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Relationships

I need some constructive advice please.

57 replies

haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 14:42

I don't really know where to start but I am worried I am becoming depressed. DP has a lot of problems stemming from a family speration as a child, a (still) controlling mother, drug issues etc etc.

He is currently withdrawing from Codeine and has been for a year so far. I manage all of our financial stuff. Although he pays the mortgage (this is his war cry when I want to him to leave) I pay everything else which amounts to far more. I have the card from him for our joint acc as he has continually drawn money from it to spend on utter shit when we are struggling to buy even basic stuff like food or items for dd (16mo).

Every weekend I want to crawl into a hole and just switch off. I am in our room today after a period of crying and shaking after looking at our joint acc on line and seeing the repurcussions of March's cash withdrawals.

He is never going to grow up - I feel so alone and he has no idea of the pressure he is putting me under. I feel as though I physically cannot cope with his irresponsibility and failure to behave like a decent partner.

We have had sex four times since dd was born and I cannot even begin to think of him in that way as I am so full of mistrust for and anger with him. It's affecting my interaction with dd and stopping me from being a decent mother to her which I resent hugely. I'm in our room today while he is out with her, worrying about money and trying to work out how the hell we are going to accommodate things that have bounced because of his pathetic self indulgence. He's out with her and won't even be enjoying it as I became pregnant by accident and 'trapped' him into fatherhood. He has acted like he deserves time off in lieu for what he has to spend with her. It took him till she was around 9mo to really bond with her (when she could'give some thing back' - that makes my blood boil) and he does love her sincerely. She adores him which makes it hard for me to know what to do.

I have repeatedly told him to go (I think life would be better and easier if we separated) but he refuses and blames me for wanting to split our family up. I don't feel we have ever had what you would call a family.

I think I hate him and feel completely and utterly frozen, broken and demoralised by him. I don't know what to do. I don't tknow whether I am depressed - I thinkanyone in my position would be angry and sad and I am frightened I am going to become ill if I don't get myself out of this situation.

If I could pluck a solution out of the air I would magic all my old feelings back, and be happy all together. The problem is that there is a massive big chunk that just feels completely dead and broken. I would really appreciate any advice.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 14:53

please, anyone.

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mankymummy · 18/04/2009 14:58

you sound pretty convinced that the relationship is over.

if thats the case, is the mortgage in joint names? is there any equity in the house? are debts in his name, yours or both?

if you're not sure its over, do you think there's any chance he'll accept his part of the financial problems? If he cannot be trusted will he agree to hand over all finances to you and he just have pocket money? Are you sure he is paying the mortgage?

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:01

Go to CAB, I think it is absolutely over and you need to leave for your own sanity.

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GypsyMoth · 18/04/2009 15:01

Only you know if you can get back old feelings. I couldn't with my ex. One day I realized I felt nothing, even though I knew it would be hard to leave ( suicide attempts) but I had to.........and so much happier now. So are our DC.

I can sympathize with how you feel.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:01

Thank you for replying. The mortgage is in joint names. Debts mainly in mine and no he wouldn't accept responsibility for those although they are due to covering money squandered by him to pay for basics while I was on ML. He won't agree to the pocket money thing and tbh I don't want to take any more responsibility for him. Yes, he is paying the mortgage.

I just feel desperately desperately unhappy.

I feel like he has stolen life from me and I don't know what to do.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:02

Thank you for replying.

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mrsboogie · 18/04/2009 15:03

Jesus he sounds a nightmre, a selfish child. I'm no medic but a year seems a long time to be withdrawing.

anyway your situation is untenable, clearly and the sooner you take action the better for your own mental welfare.

If I was in your position I would give him an ultimatum (which I would stick to) either he hands control of the finances to you or the house goes on the market and you go your separate ways.

You are not responsible for him - you have yourself and your child to look after - he needs to grow up or suffer the consequences alone.

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GypsyMoth · 18/04/2009 15:04

No, you have a whole life ahead of you!! Making the break and the practicalities of it are hard, but it's really going to be worth persevering with it, if you decide to move on?

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:07

How does he treat you on a day to day basis if he is mean & controlling then you should be able to get help from your local authority to leave. Ring womans aid they will help, remember you always have the option to leave & go to a woman's refuge. You have grounds to divorce him so personally I would start the ball rolling by seeing a family solicitor and issuing a divorce petition.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:09

Thank you. I don't know where to start if I decided to leave. We wouldn't make our money back on the house if we were to sell it I don't think. I loved it when we bought it and I feel nothing at all any more.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:10

We are not married thank goodness. He has said he wanted to ask me during crisis talks but never actually has.

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GypsyMoth · 18/04/2009 15:10

Yes. Womens aid are good. Went that route myself. Was re-housed in a lovely house and got a new life. It can be done you know!

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:11

He has been extremely unpleasant to live with in the past but not so difficult now. It's the emptiness I cannot cope with.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:11

I would feel like such a fraud going to WA.

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:12

Well if you're not married then it is much easier to leave is your name on the mortgage?

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GypsyMoth · 18/04/2009 15:12

Please remember that money is nothing compared to your happiness and peace of mind. Don't worry too much about house making a loss. In the scheme of things, it's nothing.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:12

YYes, both of our names are.

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Swedes · 18/04/2009 15:18

Why do you have joint finances with someone who is totally irresponsible? Sort that bit out first thing on Monday morning.

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:18

That's a shame you could find out about signing your share over to him if he wants it. If there is no equity in it then there is no point in selling it if he is happy to take it on.

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mrsboogie · 18/04/2009 15:19

It is difficult as tempting as it may be, if you just bugger off he will probably have to perfect excuse to indulge himslef to the extreme, stop paying the mortgage and get you into more debt.

You need legal and financial advice pronto. If you at least set this in motion after the weekend it will make you feel like you are beginning the process of sorting things out. The worst thing for you now is the feeling of being stuck in this situation. But it is escapable and you can have a happy stable life with your child in due course.

In your position I wouldn't care too much about the house or the money - these are secondary to personal happiness.

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:19

I want to be careful that he isn't paying the mortgage out of his account, and that both of our names are on that. But yes, I want to get out of the financial association with him.

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:23

not sure what you mean "his" bank account is actually a joint one????

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haveilosttheplot · 18/04/2009 15:24

we have individual accounts and one joint account which we pay household things from.

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CarGirl · 18/04/2009 15:31

do you have an overdraft on the household one and does he have any access to it all? YOu need to get legal advice to sort out the mortgage etc but I would start cancelling direct debits etc and making sure he can't emptying the joint account etc do as much as you can before you tell him that you're leaving.

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mrsboogie · 18/04/2009 15:47

you shouldn't leave without sorting the mortgage as you will be liable for any defaults on it. If he is as irresponsible as he sounds he will drop you in it.

You might be able to hand the house back to the bank rather than wait for it to be sold if he refuses to take it all on himself.

given you are not in physical danger from him I would get this all sorted before leaving as you don't want to end up with mortgage foreclosure on your credit rating.

Get yourself down the CAB first thing!

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