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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So whats 'your take' on this?

339 replies

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 14:50

Sorry, have named changed, BTW I hope you like it. DH is financially secure and successful and I am very proud of him however, we seem to have quite different values and it causes many an argument. This is how it is. I am a SAHM (we both want that) and I would like to finish furnishing our house. It has been 4 years now and we still have curtains in a few rooms and need some furniture, glassware, cutlery and crockery. Of course we can make do and if we were on hard times then it wouldn't be an issue. BUT dh can afford these things and prefers to invest his wealth/earnings into his company. I agree, thats a wise move but can't we have the house finished first please? It always leads to us 'having words' and him saying stuff like I bring home as much money as possible and, you just had a holiday, etc etc. The company has grown magnificently with all the cah injection - because it is important. My home is important too, I spend 24/7 in it. How can I make him see things my way? I never ask for much, I don't nag, I would just like to have the home complete. Any ideas Mnrs?

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JeMeSouviens · 30/04/2009 14:57

I just go out and buy what we need I want.

JeMeSouviens · 30/04/2009 14:58

I'll try that again.

I just go out and buy what we need I want.

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:00

DH would go absolutely ballistic if I did that. Thats a bone of contention also as it means he is in the driving seat and I have to obey. How shitty is that.

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AccioPinotGrigio · 30/04/2009 15:01

Is he just being wise with his money during this recession. You say his business is doing well but is it? Maybe he thinks the money would be better spent keeping people in jobs? I dunno?

Also, why not think about re-allocating the money you have already - instead of spending on holiday why not spend on house?

JeMeSouviens · 30/04/2009 15:03

mmm that is truly shit.

I think if you know what is coming in, what your bills are, and what saving goals you have, you should be able to determine how much you can spend monthly on things you need for your home.

Do you get "housekeeping" money? Can you ask for an amount each month that can be spent at your discretion? That way he oversees, but you get to manage a pot for whatever you need?

nickschick · 30/04/2009 15:04

I think you should say the xxxxx room needs new curtains I will need x amount for them when do you think we can buy them?

I would in a non confrontational way ask that the home you share is furnished in a way that your lifestyle reflects and is comfortable and homely after all you are in it and he comes home to it.

What is his parents home like? perhaps they are a very basic family?....you need to show him pictures of what you like and the look you want and hopefully he will see this is the big issue you are making it.

A very good friend of ours who is very wealthy lives very basically she buys what she needs for practicality not for luxury or beauty - its just how she is.

OrmIrian · 30/04/2009 15:08

Regardless of the business, he should be giving you enough to manage things OK. But if things are tough there has to be less slack than when things are going well. So 'enough' will have to be less at some times than others. It may be that his company is doing well but in the current climate no-one can be complacent.

It sounds as if the business is more important to him than the trappings that could come from it iyswim.

Sheeta · 30/04/2009 15:17

I find this very difficult as well. There's a housekeeping account for all the shopping stuff and everything that we need, but then if we go to Ikea, or we go and buy stuff for the house we tend to do it together and DP pays (as my earnings are pitiful at best )

We're still settling into it, and it does cause arguments, hard, isn't it!

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:21

Yes his business is far more important to him than a luxurious home. A chair is a chair (ugly,beautiful, cheap expensive) IYSWIM. Also we have no mortgage and he is only mid 40s, he has done brilliantly well. Drives the best car etc. His family live quite basically and he himself is not 'showy' but we have the BIG beautiful house and not much in it. To me that is rediculous. I would rather downsize and have it perfect but he wont hear of it. He makes me feel ungrateful for what we have and I am so not but in the great scheme of things he can afford to provide so much more, surely we are more impoortant than his 'empire'.

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Sheeta · 30/04/2009 15:29

What kind of money do you want to spend? Are we talking Ikea prices here or something much more expensive?

nickschick · 30/04/2009 15:34

Piggintrotters can you not 'persuade' him that his home is a measure of his success?

The home is an investment and needs nurturing?

Does he not invite clients or other professionals to your home?

Would suggesting he invite potential clients or professionals to your home give him the push to improve your living standards?

Is he budget aware with food shopping?

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:35

Yes, pricier than IKEA, John Lewis which I think is very reasonable. He could afford Selfridges but I wouldn't ask for it. Would love to though.

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Rindercella · 30/04/2009 15:43

Hmm, I feel for you. The difficulty I am having is understanding why your DH regards the family income as 'his'? Any income coming into the household should be both of yours, not his alone. There is an immediate inbalance to your relationship as it stands as - at least in your DH's eyes - it is all his money to dole out as he feels necessary (or for you to beg/borrow/steal). That would bother me greatly.

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:48

nickschick - he is the sort of person (or so he says), that doesn't care what other people think. No we don't invite people over, I only have 3 wines glasses and a few plates! That wouldn't bother dh though. I guess he thinks people measure his success by the state of his business. I have a monthly allowance to cover me, the dc and food shopping. I am not about to cut corners to buy other things for the house. His biggest hangup is that if he takes more money out of the company he will have to pay 50% tax. I guess the bottom line is what is worse a) 50% tax or b) an unhappy wife. His choice is becoming blindingly obvious to me.

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Sheeta · 30/04/2009 15:50

John Lewis stuff isn't ridiculous..

Is there any way you can talk about all of this calmly (and start the conversation off with 'can we talk about this calmly')?

Have just had some similar conversations with DP over the last few weeks, and apparently I was always coming across as ungrateful (he works extremely hard, and I only work 2 days a week, so feeling very unbalanced in our house!)

Maybe start with a couple of things you intend to buy as well, rather than saying that you want money to furnish the entire house.

Does he know how much this upsets you?

Sheeta · 30/04/2009 15:51

Sorry, that came out wrong - I meant to say that John Lewis stuff is generally excellent quality and well priced.

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:52

Rindaceller, dh once told me - he earns the money, he makes the decisions . I know this is wrong but he feels it is wrong that he works his backside off the achieve great success and wifey wants to spend it all. I think I am on a loser here. He seems to resent me wanting more (i.e. as in having the pperfect furnished house that he CAN afford) and I resent him for keeping the money in the company and not doing the house. Where is it all going to end. I know that is such tragedy going on in the world and my particular gripe is of no consequence to the bigger things in life but YES , the relationship is unfair.

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piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 15:58

Sheeta, of course he knows I am upset by this but I think his business is more important to him than my emotional state. I wouldn't mind, he had nothing when I married him and we both worked hard until the dc were born. I seem unable to have any sort of conversation with him regarding money without it turning into an argument and him telling me how ungrateful I am and how he pays some of his men less than he gives me etc, etc. He has on occasion called me a piss taker and a waster (in regard to money) . Guess your all wondering how I could stay with someone like that. He does have many qualities just not the one of making sure your wife is happy.

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OrmIrian · 30/04/2009 16:01

Ah. OK. I was sort of seeing where he was coming from in that I am not a greatly interested in making my house 'perfect'. Liveable would do And I think that taking care of your workforce is very important. But having read more this sounds nastier than a clash of priorities.

nickschick · 30/04/2009 16:03

Well can you 'shame' him by getting things off freecycle?
maybe you could get a few bits from a catalogue?
secondhand shops and charity shops have some lovely stuff in too.

Either you make the most of what he is willing to give you and enjoy your relationship at that or you continue to argue and still get nowhere or you get a part time job to buy stuff???

Bloody weird way of thinking though tbh.

Rindercella · 30/04/2009 16:03

Ok, if he takes more money out of the company he has to pay 50% tax? Surely that would be only on income over £150k? I don't know your circumstances, so it's hard to comment, but I would think that with no mortgage, £150k per annum would go a long, long way towards furnishing your home in a more fitting manner. And still have a couple of nice holidays. And do your weekly shopping at Ocado.

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:04

Two years ago I bought some cushions for the new sofas and he wouldn't pay for them £150 as he said he hadn't asked me to buy them and I would have to pay for them myself out of my allowance . This week, I bought cushions for the tv room and last night said I told him and added that I hopedhe would be paying for them. When he asked why am I saying that I reminded him of the previous cushions I had bought and that he wouldn't pay me for them. It all got quite narky again and said 'if your not happy, then don't live here

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Rindercella · 30/04/2009 16:05

Piggy, this is bad. And much more fundamental than who buys some cushions.

nickschick · 30/04/2009 16:06

£150-????? for cushions bjesus thats a lot!!!!

Maybe you should rethink your spending??? that could buy a coiuple of pairs of good curtains imo.

piggintrotters · 30/04/2009 16:07

Rindercella, I really don't want to sound like I am showing off but he has earned more than £3m in the past 3 years!!! And that is precisely why I am so pissed off that I still cannot have the house finished. There is a saying - All fur coat and no knickers -

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