Want to win husband back - how do I do it?

[newlydumped]

Dh announced just over a month ago that he didn't love me anymore and was leaving me and the DCs to go live with his parents.

Almost 2 months on I have gone through the hating him stage and the begging him to come home stage and now I am actually content with my life in a new home and a new routine but I miss my DH terribly and so do the DCs.

So my question to you all is how do I win him back and have any of you managed it successfully? I can manage alone but I miss him so much and never wanted to be a sinlge mum - I always had visions of a happy ever after family. This is my second marriage - the first one failing due to domestic violence and several affairs (by him not me!) so is it possible that actually its just me?

Am I meant to be alone? I hope not! Any honest opinion gratefully received......

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Concentrate on enjoying managing on your own and being a friend to your husband. It will work out if it is meant to be and you both want it enough to put the work in.

Good luck.

[TheScatterGunApproach]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

To be completely honest with you, I think you have to accept his decision - which won't happen overnight. I really don't think that you can 'win someone back'.

I am so so sorry that you are feeling so bad and your kids as well.

I think you need to give it a lot more time than 2 months.

Focus on what an arse he is to walk out on his kids!!

You must focus on your kids and be strong for them, keep on posting here as loads of ladies are sadly in the same situation.

Stay strong, it gets easier!

[newlydumped]

thank you - i guess friends is a good place to start...

I am just worried sick he'll find someone else out in the pub or something - the very thought of him with someone else make me feel sick to my stomach!

[newlydumped]

scatter gun - that worked for a month!!! I just love him dearly so makes it hard to hate him for this - especially when he explains that it appears to be me who drove him away ..... god I could kick myself!

[TheScatterGunApproach]

I think you need to focus on yourself and your kids.

Meet someone in the pub! Bugger him if he wants to act like a teenager.

I know it hurts like hell, but you MUST try to focus on other things.

Is there something you can think of to do just for you? Join a gym? Learn Spanish? I know it sounds like a cliche but it will just give you something else to focus on.

[poopscoop]

i think you should take this opportunity to really think over your marriage too. Were there any niggling problems, arguments, underlying issues that you had?

I only ask this because it was not your decision to split, it was his, and sometimes when these things happen, it is the horror of him making that decision that makes you want him back. I am probably not explaining myself very well, but what i mean to say is that, as you are coping well on your own, please use this time to re-evaluate your marriage from your own point of view, not because you want him back because he chose to leave. You may surprise yourself and find it is not really what you want.

[TheScatterGunApproach]

Explains it appears to be you who drove him away! What a load of arse.

HE chose to walk out on his wife and kids.

Don't kick yourself.

Give it more time. It's all about the time, unfortunately.

[newlydumped]

gah - I am SOOOOO impatiant!!! How do other people seem to stay together - I am flumoxed!

SO I can do nothing excpet sit and wait?....god I hope theres plenty going on on mumsnet for the next few months!!! if not years!

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Don't sit around waiting for him to come back.

[howtotellmum]

Poor you
How long were you married? It probably isn't your fault, but did you ever see any signs of this coming? Do you have a pattern of being non-confrontational, or burying your head in the sand? I think maybe you should think back and see if anything was going wrong which you ignored.

Not saying you were in the wrong. Has he given you ANY reasons apart from not loving you?

Maybe you just need to keep the communication channels open with him, but make a life for yourself too meanwhile.

[Vaguely]

being needy is not attractive. anyone who wants you because youre needy is not going to be good for you, will take advantage etc.

you really need to get a grip. focus on YOUR life. and your children! all the good stuff in life; the relationships, the good times, the stuff that lives with you forever; none of that can be forced. it all happens when you are living your life, being you, and being open to what life has to offer.
look forwards, not backwards.

and if he meets someone else in the pub and is that easily swayed away from you, he wasnt worth your devotion in the first place. not to mention the fact that he left you with the kids. coffee time sweetie.

[newlydumped]

vaguely - harsh but fair.....i needed to hear that I think. Thanks

howto - we've been together 7 years but only married for less than 1 yr. maybe had we not had children together it wouldn't have lasted as long as it has? Funny you should ask - but not being myself enough and worrying too much about what others think was a reason given.....! Also I haven't been myself since falling pregnant with DS2 - I suffered hyperemisis and then was really down on everything for the first 9-10 months after his birth. He's about to turn one - and its just so sad that his mum and dad aren't together. Ironically the elder one doesn't seem that bothered DH isn't around much.......DH says he is just so tired and drained and can't spend any time with us all at the mo as we are too draining..........:-(

[TheCrackFox]

I know you still love him but to summarize he bailed on you when you needed him most and he blames you for it. He doesn't sound much of a catch TBH.

Concentrate on you and your DCs. Maybe he will come back, maybe he won't. Either way you can still have a happy life.

[Amandoh]

Has he said why he doesn't love you anymore? Do you get on with his parents? Could you ask them if he's said more to them than he has to you? The not knowing must be driving you nuts.

I know you say you love him and want him back but he walked out you and your children. Surely he didn't wake up one morning and realise he didn't love you anymore and had to leave. Aren't you angry that he didn't talk to you and at least give you the chance to save your marriage?

I think it's great that you're content with your life without him. Keep focusing on that. Build up a new circle of friends and don't be so available to him. Show him that you're having a fabulous time without him. You never know, it might be him that discovers "you don't know what you've got till it's gone".

[nkf]

I think there will come a time when you look back and thank God that he walked out. Draining huh? What a berk. Get on with the new life you are making for yourself and enjoy yourself.

[Amandoh]

"Too draining"

That is seriously feeble.

[Eve34]

OMG I was just about to write this post. DP decided he couldn't live with us at this time. I have been depressed for 2 years. I have had a BIG kick up the bum. I have said I will do what ever I have to to bring the family together. DP has decided he needs some space to get his head together.

I have cired all weekend, can bearly sleep, I have had my AD's increased and can now function.

Right now I think stuff him, selfish pig how can he walk out on his son, why can he not be a man and work with me on this.

I have a gut feeling that he has found someone else. Men are simple creatures and like to have their needs met. I am sure DP would not give up on a comfortable life he has here for nothing......

[RockinSockBunnies]

I'm probably not the best person to give advice since I'm fairly clueless about relationships and am a single mother myself, BUT, from what I've gleaned from other people, there are 'strategies' that one can employ to try and win your ex back.

Specifically -

Makeover
New wardrobe
Active social life
Throwing yourself into the dating scene and making sure the fact you're seeing other people gets back to your ex
Not coming across to your ex as needy in any way, but strong, confident and happy
Not begging ex to come back, not initiating contact, making sure he does any running around

Frankly, whether or not you'd want to do such things is another matter. Furthermore, you might do these things, realise you're a far stronger person and not want the ex back any more. But, if you're hell-bent on trying to win him back, then those options might be worth a try....

[howtotellmum]

I reckon his nose is out of joint now that you have DCs- he wants more attention than you were giving him. Could he at least agree to counselling/relate together to at least give it one last shot, considering you have DCs?

I also wonder what his parents think- they should really give him a kick up the bum and send him packing back to you, his family- he has responsibilites and they should maybe try to persuade him to be more adult.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

You can't 'win someone back' if that person does not want to be in a couple-relationship with you. Far better to concentrate on making your life with your DC good and happy and enjoyable. Have no contact with your XP that is not relevant to the DC, and when you do have to speak to him, be polite but calm and distant: the couple-relationship is over, he is now your co-parent, not your partner, and it's good to be amicable but for the moment you don't need to be close friends with him.

[missingtheaction]

solidgold, I agree with you wholeheartedly. In my case I was the one who walked, much to my dh's shock. TBH by then there was probably nothing he could have done to 'win me back' - but if there had been I would have advised him to withdraw with dignity and give me some space so I could see him clearly at his best and think things through for myself.

[howtotellmum]

I don't agree- you CAN "win people back" IF they have acted impulsively and are not sure they do want to be apart. You cannot win them back if they have thought long and hard over their decision and are 100% sure they want to split- but how many people are like that? I think a lot of people who split are still unsure if it is the right thing to do ( read some MN threads).

I think what's missing from all of this is whether you and your DH ever had a proper discussion about why he wanted to leave you and the DCS.

Have you ever had counselling? Would he agree to that? Even if your marriage is over, it might help you both to learn what went wrong and to avoid taking all that baggage into another relaitonship at some point.

As your split is so recent, I can see why you want to try to get him back. Only you know how certain he seems to be.

IME some men cannot cope with family life and run away - literally. I don't think though that this is necessarily permanent.

Can you contact him and ask him to try Relate for at least a few sessions, out of respect for you and your DCs, if nothing else?

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

I don't actually think it's even ethical to try to coax - or force - someone back into a relationship they do not want to be in. And trying to hold on to or 'win back' a reluctant partner is lethal for your dignity and self-respect.
Funnily enough, the only method with any chance of persuading someone who has acted impulsivley to think again, is to accept that the person has left the relationship (whowever painful you find this) and start enjoying yourself as a single person, focus on building a good life for yourself and the DC and maintain a polite distance from the XP/co-parent. Because the desperate, sobbing, promising-to-change approache is off-putting to all but predatory psychos: if a partner returnes because you have displayed such anguish and utterly abased yourself, the partner is manipulative and nasty and will pull the same stunt again.

[howtotellmum]

I don't actually think it's even ethical to try to coax - or force - someone back into a relationship they do not want to be in. And trying to hold on to or 'win back' a reluctant partner is lethal for your dignity and self-respect.

What on earth do ethics have to do with a marriage where children are involved? And where one partner does not want that marriage to be over?

Surely, sobbing and begging, and promising to change etc. are not the ways ( and shouldn't be) to try to turn the relationship around? It seems a bit extreme to suggest that this is the way to try to make things work again.

It might be "undignified" to show you care, but when you are married and have children whose welfare is paramount, then I think any concept of personal dignity goes out of the window- we are not talking of a casual relationship here- we are talking of 11 yrs together where children are involved.

I wouldn't expect you to say anything other than what you have SG as you have never commited to anyone and prefer your personal freedom.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

you can't force someone to be with you if that's not what they want. If they aren't sure what they want then you can only wait for them to make up their mind and then decide whether you want them back at that point.

Truly, short of putting a gun to their head and then chaining them to a radiator, you simply cannot make somebody stay with you.

I'm really sorry that it's worked out like this for you and I hope you find a way to accept it and carry on with your life.