Feeling v. conflicted about my parents and a potential move 'home' - warning, long unfocussed rambling ahoy!

[fruitbeard]

Can't be arsed to namechange, this is how stirred up I am over the thing!

DH came home last night and said there's a high possibility that his work will be moving to Liverpool.

If it happens, it won't be for a good year or so, so I know I'm probably being a bit mental, but I can't stop feeling churned up about it, and it's all to do with my parents.

I left home 22 years ago and haven't been back for longer than a 4 day stay since. My parents are... well I'm not sure toxic covers it, see what you think...

My dad is, to be blunt, a nutter.

Incredibly insecure, jealous, critical, controlling to a degree that if I were to give you examples you'd probably think I was making it up, terrifyingly fiery temper, has occasionally been physically violent to us but not my mother. Mentally/emotionally abusive. No self-control, doesn't care if he makes a scene in public. One instance of mildly (? you tell me, how abusive is french kissing?) sexually abusive behaviour towards me when I was 3 amd my mother was pg with my sister, not since repeated.

On the plus side, generous to a fault, funny and very affectionate if in a good mood.

My mum... growing up, the family 'story' was that she was the good parent and dad was the nutjob. Which, on the face of it, was largely correct. However, space apart from her has made me realise that she largely enabled my father's behaviour by constantly making excuses for him. She has a very revisionist view of history and tells us we all had a lovely childhood (when to my recollection it was largely characterised by fear and uncertainty that has left me with a nervous stomach to this day).

She also cannot bear to be wrong or admit that she does not know something. Despite my dad's general hideousness, she does drive him bananas by constantly contradicting or pulling him up over every word that comes out of his mouth, even when it is so unimportant that she really could let it go.

And reading other MNers stories has made me feel very sad because I've come to realise that she never protected us as children. She never left him, she never stopped him from behaving the way he did, she takes it as a personal insult if we challenge/disagree with her view of the past.

She is not a physically loving person and very much lives on the principle of 'what would the neighbours think?', which I suspect is a part and parcel of her rewriting the history books.

We each seem to have been allotted roles in our family.

Mum = martyred saint
Dad = scary nutter who must be placated at all times or it's our fault for upsetting him
Me = the exaggerator/liar - because I told a teacher once about our home life and he tried to help but mum sent him off with a flea in his ear and I was marked down forevermore as the one who makes things up and can thus be safely disregarded. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but when I constantly meet this attitude I find it incredibly unfair and distressing.
Sister and brother - wouldn't like to say, other than my brother can do no wrong and my sister is perceived as the 'bad' 'uncaring' one (but not for any real reason that I can see).

My dad is 78 and now has alzheimers. My mum is again treating this like a personal affront to her and I have to say he is going downhill very fast. He's not eating or washing and (I'm not 100% sure about this, this is from what she's told me) she can't get anyone in to help, he either has to go into a residential home or she has to muddle on (with carers allowance, whoopy doo).

Quite frankly I think my mother's depressed and has been if not before then certainly ever since my youngest brother was murdered 16 years ago. Dad dealt with it by pretending he'd never existed, mum is one of these 'stiff upper lip, nothing to worry about, therapy's for the weak' kind of people so she just got on with it.

Certainly I'm concerned about how she's reacting to dad's illness (although I have to say given our history I can't find myself getting too worked up about it, which in itself is horrible and I feel v. guilty about).

And the thought of moving back near them and being reassigned/forced back into (in their eyes at least) this role is I suppose what's freaking me out a bit.

Underlying this is the feeling that I don't want DD exposed to them, although on the face of it they are fine with her (although as Dad gets sicker, he can't cope with a boisterous 4 yr old and I can foresee having to limit contact with him).

So......... I'm all churned up inside and needing to vent. I can't move back there and not see them, but having just come back from a few days up there at half term it was horrendously stressful and I came back feeling more depressed than ever (I'm on citalopram - I think I need therapy, though!)

If you've made it to the end of that, thanks for persevering. Not expecting any answers (although I wish there was one!).

[YanknCock]

Wow.

If it really came down to moving, could your DH find another job?

Or if you did have to be up there for his work could you live somewhere that would be commutable for your DH but still not close enough to be visiting all the time?

A lot could change in a year too. The move isn't for certain.

Not sure what else to say, other than I can completely understand why you'd want to keep your distance.

[Shitemum]

Could you live as far away as possible but still within commuting distance?

[Shitemum]

x posts - was going to say 'a lot can change in a year' too but it sounded bad...

[lilacclaire]

Take a deep breath and relax.

Firstly its not 100% that your dh's work is moving down there.

Secondly its not for another year.

The thing is with your dads condition is that a lot can happen in a year and from the sounds of it, he is in the moderate/early severe stages of dementia.

Your mum does need help and it sounds like very fast, I don't know if anyone is helping her, but the first port of call should be the GP who should make the necessary arrangements, maybe your mum is doing her stiff upper lip and not telling the GP how bad things are.

Anyway, back to the problem in hand.
Even if you do need to move down there, by then it probably would not be feasible for your dd to see your dad anyway as the condition progresses, there is a good chance he won't recognize you by that time anyway (sorry if this sounds horrible).

Would you need to move into Liverpool itself or could you go to somewhere a bit further out thats harder for your mum to visit?

I presume your mums quite elderly as well? A lot of changes can happen in a year, try not to worry too much about it just now.

[cherryblossoms]

I can see why you're worried.

At least you have time to plan. If I were you, I'd get a map, work out all the places you can live that dh could commute from, all the places within that area that you would be happy living in and then choose the area that is as far from you parents as possible.

Maybe that makes me sound like a horrible person, perhaps I should be advising you to re-assess your relationship with them and so on but ... . The thing about physical distance is that it translates into a psychological distance. A distance you can withdraw into while you assess things. Sometimes one can feel drawn into situations emotionally beyond or control, carried along at a speed, into areas we're not comfortable with. The thing about physical distance is that it puts a necessary brake on all of that, allowing us a pause, in which we can reflect how we feel/what we think about a situation and how we want to progress with, or even withdraw from that situation.

It sounds to me like you will need that capacity to withdraw and assess in your dealings with your parents.

It may also never happen. Two years is a long time; who knows what will happen?

Good luck.

[DuffyFluckling]

It's a good thing that you are thinking about it so much. You won't just drift back into those roles. You get to control your relationship with them now, and you have plenty of time to decide on some sensible strategies and rules.

[Miggsie]

Fruitbeard, I am not surprised you are churned up and really thrown by this news.

I know what you mean by not wanting them near your DD, I had a toxic grandmother and it wasn't much fun...she ruled the family.
Don't feel you "have" to visit a lot even if you move closer.

In a year's time I expect your dad won't really recognise you and I suspect your mum may go a bit downhill as well, as your parents sound mutually dependent and it is not unusual for people like that to follow each other in illness.
I am not trying to be nasty but it happened with my grandparents.

As you have fair warning of this possible move it may be a good idea for you to talk through your feelings about your parents with a counsellor/therapist. This would help you to get an attitude other than dread when thinking about them. (You may have already done this but talking again just about this specific issue may help).

Have a look round Liverpool, it is a big city, if this does happen and try to live the other side of the city and away from your mum so you can still maintain that physical distance which you need.

Also, yes, it may not happen at all. your DH may find another job in that time.

PS: do you post on the stately homes thread? You may find some of the discussions there helpful.

[blinks]

fruitbeard- your childhood is so similar to mine it's actually freaking me out... in my family i too was trouble. i rocked the boat and threatened our finely crafted facade of respectibility. i know 'toxic' is a tad overdone on MN but it does describe parents like this well. they're poisonous and will have a detrimental effect on you and your family if you live near them. i eventually confronted my family about my dad's sexual inappropriate behaviour and as expected there was denial across the board and a complete lack of support.

stay the fuck away from them and don't feel at all in any way one tiny little teeny weeny bitty remotely guilty.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

fruitbeard

Am not surprised you're scared at this prospect. Your parents are both toxic in differnet ways and have played out defined roles (as you have rightly stated) within their own disturbed and dysfunctional relationship. These roles have also occured in their offspring to their detriment.

Would say that moving back into an area which would bring you closer to them does NOT at all mean that you would have to slot yoruself back into their lives. No, no, no.
You CAN move back to this area and not see them. You have some power here. You are an adult and can make choices; you had no choice or say as a child.

Besides which guilt is a useless emotion and not one that you at all need to feel.

I would certainly not give them any details of any new address. I would leave them to it. You are not responsible for them, only your own self and your own family unit.

I would also recommend posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes part 5" thread on these pages. Their views could also help you. A counsellor as well could be helpful to discuss this with - BACP have a list of counsellors and won;t charge the earth.

If you haven;t already done so I would also read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point.

[fruitbeard]

Thank you for all your replies.

I browsed the Stately Homes threads a year or so ago and did wonder at the time how 'toxic' or not my parents were... part of me feels like I'm getting het up over nothing, which in turn is, I suppose, a legacy from growing up being constantly told that I always exaggerate things... gah!

What was a great help to me (although it was upsetting at the time) was that my sister was recalling some incident from our childhood to mum and was sharply told that it didn't happen. She said it was like a blindfold dropping from her eyes, the realisation that this must be what I've had thrown at me, that my mum isn't always the truthful one, and now she does believe me... still hurtful that she obviously didn't in the past, but hey....

I'm not sure about witholding new addresses - seems horribly extreme! Perhaps I need to read that book...

Good suggestions re distance - mum doesn't drive and dad can't anymore, so providing we live somewhere up Formby way there's no way they'll turn up on the doorstep... unfortunately most of my friends up there still live near them, but it's all a long way off and I need to stop panicking about it.

I think my mum does need help, but she isn't getting it from the GP (well, she says that all he tells her when she explains how bad it's getting is that Dad will have to go into a residential home, which she says she won't do to him, or to my brother, who has been left the family home - which she reckons she'd have to sell/remortgage/give an interest to the NHS to pay for his care).

I suppose I just feel sad that I don't have a better relationship with them (but if you asked my mother she'd say we have a great relationship and are so alike....wah!). I look at how DH and I are with DD and it's so different, so much more relaxed and fun (there was very little fun in our house growing up) and it makes me sad.

But thank you all for your input. I will look into BACP, thanks for the tip, Attila (I'm Catholic, I run on guilt!).

Blinks, I'm sorry someone else had to have that sort of a childhood too - grotty, isn't it?

[blinks]

it sho is fruitbeard.

my mum's response to her 'outing' was to just deny that she was ever told about my dad's behaviour (told her as a teen). bold faced lies are so hard to deal with as they make you feel like a loony.

you could probably do with some counselling to talk about it. it sounds like you minimize it a bit to yourself... the french kissing incident alone is very serious. have you spoken about it much?

[onebatmother]

I am so sorry to hear your story, fruitbeard. You sound absolutely wonderful.

I just want to point out that it is more than mildy abusive to french kiss a 3 year old.

You mention the fact that your mother was pregnant as if this were a contributory factor. It really isn't/wasn't. French-kissing a three year old is very,very wrong. French-kissing one's own three year old is - well, is it possible to be more wrong than very, very wrong?

There are clear reasons why your mother will deny your father's abuse of you. It would involve an admission that she was complicit in it then, which she will - not unexpectedly - resist.

If you would find it hard financially, BACP will put you in touch with therapists in your are who will give means-tested fees. I really think this would be hugely helpful to you. It sounds as though you are astonishingly honest with yourself, which will give you a huge 'leg-up' when beginning therapy.

Really good luck.