring him in bed with us and feed him, he'll then climb all over me until 6.30/7am when dh will get up with him and give him his breakfast. I stay in bed and try to get a few minutes sleep until dd wakes (usually 7.30/7.45am). DH also dresses ds most days.

If either child wakes in the night I deal with them.

DH is starting to act hard done by (particularly regarding getting up with ds in the mornings and washing up after dinner) so I am now feeling guilty and as if I expect him to do too much. What do you think?

[ramonaquimby]

you are home all day with the kids?

get a dishwasher maybe
and maybe the sleeping, you could get up a few days as well

sleep is always a hot topic in terms of which parent is getting more, at least when the kids are young and need supervising

[ginnny]

I think you are very lucky and that he does a lot more than most men I know.
a man who does the ironing!!!

[Songbird]

I don't think it sounds like he does 'too much'. Maybe you could ask what he wouldn't mind doing if you do more mornings and washing up.

[paranoidmother]

My DH does the following:

Awake at 6am and gets DS up - always awake by then
DS gets into bed with me. DH gets milk for kids, has breakfast and does some warm ups, oh and empties the bins.
7am - DH goes to work, he cycles for about an hour 17-20 miles each way.
6.30pm he's home again
Plays with kids, baths them (I sit and chat to him as they want him to bath them as they haven't seen him all day and he's a novelty by that time)
We read a couple of stories to them and then he finishes off and gets them to bed/sleep.
He then has tea - helps wash up.
He does mowing at weekend - half an acre
Cleans his bike, makes the meals when i work, cleans up, does the washing, Hangs it out etc.

He'd like to do less but know it means we get to spend more time together if it's all got out of the way.

[paranoidmother]

Oh at night whilst he's awake he sees the kids and once he's asleep I get up for the kids.

Neither of us iron unless it's our own shirts

[kidowner]

Why the thread?

Does he think he's doing too much and complaining?

SAHMs need time out too.

Sounds a bit like the division of labour in my home but dh wants to be part of the team of familydom. We have a dishwasher and dc help out too.

It depends on your family dynamics at the end of the the day, are you/dh feeling ok or sad?

[Overmydeadbody]

Sounds like you are very lucky.

How about just taking it in turns with the washing up, alternate days, so he can't grumble?

As for the waking early, he has two kids, he has a responsibility to look after them juat as much as you.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

A dad can never do too much.

It is a joint effort.

[HensMum]

List out what you do, as you've done for your DH and compare lists. Probably best not to show the lists to you DH but it'll show you how much you both do - you probably do more than you think...

[BunnyAndJoon]

DH goes to work at varying times (from 5.30 to 7.45) and gets home anywhere from 5.30 to 6.30. He pretty much always baths the kids, and puts DD (2 yo) to bed most nights. DS (9) doesn't need much putting to bed, but DH will often go and read his school book with him. DH helps clear up after dinner, does all of the ironing (mostly his uniform and DS's school stuff), but he is better at ironing than me .

He is on a course at the moment and has had homework to do. On Thursday night he said "oh I meant to polish some shoes, never mind. Where does all the time go?" I said "sorry, you were dealing with kids" to which he said "well that's how it should be!"

We also have 1 lie in each at the weekends, he lies in on Saturday, me on Sunday. He also tries to make sure that he takes them away for a few hours on at least one of those days to give me a break.

[LoveMyGirls]

I work FT as a childminder, My dp works FT

gets up at 6.20 (4 days, I do 1 day and then we each get 1 lie in on my lie in day he will sometimes get me breakfast and a cuppa in bed) does dd's breakfast most days, irons all clothes, unloads and stacks dishwasher, will hoover if asked, baths dd2 most days, helps dd1 with homework and is in charge of making sure the bin and recycling goes out (though I will do it if he asks) and keeping the garden in control though I often tidy the toys out there. I do the majority of childcare (obviously) housework/ washing/ DIY and paperwork for my business and our home.

We have a cleaner twice a month for 2 hours.

[OhIDunno]

Kidowner the thread is because he is huffing and sighing whenever he gets up in the morning and when he does the washing up. Actually I was doing the washing up until about 3 weeks ago when I was ill so was going to bed earlier and it is just the dinner stuff-I wash up after breakfast and after the kids have had their tea.

Hensmum I know if you break down all the houshold chores I do then that list is a lot longer but he is out at work all day as well. A lot of what I do is while he is at work and when he is home we are both 'working' for equal amounts of time eg I am cooking dinner/tidying up while he baths the dc. At weekends I do the housework as usual and he spends time playing with the children.

Ramona yes both children are home all day with me.

It is the morning thing that is the biggest issue I think...DS has only just started sleeping through til 5 so I was getting up to him several times in the night and then getting up with him at 5. After a year of that I started asking dh to get up with him to give me half an hour break from ds before I had him for the rest of the day. DS sleeps through 5 nights out of 7 now so I'm not up in the night every night but I am up with him at 5 every day. We can't alternate that because ds is breastfed and wants milk first thing so I do feel as if it isn't tthat unreasonable to expect dh to get up at 7 when I've already had 2 hours of ds climbing all over me. But at the same time I do feel guilty about it. At weekends dh gets up with ds then goes back to bed for a couple of hours.

[Comewhinewithme]

We have 5 dc and no6 is due anytime .

Most days dp gets up at 6am and takes 3 year old down he makes breakfast for everyone . I get up at 7am and dress/wash dc .

He usually tidies kitchen up in morning too.

He does morning school run then goes to work.

I do afternoon school run and do all housework/washing /shopping that needs doing and I make the evening meal everyday and clean up after it.

I usually bath dc and he gets pj's ready.

At weekends we used to take it in turns for a lie in but I usually wake up and he has taken them down since I was pg ...but he usually goes out to football or to see a mate at some point over the weekend so it all works out ok.

I just think t sounds like you both do your equal share of things if he feels hard done by over washing up tell him to buy a dishwaher .

[knickers0nmahead]

wow, he does quite a bit! i think maybe you should get up with ds a few mornings too though.

[paisleyleaf]

I agree with your DH a bit
but depends on all sorts of things, like what is it he does at work, what are you doing when he gets in from work and is bathing kids, mowing lawn, washing up, ironing.

[SamJamsmum]

I think it depends a bit on how much you are getting disturbed at night and how much sleep you are managing to get. How old is your youngest?

[Acinonyx]

We have a similar arrangement. Dd was a terrible sleeper as a baby and I was on duty until 6am then dh would take her for 2 hours so I could get some extra sleep. She now sleeps through to 6.30-7.30 but dh still gets up with her and I lie in until 8. He decided to keep the habit so that he has time with her before work and I like it - I HATE mornings. He gets to lie in on Sundays.

He gets home about 6-6.30 and looks after dd, do jammies and bath, then I read her down from 7.30-8.

If there is dissention - it is usually about chores. We have a dish washer which I have been encorouging dh to make friends with and we now have all ironing done weekly - and I would love a cleaner if and when we can afford it. I work 3 days/week - but I only have one child.

I think as long as you are getting up during the night it is reasonable for him to get up with them in the morning. Most of the dh's I know are very helpful actually and do breakfasts and bedtimes on work days.

[abbierhodes]

There have been similar threads to this before.
I think it isn't really about listing who does what, but about making sure you each have the same amount of relaxation time. So if he's ironing or doing the washing up, are you doing some other housework?
DH and I agreed to get up at the same time...no one gets a lie in...as there was much less resentment that way! But in your case, that would mean your DH getting up at 5 to make you a cuppa while you BF your little one. Would he see that as fair? If you put it to him like that, he might prefer to get up at 7 without the huffing!

[OhIDunno]

Thanks for your responses everyone.

Actually if nothing else this thread has made me realise something quite fundamental...I actually hold more resentment than I thought for him having done so little in the past. It was almost becoming an AIBU by stealth because I was reading the responses and thinking of "yes but..." answers to them all eg to knickers I was thinking "well yes but until January or February I was doing the nights AND early mornings so it's only fair he does them now"

So yeah, I need to get over that somehow. I do know I am lucky that he does so much now, it's pretty unusual I think for someone to go from doing nothing to doing so much. It's quite a big behaviour change on his part so I suppose it is understandable that he isn't doing it especially willingly.

Paisley - he is a community worker so does both office work and driving around local area meeting with people. While he baths kids I am tidying up from day, getting the kids night nappies and pjs ready, cooking dinner. We have a tiny lawn so it takes him all of ten minutes but I am usually doing other garden stuff/housework or looking after children. I get the bins together and he then takes the bags out and puts the bin round the front. I sort the recycling stuff and he takes the box out. While he irons I am doing housework and keeping the children away from the iron. When he does the washing up I am sitting down or in the bath/shower so yes then he is doing something while I'm not.

SamJam ds is 17 months, dd is just 3. I'm not getting a lot of sleep because after 3 years of waking regularly through the night it seems to be ingrained in my body clock so I tend to toss and turn between 1 and 4.30 whether the dc wake up or not! That isn't dh's fault though (apart from that the sound of him sleeping peacefully enrages me when I can't sleep )

[paisleyleaf]

Well then I think all that sounds fair enough then

[nkf]

You are all married to stars. Stars, I tell you.

[kidowner]

It's important for dads to have a role in familydom other than just income earning because of what it teaches the next generation.

I'd hate my son to grow up thinking men do f all and only the women do housework, this is not the 1950s.

My son follows dh around the house hoovering or mowing the lawn, hopefully he'll be a great husband and daddy one day like his dad!

[FairMidden]

I think he is doing quite a lot. I am thinking about it from a different perspective - until recently, DP was a SAHD. I work FT.

I put DS to bed on the days I am at work, and bath him too if I am home in time. DP does most of the cooking but I do all of the washing up at night. I do most of the laundry (we don't iron!), all of the household management stuff eg bills and insurance. I also do the cleaning jobs like the bathroom, washing the kitchen down etc. He hoovers and does the kitchen floor.

It sounds to me like your situation but I am in your DP's shoes and it does sometimes feel like I am doing a lot, especially when I come home after a long day and have to sort out washing and stuff. It means a lot of stuff just doesn't get done and we live in a mess until I have time to deal with it on my day off. So your DP is bettering me on that front - I would be offering him the odd lie in!

[FairMidden]

I should add that DP is now working PT so there's going to be some redistribution over the next few weeks I imagine!

[Acinonyx]

Sounds like you've been doing too much FairMidden! That's a lot more than the op's dh.