She just called him on his phone (he left it at home) think my marriage is over - please talk to me

[naivemum]

I am shaking, in shock feel sick

I posted on her a year or so a go, my H had been having an 'emotional affair' with someone at work - he vows they never slept together.
He says they kissed when v drunk at xmas party. ususal story. I found lots of texts and emails between them. Not particularly intimate, but made me feel uncomfortable.
He all the while claimed they were just friends. It went on like this for 6 months.
It was only when I found an email from him declaring how much she meant to him, that I finally had proof of his real feelings for her.
I threatened to throw him out, but we had 2 children, i wanted to make it work and thought he was basically a good person that had let himself get carried away in the excitememt of someone showing an interest in him.
The following day I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Not the best timing
The pregnancy went fine and DD is now 5 months old. I saw no reason to think he wasn't being homest with me, that he had nothing more to do with her, he has been trying to find another job as well.

Then today he left his phone at home. I saw a missed call, i knew the number instantly.
I have been trying to call him since, but he is not at his desk, I was so wound up, i ended up calling her back on his phone and asked why she had called this number, she hung up.
I was so angry she hung up, I left her a really nasty voicemail. prob not my best move, but I did it in anger.
I am still waiting for H to call me back.
Don't know how to deal with this now.
Do I call it a day??? I can't trust him H e has taken me for a fool AGAIN.
I am totally numb right now
someone please talk to me

[LittleOtik]

You poor thing. Have no helpful advice, just don't want you to go unanswered. Really sorry for you.

[CatchaStar]

I am so sorry, I don't have any advice really.

You're right to be upset and angry though, I would be too.

Can you wait until he gets home and talk to him about it then? I wouldn't talk to him at work, it's not the right 'enviroment' to discuss the issue, does that make sense? He can't realy explain himself whilst he's at work.

[HolyGuacamole]

Ow wow. Sorry this has happened.

It is very understandable that you are extremely angry but do try (if you can) to calm down a tiny bit, even if it is only for the sake of your own sanity.

Maybe wait till he comes home before you tell him what you know? Don't give him time to make up a story?

[naivemum]

I agree, he won't be able to talk about it at work, but that's his problem.
If he wants to talk, he needs to get his ass back here sharpish

[Lizzylou]

Poor you.
YOu need to wait until he comes home, this woman will obviously warn him that you know she rang.
Would she have any reason to call him at all? Work?
Sorry, you must be feeling so upset.

[profiterole]

I know it is really really hard but try not to jump to the worst conclusion.

try and kep a lid on it until he comes home and choose a good time to talk to him - ie not just as he comes through the door.

the cammer you are the better chance there is for him to tell you the truth if you scream and shout he might panic and lie.

it could be that she is trying to initiate contact.

[CatchaStar]

Does she actually work with him? Will she be able to warn him that you know she's called?

[whooosh]

I remember your original post.

I think calling it a day would be a little hasty.
Has he told you they are not in touch or have you asked him (after last time) to not contact her? If they work together this is always going to be tricky.

It MAY be a genuine friendship and nothing more but equally,a woman's instinct is a great thing.

I suspect he will not call for a while (if at all) as he will be scared of your reaction but will also need time to plan his story.

I really do know how hard this is,I have been in a similar situation and the nausea is unbearable.Have you got a RL friend you could spend the afternoon with,just to try and stop you waiting for the phone to ring?

Wish I had more advice but all I will say is please think VERY carefully about what you want.Rash decisions are seldom good ones.

Let us know how it goes.

[Overmydeadbody]

You poor thing.

Don't jump to conclusions just yet though, there could be lots of explanantions for why she was calling. I'm not surprised she hung up, she got a shock and didn't want an earful of abuse.

When you do talk to your H, try to stay calm and rational.

[Overmydeadbody]

They could just be friends?

[naivemum]

She has just texted his phone to say she is really sorry, but it was a work thing that needed dealing with and there was no one else around to deal with it. She says she doesn't have anything to do with him.
She will warn him. They don't work together, but they are in the same office.

[Tortington]

i would be making appointments with solicitors and CAB and finding out as much information i can as possible to help me with any decision i have to make. The truth is we can't make decisions on our hearts alone.

finances, housing, existing bills all play a part in our ddecision making processes. My first thing to do would be to find out exactly where i stand financially.

If you joinly pay a mortgage on the house - can you ask him to leave? i believe that you can, but you may need to follow particular guidelines under the advisement of a solicitor.

what debts are yours and what are his?

etc
etc

at this point when you found out your financial and housing situation - you can assess whether yo really want this dirty low down cheating scumcunt as your husband - or whether you have any dignity left to find someone who really loves you.

[Tortington]

it was a work thing that made her hang up in shock.

if i was innocent in this situation - i would say calmly " i need to talk to David regarding the widget compressor, sorry for the inconvenience" not hang up

[slightlyonedgemum]

Do you know for sure that it wasn't just her calling about something work related? I know it's a long shot but you want to be sure before you write off your marriage.

Saying that, if you find out it wasn't work related and was something more sinister, be gracious and public. Something like arriving at his work (and hers of course...) and dropping off his phone/stuff and asking the receptionist to let him know that since he'd been having an affair with ..... that you wouldn't be wanting him back home. Embarrassed husband and bit on the side, gracious kind wife.

But then I have a nasty sense of humour....

[GypsyMoth]

will you ever,ever really relax again and fuly trust this man?? i suspect not......you're proving that today!! move on.....you'll never be able to trust him. no way to live is it!??

[CatchaStar]

Right, well. I think -as hard as it might be- that you should maybe take your baby girl out for a walk in her pram, the fresh air may clear your head a little and calm your nerves. Wait until he has come home and speak to him about it.

Try and keep occupied until he is home or you will drive yourself nuts.

As others have siad, don't be too hasty. It may be something fairly innocent. After you have spoken to him and hashed it all out, you can then make further decisions.

[AnnasBananas]

This is awful for you. I'd be sick in shock, too.

If you can get hold of him I'd demand he comes home immediately and be prepared to be 100% honest if he wants to save his marriage.

If he doesn't come back I think you have your answer.

[Hassled]

Whether this call was innocent (and it might have been) is irrelevant if the OP's trust in her DH is so shot to hell due to his past behaviour that she assumes the worse. He has to work bloody hard to regain your trust if you marriage has any chance at all.

[GypsyMoth]

the thing is though......its not a question of wether its innocent or not......its the op's reaction,she is INSTANTLY suspicious and in a panic!! it could be innocent (sounds so) but she can't live like this forever!!! her trust has gone...

[debs05]

Trust your instincts! If you fear the worse then it probably is, Ive been there and that sick, pit feeling is the most horrendous feeling. Why would she hang up if its innocent? They will have all day to concoct a story and your left at home feeling sick with 3 kids. God I hate men sometimes.

[Overmydeadbody]

oh god no, never go in for the whole public humiliation thing

[GypsyMoth]

snap hassled.....thinking along those lines too

[naivemum]

He has just called. back from lunch.
He says he has no idea why she was calling, he has nothing to do with her. He is going to see what it was about and ring me back. Like that makes any difference. He can tell me what he likes - i don't know if it's the truth.
He did however say that he 'swore on our childrens lives' that nothing was going on.
That's pretty strong.

I feel a bit bad about the voicemail I left, it was along the lines of why are you calling, stay away from my family, do you know what you've put me through, i have 3 small children......f bitch.....oh god...part of me thinks well she deserved it, she should never have been chasing after a married man in the 1st place. Not v dignified. I am better than that.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I agree with Custardo. If it was a work thing, she would not have hung up on you - unless of course you're first call to her began "I'm going to fing kill you,you bitch..." If your call was abusive, that would be, imo, legitimate reason to put the phone down. Other than that - well, I'd bet my last rolo they will be having a chat and getting their story straight right now.

Work on your marriage or call it a day - the choice is yours, but let it be an informed decision and not one based on lies.

[DomPerignon]

I remember your earlier thread.

Whether her call was work related or not, one thing is sure, you cant live like this. You need to get this out in the open, you need to work through this with your dh, possibly get some councelling. He needs to face up to what he has done, and you both need to move on, if your marriage is to be saved.