Would this ring alarm bells for you?

[HagridsHut]

I posted last week about a sleepover at new partners house. Basically in that episode, my two kids and his 12 year old dd did nothing but gang up on each other, tell tales and drive us nuts. DP did nothing at all about his DD and 100% of the blame went on my boys.

Now this weekend went much better. I warned my two before hand that they'd be no tell-tales, no arguining and no excluding.

They all behaved quite well but there was still a bit of rivalry going on. Again DP did nothing at all about his DD's part in it.

What really bothers me though is that she was constantly diving on my DS, jumping on him, dragging him around, slapping and kicking him (not aggressively but still winding him up), sitting on him ... basically just causing agro with him. DP did nothing at all to stop it and when DS reacted he was the one that got told off.

Anyway I've just been speaking to DP and he said "I thought the boys were good this weekend, they just spoilt themselves towards the end" that was when his DD was sitting on DS and throwing his around the living room floor!

I'm not an over-protective type but he seems totally blind to the fact that his DD is just as bad as my two boys. There is talk of us moving in together but the way it is at the moment, my kids are going to get the blame for everything and his DD is going to get away with murder.

Or am I over-reacting?

[GypsyMoth]

Moving in together? With problems already? It doesn't sound a good scenario to me! Sorry.

[Bumpety]

I'm not being smart - but have you tried talking to him about it? at all?

It sounds like you're afraid / unwilling to tell him some home truths or even unable to be honest with him?

I wouldn't be looking into moving in with someone that I couldn't talk openly to

[MrsFlittersnoop]

How long have you been a couple? I'm surprised the subject of moving in together has even been raised if your children haven't got used to each other yet.

I'd take things really slow if I were you, and don't force the issue by introducing sleepovers just yet. Your DP's DD is probably extremely jealous and confused right now.

[fourkids]

I think we get used to our own children's behaviour and honestly sometimes don't notice their naughtiness when we do notice the other DCs'...what we are used to washes over us a bit? Funnily enough even when we are strung out and looking for it! It's partly because we all have different standards/expectations/things that are or aren't acceptable.

Potentially his DD's behaviour was acceptable to DP but your DSs' wasn't - not because he was picking on them or seeing his DD through rose tinted specs, but just because each thing REALLY was either okay or not okay in his mind.

I think you have to have a conversation that starts something like: 'we have to be able to be totally honest with each other about how we feel about the behaviour of each other's DCs...and we have to listen to each other without automatically jumping to our own DCs' defence, which can be hard...'
then just have an honest, but non-judgemental, conversation. And remember that you and he will have different expectations, partly because it's inevitable because you are different people, but also because he has just one DD (I'm assuming?) whereas you have two so you are used to very different dynamics, and he has a DD and you have DSs.

[Tortington]

dont you say anything to either the partner or to the daughter?

a full frank and hionest discussion is warrented. - if you can't do it with this situation - you are doomed - communication is key

[stitchtime]

why is he your dp?

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

I wonder if you are both expecting your DC to be friends just because you and him are becoming a couple. It's quitea lot to askof children, and it needs to be taken pretty slowly - why should they like a child/children that they have been suddenly dumped with?