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Relationships

I knew he was up to no good. (long)

69 replies

Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 12:48

DH is having affair. Was still denying it until I came up with evidence in front of him. Some of the lies he told were just laughable and for whatever reason I chose to believe him. Even now he is still lying and I don't know why because the fact that he IS having an affair is out in the open. He won't give me any details. Not details like what they got up to but who she is, how old she is, when he sees her. He is lying about where she lives despite me having evidence he is lying.

A few weeks ago we had a big meltdown where he didn't said he thought there was no hope for our relationship at all and we ought to split up. That came as a complete shock because we get on so well and never argue. I thought everything was more or less perfect up to that point, as perfect as any marriage can be.

He said he'd lost his feelings for me, that he didn't love me any more and there was no spark. We are going to Relate and have had a couple of sessions there. At Relate I felt it was all a bit of a character assassination and that he was suggesting things were all my fault. The counsellor seemed to be focussing on things that happened years ago that I didn't think were in any way relevant but I thought she must know best.

So I found out about the affair and I said well we're already going to relate and you don't think this is relevant. He said he is 100% committed to sorting out our marriage!. At this point he said having the affair is helping our marriage by making it better, and he seemed to have to intention of stopping seeing her. He says he doesn't want to leave me and be with her, then he says he will stop seeing her.

I've tried pointing out to him that in a new relationship he is going to feel more of a spark than he does in a lengthy marriage but he can't grasp that.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what is true and what isn't. I don't know when he is seeing OW. He says he hasn't told her we are going to relate. I bet he has.

First he said he needed emotional support from the affair, then he said it was all about sex. He said he loved her in a text I found. He hasn't been participating fully in family life for some time but I thought it was work. And as for it being all about sex, I have tried to have more sex with him countless times. I always have to initiate. His idea of initiating is to grab my breasts when I am cooking and then make some comment about never getting sex. I think he might be using a different approach with OW. We do have regular sex and I can just imagine him whining to this woman that he never gets a shag at home

I had recurring thrush a few months ago and when it didn't clear up I started to wonder if it was thrush and I gave him the chance to speak up then, saying I needed to know for my health if he had been with anyone else. Obviously I need to go and get tested. He says he uses condoms but I don't believe him. He doesn't even rememeber that we need to use condoms. I always have to remind him and he is quite daft about things like that.

The worst bit is that I think he went on holiday with her when I had a 2wk old newborn and I think he might have a child with her. I'm still trying to find out about that.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't want to tell any of my friends. I want to work this out but really, it's in his court now. He could quite easily say he has stopped seeing her but not.

I'm most shocked by his ability to lie. I never thought he had it in him. I would trust him with my life and he's done this to me.

In a way I feel better know I know it is and affair because I was puzzled at all these things supposedly wrong with the marriage that I didn't know about.

I don't know where to go from here. I need to have a good talk with him but he won't be in until late. I wanted him to take a sickie so we could talk uninterrupted but he was horrified by the very suggestion, fine upstanding man that he is . Suspect OW is at work with him.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 23/04/2009 12:51

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dalek · 23/04/2009 12:53

Don't have any advice but just wanted you to know that somebody had read this. I feel so sorry for you and I pray that you'll have the strength to get through this. I'm sure someone will be along soon with some good advice.

Take care and look after yourself and your LO

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morningpaper · 23/04/2009 12:56

blimey

It sounds as though part of you is actually OK with things the way they are. This is the sort of situation that is likely to simmer down and he will be living with two families for years and years.

If you are happy to put up with that, then fair enough. But that seems like your only choice, from what you have said. It's either that, or you need to accept that your marriage in any other form seems to be over.

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:04

I know she has a child and it seems to be quite young. He says it has been going on at least a year but I suspect longer. I want to save the marriage because apart from the fact that he is having an affair it is really good. I know how stupid that sounds.

I don't know if I will be able to get over the lying. Time will tell.

I might feel differently when it has sunk it. I can't stand the thought of the pair of them laughing at what an idiot I am.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 23/04/2009 13:08

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:11

No MP, I'm not happy to continue with this situation. This affair has to stop for my marriage to continue. But I haven't yet given much thought to what will happen if it doesn't stop. I only found out for sure today. And how will I actually know for sure if it has stopped? AFter so many lies how will I know. He's turned me into a suspicious sneak and I'm just not like that. I've never checked up on him, never seen the need. God.

Do people ever stop having affairs and stick with their marriages? It's not in my experience. I only ever read about it on here. I don't think anyone has ever cheated on me before.

He needs to change jobs but that won't be easy at the moment. He's been looking for a new job but he's not had any luck yet. I'm a SAHM. Terrific.

I don't trust people easily, but I trusted him.

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LoveMyGirls · 23/04/2009 13:12

You're being so reasonable, so calm and so willing to listen to his side of it all.

Only you know what you can cope with.

The part that shocks you most is his ability to lie? Really? Bceause from reading it the most shocking bit to me is that he has had an affair in the first place then the bit where he might have gone on holiday with her while you had a 2 week old and then the bit where he may have had a child with her.

If he were mine he'd be gone while I had space to think. If that meant he went and lived with her then so be it because honestly I'd rather be on my own that sharing my life with someone who has so little regard for my feelings. If you love him let him go if he truely loves you he will come back and beg forgiveness and then you can dictate the terms but honestly even then would you be able to trust him and what's a relationship without trust?

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adadwithnoname · 23/04/2009 13:14

Mug - just wanted to say this sounds wretched and rotten, and you seem to be terribly in control of how you feel, and what you feel you acn and should do. I'm impressed, seriously. I have seen people get over this kind of thing, it does happen - I mean you only ever see the outside, but I certainly don't think it's not worth trying to get over.

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:16

I haven't had a chance to talk to him properly. I found out at 6.31 am and he went to work at 7.

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morningpaper · 23/04/2009 13:19

He went to work, even though you asked him not to, because you have discovered that he probably has another family and has been lying to you for years

There is absolutely no indication that he will give up his second family - no remorse, not even offering you the decency of honestly at this stage

I am really sorry, he is behaving terribly

Lots of people live like this I'm afraid. It's sad and it's rubbish for the children involved. He has no incentive to change, if you are prepared to keep him in his first family home

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:21

I'm only calm because I got the shock of my life a few weeks ago when he said he thought it was over. I want to do screaming and wailing but I just think it will drive him away further. I was so calm this morning I even surprised myself. I need more information but I don't know if it will be forthcoming.

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morningpaper · 23/04/2009 13:23

I want to do screaming and wailing but I just think it will drive him away further.

YOUR behaviour is not the problem here. It is not your responsibility to keep him in check.

I think you need to find someone in real life you can talk to.

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:24

I don't think it is probable, I think it is possible. I don't know yet. My mind is racing. I don't want to boot him out in case he goes to her. He says she is married, he says she lives hours away but I can't believe a bloody thing he says.

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QSthevampireslayer · 23/04/2009 13:26

Petition for divorce on the ground of adultery. THEN sit back and dictate terms if HE wants to continue the marriage.

Use the time while he is at work to take legal advice.

He does not seem worthy of you. What sort of utter tosshead and total arsewipe has another woman during his wifes pregnancy and goes on holiday with his mistress when his wife his home with their newborn?

And you say your marriage is good and worth saving? Despite being with a man who has so little respect for you that he shags behind your back and complains about lack of sex with you by grabbing your breasts when you are busy cooking?

Your marriage has probably been good up to now because you have not rocked the boat, you have let this ape have his cake and eat it.

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QSthevampireslayer · 23/04/2009 13:27

So what if she is married? Not your problem.
So what if he goes to her? You would be well rid.

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whatdoyouallthink · 23/04/2009 13:27

Im sorry you are going through this. I understand its just awful. Your not a mug though remember that, your h is!

Ive just had a very similar thing happen to me. My h told me he didnt think we was working then I found out he was having an affair. He swore he would stop it despite telling her he loved her(which he swore he didnt mean) We was trying to work things out and then I found another mobile with texts on it. He had never finished with her and had lied about when it started(it was going on for much longer then he 1st admitted) Even now I dont think he can tell me the truth, saying he not speaking to her when im quite sure he is.

My h wouldnt talk about it either and still wont. Whenever the subject comes up he says its not the time to talk about . A lot of what I have found out I have found out from other people and just from digging around really. I was also able to speak to the ow as I knew her. Could you not ask him to talk to you about it as the facts will come out eventually and it will be better to hear them from him?(if you want to know about it that is)

I too am shocked with my h, its like they become a different person isnt it. Whatever way this goes you will be ok although I know how it doesnt feel like that.

I have found mumsnet a great help, lots of positive stories from people who have been there and come out the other side.

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:29

I'm meeting someone tomorrow to talk. She is someone I ment online so not involved in my circle of friends. I wonder if it is one of my friends. He told me her name but I don't believe him.

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:31

Met online

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morningpaper · 23/04/2009 13:37

I just feel very frustrated when you talk about coming out the other side when your husband doesn't have the decency to admit the truth when you KNOW he has another partner

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:38

What happened with you WDYAT? Are you still together?

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Mugonmyforehead · 23/04/2009 13:43

He's admitted he's having an affair. I will be questioning him later this evening and I will need answers. I'd be frustrated if I was reading this MP. I couldn't believe half of what I read in this forum until today.

I can't believe he could do this to me. I've done a lot for him, one way and another.

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morningpaper · 23/04/2009 13:49

I've done a lot for him, one way and another.

Again, this is really NOTHING to do with your behaviour. This is ALL about him. Don't focus on what you've done. It excuses nothing, justifies nothing.

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LoveMyGirls · 23/04/2009 13:49

If you give him the freedom to go you will see if he really wants to stay.

Pack his bags and tell him to go if he really loves you and wants to make it work he will want to stay then you say ok if you talk honestly to me, if he doesnt then you're better off without (better off without imo anyway but you clearly still love him) if he goes you know it doesn't matter what you would have done he'd still have gone all you've done is sped the process up and kept your dignity by calling the shots.

Why should the ball be in his caourt? What right does he have?

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QSthevampireslayer · 23/04/2009 13:50

Listen to Lovemygirls.

Pack an overnight bag from him, place it by the door, and when he comes home, you just tell him to leave.

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whatdoyouallthink · 23/04/2009 13:58

No we are not currently together. I told him to leave the 1st time I found out. We was gradually spending more and more time together(but he wasnt living here) and had been out on dates and as a family. Then I found out that he had still been seeing her. The rest of his stuff was then dumped outside for him to collect. I saw a solicitor months ago and started divorce proceedings but very nearly called it off as he said we was trying! Locks have also now been changed on the house.

All I get from him at the moment is he dooesnt know what he wants or how he feels. Ive had a very up and down week. I think my h wants to be with the ow but just cant tell me. In fact I think he probally IS with the ow but just cant tell me. I have no idea what is going on in his head and I dont know who he is anymore. I dont think even he does. His own mother has said she doesnt know who he is as her son would never have done something like this and called him a mug! My h started all this when I was heavily pregnant with our dc3 and its clearly continued upto now.

I hope you h can be honest with you later. Spend some time thinking about what you want maybe even spend sometime apart if its possible? Although I also understand you saying that you dont want him to go running to her. Its such a mix of emotions at times. I feel like I dont want him but I dont want him to have her...totally unreasonable I know!

Take some time to think and do get the legal advice. Maybe the start of that will be the kick your h needs to pack in the ow and commit to you-if that is what YOU want.

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