Decided to split but need help first...

[stayinpositive]

Hi there, I'm a newbie on here but am feeling desperate.

I've been with my husband for almost 9 years and we have a beautiful 14 mth old.

I've been back in full time work for almost 6 months.

In hindsight I've been stupid and naive thinking his endless selfishness and high expectations on the world (i.e. that it should revolve around him literally!) would be altered once we had a child. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

We had so many heart to hearts - all so far have managed to ease his conscience after admitting most of his faults. He's also had a courseof therapy but refuses couples counselling or for me to have therapy!!
The problem is he hasn't and won't change and I can no longer - and don't want to - put up with it.

Ultimately I don't want our little one growing up with pair of bitter and resentful parents/role models!?!?

The 'physical relationship' is non existent and it's a miracle we actually got pregnant, not that I regret that for one minute.

I have the full support of my family which is brilliant.

I am desperate for some practical advice on where to go for help. I don't want to give up work but also want to know whether I am eligible for any financial support. I've begun digging but it's not very straightforward and I would rather remain focused than get disillusioned with it all.

I'm planning on ending things in the next week or so (prior to a planned holiday so we can used that time to sort things out) I just want to have a clear idea of my options first.

Any advice massively appreciated.
Thx

[whoisasking]

Firstly, I'm sorry you're going through this. Break ups are never easy.

Does your DH know that you are preparing to take this step? I find it very interesting/telling that you are being "refused" therapy by him

Practicalities depend very much on peoples individual circs TBH. How much you earn a year, maintenance payments from your DH, childcare costs and other factors will affect the help you can claim.

The Direct Gov website here maybe a good place to start.

[stayinpositive]

Thanks for that. I did attempt to trawl through this site but it was late so wasn't concentrating.

His refusal of couples counselling or for me to get any help is interesting. I think he knows this is on the cards and has been trying to make an effort in very recent weeks but twice in the last week he has thrown that 'effort' back in my face so the penny has finally dropped and I realise it's not sustainable and at the end of the day (although I have little sympathy for him and am trying not to feel too responsible for him) he shouldn't have to live his life like that either.

It'll be a nightmare when I tell him - he's highly strung at the best of times, plus he has a nasty manipulative streak so I'll bear the brunt of that for a long time to come but at least I'll be living my life the way I want to and not walking on eggshells the whole time only to have continual criticisms thrown at me anyway!!

Thanks for the starting place - I'll see how that goes.

Also wondering if CAB are actually any use? Didn't learn too much from their website but wondering if a face to face would be worthwhile?

Thx again.

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

Be careful when you tell him. It's not unheard of for controlling men to get physically violent when they discover that the woman they think of as property is actually planning to escape their control.
Mind you, he can't refuse you getting therapy (unless he'd be the one paying for it). If you want therapy, go and have it: if he physically tries to prevent you going out of the house, you can call the police.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Well I found CAB fantastic. I would make an appointment as a matter of course anyway, even if just to show to yourself that you are serious this time and taking Proper Steps.

You will get financial support.

Sorry this is happening for you but you sound well focused and as though you know what will be best for you and your dc.

[cestlavielife]

funny - my ex said: "dont go to therapy they wil tell you to leave me"

the therapist didnt TELL me - but she made me think thru my options...

when i did leave he said "it's that therapist! it is those books you read! it is those people you speak to on the internet""

please do go to therapy/counselling!

agree with solidgolds tho - make sure you have a good safe action plan for leaving and other people to help.... presume he refused you going verbally - but he may well turn nasty....

[stayinpositive]

Absolutely - I've never been so sure.

I'm booking an appointment with CAB for early next week. I've done a couple of online calculations but not 100% sure how accurate I've been with things like childcare costs - we use childcare vouchers direct from employer and I can't remember the log in details for our joint account to see the balance going out on the DD.

Anyway - I will have to ask him for the log in details so I can check for sure. On second thoughts I'll ask the nursery when I pick LO up in a bit.

And DH is very controlling but in a very passive way - I've let myself be manipulated to keep him happy but he's seen flashes of the old me in the last few days which hasn't gone down well.

I'm making sure LO isn't around when I tell him and will be able to get out if it gets too much. He has been violent in the past but it was a long time ago and if he gets violent now the furniture or walls take it, not me.

I'm (again, possibly naively) hoping he'll admit he feels the same. I think his main focus will be the hassle of actually splitting up which is why I want to make sure I know my facts beforehand so that he can just look after himself.

Blimey - this is better than therapy. x

[stayinpositive]

Thanks cestlavielife. my reply overlapped with your message.

He would definitely blame the therapy etc if I went down that road but to be honest I don't think I need it now. I was really angry, confused and so tangled up with how I felt but now I've decided leaving is what I want, I just want it to happen. I know I'll be happier. T

Thx.

[Blu]

StayinPositive - get the log in details of your account!!!

Why do you not have your OWN password, separate fom his? I am most concerned that you are living with a controlling man and cannot get your own financial details without him giving you the info!

Make up a pretext for the log-in, ...pay something or whatever, and then REMEMBER it. You may need access to it. Is the majority of your joint money in this account? He could completely empty it into an account of his own, and you wouldn't know how much had even been in there!!

I think it is a good idea to have the appointment at CAB, and then get a good solicitor and find out and settle the finer details from them.

It does all sound very stressful and upsetting, and as if you are making the right decision.

Have a look at some material about emotional and psychological abuse.

[stayinpositive]

Hello again,

Been a few days and I'm glad to say nothing has changed and in fact he's adding to my arsenal everyday!

I did make up a reason for needing the joint account log in details (to make sure a car insurance DD was cancelled after I'd switched to a new provider) but he just went ahead and checked for me. I'm now slightly worried about the possibilities mentioned in Blu's post. I will find another reason for needing them and if not I'll go into the branch for a statement to make sure I know what's in there.

We pay the majority of our salaries into it and it's only food, petrol and pocket money left in my account. I can cancel my standing order if need be though - that'll mean at least I'll have my own money. (There's not much left in the account after bills each month and savings - what little there are - are seperate).

I have a telephone appointment with CAB this morning so if anyone has a couple of pointers of things I should make sure I ask about then please shout!

Many thanks

[sas45]

Hi there. Started my first thread couple of weeks ago about my similar situation,(Splitting up,how is it done financially)? I saw CAB and seemed to get a trainee! Make sure you have as much financial info to hand as poss. council tax, child/working tax credit, mortgage, wages etc. They gave me a print out of benefits i can get. Not easy to understand. I was advised to make an appointment with a solicitor that allows 30 min free initial appointment.Searched under Resolutions who have list of specialist solicitors in your area that deal with family law. Also have advise on the children too. x