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Relationships

Partner has issues with how attractive he finds me (i.e. not enough). Is there any way the relationship can work?

119 replies

honeydews · 29/04/2009 11:38

We have been separated for a while now, but have been trying to work through some of our problems, to see if we can keep our family together. (We'd been together since our late teens, and are now in our early thirties with a young son.) This post concerns a particular stumbling block.

When we got together, I was quite a laugh and interesting to be with, but I didn't look great. I covered myself from head to toe in baggy, figure-hiding clothes - I was a bit of an ugly duckling as a teen.

However, I've come out of myself, appearance-wise, over the years - have worked out which colours and clothes shapes suits me, and what a tiny bit of make-up can do - and have been surprised to turn a few heads. I have 'unusual' features, I realise that - some people would think me a bit weird-looking, others striking. I'm not a grooming, girly girl nor especially frumpy, but I now believe (hope) I'm at least averagely attractive.

The problem is, it's not enough for DS's dad. He remembers me in our teens and can't seem to perceive me any differently. He has said that, of all our female friends, he'd rather be with me looks-wise, but that he isn't attracted enough, enough of the time. He likes fancy underwear, dressing up, uncomfortably tight jeans, more make-up, overly trimmed bits - all of which I do every now and then, but really, I'm a bit more 'everyday' than that; about halfway between his very glamorous mum and my couldn't-give-hoot-what-she-looks-like mum. I'm not a frump, but I don't glam up more than feels comfortable, and I don't want to be a sex object/accessory either.

I tend to swing between feeling hurt and as though I must be a bit of a minger, and thinking he has unrealistically high standards and that it's his problem.

Argh - I'm rambling. This has come up several times before, and I think I have become a bit obsessed about it as a result - sorry. Anyway, do you think this is something that can be worked through? I think it's important that, whoever I'm with, providing I'm making a reasonable, realistic effort, is happy with how I look most of the time - and I'm wondering if this is simply something a partner can't train themselves to feel.

OP posts:
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2rebecca · 29/04/2009 11:45

It sounds as though he just wants someone who looks different unfortunately. It seems cruel and pointless to tell someone you'd fancy them if they looked like someone else. Different if you've put on weight and he fancies you, but the thinner you, then you can do something about it. If you just don't fancy someone unless they wear make up and dress up then it sounds as though the spark has gone and you're maybe as well having relationships with people you both fancy and who fancy you and just keeping a civil relationship for the children.
I want to be loved for how I look naturally, if someone only fancied me when I was done up then I'd feel they didn't really fancy me.

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cestlavielife · 29/04/2009 11:45

no - he is trying to control you thru what you wear. making you feel bad about yourself, giving you low self esteem.

he sounds like an image-obsessed person --who should get together with someone equally vain....

steer clear.... yes it is HIS problem.

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piratecat · 29/04/2009 11:48

i am gobsmacked!!

He suddenly is only able to remember you in your teens, and how horrid you looked ot him then.

jeez, what an absolute charmer.

You sound wonderful, you wrote you post beautifully, and tbh, i think you would be better off concentrating on you and finding someone else.

I am a single mum now, divorced, and tbh, I think that this man doesn't deserve you.

bet you find someone before he does!!!

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 11:50

Why don't you try dressing to please your DH a bit more? You might surprise yourself and enjoy it!

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piratecat · 29/04/2009 11:52

hahaha, yeah right anna.

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BettyTurnip · 29/04/2009 11:54

BonsoirAnna - did you read the OP?

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hopefullandfree · 29/04/2009 11:54

How cruel and awful !
Is he in tip top shape, ruggledly handsome and always looks his best ? I bet not.

Sounds like hes putting you down and its affecting your confidence.You deserve a lot better., id tell him to either shut up about it or go and find someone who is attractive enough.

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 11:55

It's hardly a crime for a DH to have an opinion on how attractive he finds his DW... I take account of what my DP tells me he finds attractive and he listens to what I tell him I find attractive; that is normal, healthy, functional relationship behaviour!

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 11:55

Yes of course I read the OP.

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LongDroopyBoobyLady · 29/04/2009 11:57

What's most important is that you dress for you - to make yourself happy, nobody else.

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Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 11:59

Agree with hopefullandfree, unless he is a Daniel Craigalike, then what right has he to tell you how to look?
You say you already make an effort and make the best of yourself, what more can you do?

I agree with Anna that it is right to consider what your partner finds attractive and is nice to make an effort for them on a regular basis, but being glammed up like a WAG/porn star all day every day simply isn't practical for most women, let alone whether they'd want to.

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BettyTurnip · 29/04/2009 12:01

"I'm not a frump, but I don't glam up more than feels comfortable, and I don't want to be a sex object/accessory either.

I tend to swing between feeling hurt and as though I must be a bit of a minger, and thinking he has unrealistically high standards and that it's his problem."

Why should she dress to "please her husband" when it is obvious from her OP that she would feel uncomfortable?

He just doesn't sound like a man who makes you feel good, OP, therefore is he any good for you? Sorry.

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BettyTurnip · 29/04/2009 12:02

Sorry, first part of post directed at BonsoirAnna.

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 12:02

Where's the harm in trying? You can be casually glamorous - glamour does not equal WAGdom.

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BettyTurnip · 29/04/2009 12:03

But she DOES try. He's saying basically that it's not enough for him.

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 12:05

Try to dress to please her DH - nothing wrong with that.

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Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 12:05

The OP is already "casually glamorous", he is expecting her to go beyond that, which isn't practial in every day life for most women.
Why if she already makes an effort does she need to do more? Why can't she be herself?
Does he?

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 12:06

When you are in a couple you cannot just please yourself!

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BettyTurnip · 29/04/2009 12:06

BA- I think there's a lot wrong with that actually.

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 12:07

Explain...

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honeydews · 29/04/2009 12:07

Thanks for posts. I have thought all the same things: maybe he doesn't have enough of a spark with me and never has, and he can't help that; maybe I should pander to him more - dress and make myself up more to his tastes (although a part of me feels strongly that this wouldn't be being true to myself); and maybe he is a bit controlling and a perfectionist and, with him, I will often disappoint and that isn't my problem. I have also wondered if I am or have become so devoid of personality, or so unlikeable, that my looks have had to work harder for me.

I'm not proud of myself for doing this, but I do find myself looking at other mums at the school gate and thinking, yeah, I'm all right, me - what's his problem? And this is my issue: surely I can't be expected to be uncommonly gorgeous all day, every day? I know some women are (his mum puts her hair in rollers every morning and dresses immaculately, so he has grown up with this standard, TBH), but IME, they are in a minority. There seems to be a bell curve with this kind of thing, with most of us lumped in the averagely-all-right middle - and, for most couples, this seems to be all right. Because of this, and because I do make what I consider to be a reasonable effort (co-ordinated, flattering clothes with a bit of lippy and blusher most days), I'm uncomfortable with your suggestion, Anna; I feel this should be enough.

And in answer to hopeful's post, no, he's not in great shape at all! He's two stone overweight and is wearing old, faded, unflattering clothes a lot of the time. He has looked a lot better. The irony isn't lost on me.

Thanks for posts.

OP posts:
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BitOfFun · 29/04/2009 12:08

There is nothing better than being with a partner who finds you delicious the way you are, and nothing worse that feeling like a hamster on a wheel trying to win the approval of one who seems hellbent on crushing your self-esteem. It sounds like you have outgrown him to be honest, and mightbe much happier leaving yourself free to eventually meet someone who you are better-suited to. You can still be parents, but perhaps he isn't the right partner for you?

Anna is from a different culture you know...wackoland

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Lizzylou · 29/04/2009 12:08

Of course not Anna, it's all about compromise, which the OP's partner doesn't appear to understand.
She is already making a bloody effort, why should she walk around in "uncomfortably tight jeans" all day just because he wants her to.
What happens if she is ill? Gets PG? We can't all look our best all of the time.

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ingles2 · 29/04/2009 12:08

so he will try to be with you but with "conditions"
So what happens if you fulfill those?
Will he move onto the next thing "wrong" with you?
I'm afraid you said it yourself honeydews "he isn't attracted enough, enough of the time." IMO you deserve to be with someone who is attracted to you all of the time and you certainly shouldn't be overtly changing yourself to fit into someone else's ideals.

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BonsoirAnna · 29/04/2009 12:09

Why don't the two of you agree to both make more of an effort?

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