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Relationships

Has anyone gone back to live with parents after a long time away?

7 replies

admylin · 19/04/2009 15:34

Just looking for tips for harmonious living really!

We're going back to UK and before we get a place the dc and I will be moving in with my parents (they offered) but it is going to be tough as they are set in their ways, dad is abit grumpy and mum very relaxed but won't want to be stressed. Should we sit down and have a sort of talk about space, mealtimes, etc? I think we should say we'll feed ourselves and they should stick to their meals and relax times, we'll work around them? Or should we just all try and do everything together or no rules? Any experience would be gratefully taken notice of - except don't tell me not to do it, I have to, no choice about it!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2009 16:05

I don't really think your parents have thought about this thoroughly enough. What they are proposing has many implications and does not come without strings attached both emotional and financial.

From seeing my BIL move back in with his parents to disasterous effect I might add (there was no discussion and no rules beforehand, they have all made MANY, MANY mistakes) I would suggest the following guidelines:-

Rules. VERY IMPORTANT. All parties must talk to each other openly long before the move happens and detailed discussions between the four of you need to take place. No "sort of talk" will do - it has to be proper discussion. If this does not happen there is no point in moving back in with them. There must be rules and an honest expectation of who does what, when and why. No rules will lead to anarchy in their house and a lot of upset for all concerned. They could well turn around and say, "their house, their rules. Tough if you don't like them".

How long will you be staying with them?. You do need a plan to move out and the sooner the better.

Money is important, will you be expected to pay them rent?. Has this been mentioned?. What about utility costs?. These will increase for them if you all move back in. How much would you contribute towards increased running costs?.

Mealtimes can be another bone of contention.
They may want to eat at different times to you, who will buy food and will you all be expcted to eat with them or separately. What if they buy foodstuffs you don't like?.

Privacy is another important aspect that needs to be considered. This will be at a premium for your family unit if you are staying with your parents. You may find it very difficult to maintain a satisfactory sex life living in the same house as your parents.

Do they have a second bathroom?. Separate bathrooms/toilets are a must.

How are your parents with your children?. Will they complain about their playing around, how would you feel about them openly telling them off for misbehaving, giving them sweets you may not want them to have?. What about your social life, would they want to babysit your children for the evening if the two of you were to go out for a meal?.

How does your H get along with your parents?. If relations are not good there is another potential cause for friction between parties. And you'll be in the middle.

Any unresolved issues you have between them and you as their daughter could well come to the fore if you move back in. You could well come to resent them and this is why open and honest communication must happen before and during your time there - and keep happening.

I realise you have no choice but if you can instead rent a place this may be better for you all rather than living with them under the same roof. If you already feel it is going to be tough as they are set in their ways I would not actually take them up on their offer but rent instead.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2009 16:09

Transport is an important consideration as well. Would you want to use a car?.

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Boys2mam · 19/04/2009 16:13

I moved back in with my parents with my 3 month old son. I ended up being there for 3 years!!!

My husband was still living 300 miles away and only visited every other wkend so its a different set up to yours. I deferred to my DF, stayed out of the way with my DS when he first got in from work and ate when they did. It obviously worked for us as I enjoyed being there (and the free babysitting!!!). MY DS now has the most amazing bond with my Mum and Dad.

Also, when I was 13 my DF, DM, 3 DB's and I moved in with my grandparents for a while while our new home was being ompleted...we lived completely separately from our grandparents, they had the small living room and we had the big lounge and that worked too. I don't know what was discussed prior to us moving in but I loved the time spent there(I'm the only girl so I got my own bedroom!!!).

The strength of the arrangement is hopefully the relationship your DC's will gain with their grandparents and the weakness is your not having discussed it yet.

That would be my best advice - talk to them.

HTH

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admylin · 19/04/2009 16:14

Sorry forgot to mention, h won't be moving with us. He will be staying abroad and will visit or I'll visit alone for weekends.

Good tips though, thanks alot. I know it is going to be a very difficult time but not in as far as I can't wait to get away from wherte we are now andteh dc are over the moon about it and totally prepared to folow grandad's rules.

All bedrooms have ensuite bathrooms and it's a big enough house for us to have privacy, we'll get 2 rooms. I think we should work out utilities and pay some of that and I would prefer to shop for and cook our own food as we do eat very differently.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2009 16:31

Hi admylin,

Re your comments:-

"I know it is going to be a very difficult time but not in as far as I can't wait to get away from wherte we are now andteh dc are over the moon about it and totally prepared to folow grandad's rules".

Hmmm. how old are the DC's?. They may say that now but it may be completely different when they get there and start living with them. Grandad's rules could to them seem somewhat tyrannical in nature particularly if he is a "difficult" or "grumpy by nature" person. What will you think if he tells them off?. Will they be disciplined by your parents or will you want to have the final say?.

"All bedrooms have ensuite bathrooms and it's a big enough house for us to have privacy, we'll get 2 rooms. I think we should work out utilities and pay some of that and I would prefer to shop for and cook our own food as we do eat very differently".

There is NO "think we should work out utilities" about it (sorry to come on strong here re that but I've heard that before from BIL who has to date not contributed a single penny to costs) - you will need to contribute a set amount in terms of utilities. Not doing so could cause all sorts of problems (as it has done in my BIL's case).

Your parents may well want to draw up some sort of written contract re your staying there - how would you feel about that?. Its actually a good idea as this would describe expectations of each other, who does what and why.

Cooking is another potential minefield for all concerned, this will need sorting out properly long before you set foot back in your parents' residence. Where will you put your foodstuffs, it will have to be in their kitchen?. Is there kitchen big enough to accommodate?. What about the fridge/freezer?.

All parties will also need to continue both open and honest communication when you are all living under the same roof. Being a "boomerang kid" can be very hard for all concerned.

You must have a departure date lined up if you move back in with them. I would go as far to say that if you don't have a set date of leaving then you should not be considering moving back in with them. Intending to stay for say three months and ending up being there 3 years is not at all desireable for anyone.

You must also be fully prepared for the three of you to sit down and have a series of open and honest discussions about expectations of behaviour along with who does what and why. If this does not happen a recipe for disaster is on the cards.

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sleeplessinstretford · 19/04/2009 17:24

i had to move home last year when our house was a)flooded and then b)fell down while we were getting it all fixed.
It was hideous-my parents thought we were sniffy if we didn't eat with them and yet insisted on eating at 5pm (my dp doesn't finish work until 5 so his was dried up in the oven and he ate alone)
my dad doesn't eat ahem garlic,onions,cheese,tomatoes,rice,pasta (basically anything that isn't plain meat and veg with potatoes.) It was just a fucking nightmare-i couldn't let the baby cry as i didn't want them to hear her at night so she still doesn't sleep (we've been home since december)the least little thing is a trigger (i found)
if you have any option to do otherwise i would. Did you know how many emergency services/soaps there are on the telly right now? i do,because my parents had them booming out of the telly every night all night whilst they were asleep in their armchairs-if we turned over they'd wake up and say 'i was watching that' and if you have an early night/read in another room/open a bottle of wine they'd get well suss and come in to quiz you with what's going on-there's a reason why grown ups live in their own spaces...

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timmette · 19/04/2009 19:00

We lived with in laws for a year and you really do need to have a very honest discussion about it.
We agreed that I would do all the cooking - as mil is a terrible cook and hated cooking so that saved her a job and I got to eat what I wanted - we paid for all the food for everyone and did the food shopping.
We shared a bathroom and we avoided it at times when we knew they would need it for going to work, etc.
Sex - only if they were out of the house.
We had 2 bedrooms and had a sofa and our own tv in ours - we went to our room most evenings - different taste in tv viewing and to give them some space and us some space.
MIL told me she would only intervene with ds if he was doing something dangerous otherwise I was his parent - and she was really good at this.
It was very stressful and I love my in laws they are like parents to me and we are very close - now they have a great bond with my ds and he adores them. However never ever again - I need my own space. Do set a date to move out.

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