upset by mothers comments about ds going to nursery

[yummytummy]

ds (18 months) has been at nursery one day a week now for a few months. i work part time and other 2 days mum in law has him. its a lovely nursery and he seems to enjoy his time there after the initial tears on arrival.

well we went to my mothers over easter and she was playing with him and then started saying oh my poor little one has to go to strangers blah blah blah doesnt get one-one care etc. now this really pissed me off as she was being so negative and so i had a go. then she just couldnt see why i was upset saying she had a right to say her opinion. anyway it got v v heated and she just wasnt getting my point. anyway in the end my dad had to calm things down and it settled but its just left me with a horrible feeling. even though i know its good for him shes made me doubt our decision and its just that she never has anything good to say about anything.

i know i should probably let it go as she wont get it but has really upset me. any advice?

[Meglet]

Ignore your mum (as hard as it might be), she sounds ridiculously negative. If your ds is enjoying nursery it will do him the world of good. My mum was a bit un-enthusiastit when my ds started nursery, she's come round to the idea now.

[CarGirl]

Your Mum is probably jealous because MIL looks after him 2 days per week and she isn't able to.

Having to work is a fact life and someone has to look after your ds and at 18 months he is probably loving the experience of nursery!

[compo]

is it because your MIL has him the other 2 days?
would she like him one of those days or is she too far away or works?

[Smittals]

Hi Yummytummy, I'm really sorry that your mum has upset you, but please don't doubt what you're doing. One day a week in a lovely nursery is going to do your DS far more good than harm!! I'm not sure that you can persuade your mum to see sense but just wanted to post and back you up a bit. I had to place DD in a nursery 3 days a week from 5.5mths and had similar (although more veiled) criticism from both DM and MIL. DH and I now firmly believe that the nursery, which is great, has been really beneficial for DD in terms of language and social development, rather than being the cold, cruel place the GPs seem to think!! Even DM now admits it has been a Good Thing.

If she really winds you up, you could always refer her to that report that was in the papers a while back (wish I had a link) that showed time spent in professional nursery care was in almost all areas more beneficial to a child's development than staying with granny! Disclaimer: I am not knocking care within the family myself!

[NellieTheEllie]

Do you think she may be jealous or upset that your mother in law gets to have the one-one care with your Ds and she doesn't?
If she has a history of not saying anything good about anything, then just ignore. You know you are doing the best thing for you and your son.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

My mum doesn't really approve of nursery which is fine, it's her opinion, she has told me what she thinks like an adult and respects my pov. Yours is being passive aggressive and nasty - using the baby to make her point rather than just saying it direct to you. She is being a cow.

[yummytummy]

hi thanks for all the comments, i never thought she may be jealous that mil has him 2 days but tbh i wouldnt feel that relaxed leaving him with her (mum) anyway. plus she's an hour away and works mornings. will try to ignore as best i can. me and dh are happy with the nursery though and ds seems to have fun. any other advice much appreciated!

[whereismumhiding]

Good yummytummy. I'm glad you're feeling better about it now. Your DH supports you. You know DS is happy there. The right nursery can be a great experience for a child. It's only one day a week FGS!!! What a lovely treat for him.

It's interesting that you wouldnt feel relaxed leaving DS with her. Sounds like there is much more under the surface to this.

kat2907 is right, your mum making a barbed comment like that is really passive aggressive behaviour.

Have you ever read anything on transactional analysis? If you can ever borrow "Games People Play" by Eric Berne from a library (it's a very old book but still a classic) or get a copy off of ebay, then I suspect you might recognise a few other games your mum might play. It's a very readable book.

Sending a hug xxxx

[mogwai]

There's tons of evidence to say that children who've been exposed to good quality daycare are advantaged over those who have been at home with a parent or grandparent.

Find the evidence and trot it out when you next see her.

How dare she make those sorts of comments?! I feel for you and think you're doing the right thing.

[myredcardigan]

Well mogwai, there's evidence backing both sides of that argument but that's not really relevant.

Many thousands of children are in nursery 5days a week for 10hours a day and in the long run it probably doesn't do them much harm if any. Most parents have no choice, financially. So it certainly isn't a terrible thing you are doing.

I agree she is probably jealous.

[MIAonline]

Try being passive aggressive back if she brings it up again, sweet smile and " I am sure there were things you did when I was a baby that other people didn't agree with but a mother knows best! and walk away

[MIAonline]

BTW, IME, nothing you say will change her mind if she is as stubborn opinionated as my Mum

[mogwai]

It's perfectly relevant, red cardy. The evidence says that children who are solely at home (with no access to other children in the form of daycare) are disadvantaged socially at the age of three. The children who do best are those who are in part time daycare and spend the rest of the week with a consistent carer.

If I wasn't so tired (and if I knew how to do links!) I'd link you to the evidence. I'm very interested in this area as I'm a child developmentalist and I've done quite a lot of reading on the subject over the past few years as part of my job.

My inlaws made similar comments when I put my daughter into daycare three days a week.

Things have changed a lot since they were bringing up their children; not least the fact that many mums today have little financial choice but to go to work.

There is an excellent book called "Toxic Childhood" that describes in some detail the many pressures facing today's mothers, issues that were never faced by the previous generation (and how that affects how they feel about being a mother). There's another excellent book that came out of Sydney University a couple of years ago called "Oh Dear - we forgot to have children" that raises similar issues. I was working at Sydney University at the time - not sure you can get this book in the UK.

Ultimately, the OP's mother sounds a little jealous of the MIL but I'm aghast that she has the face to make comments about her daughter's choices when her daughter is lving in such different times.

OP - like I said - I feel for you.

And now I'm going to bed!

[myredcardigan]

At 3 yes, not at 18mths.

[gremlindolphin]

My mum was horrified when dd1 started going to nursery 2 days a week and made me feel awful strangers looking after her, she'll just be like all the others, she'll be gone soon enough anyway but i knew that I had made the right decison for dd and me.

About 6 months later when Mum had been to see our lovely nursery, saw how much dd loved it and saw how happy I was to be able to work 2 days a week she actually apologised to me which was wonderful.

Good luck!

[myredcardigan]

The research actually says that from the age of 3 children need socialisation. It is considered the age of autonomy and they benefit hugely from being with other children at that age.

However, nursery for under 2s is daycare plain and simple. I'm not against it and respect all choices but we shouldn't dress it up as being good for the child. That's not to say it's necessarily bad for the child but there's no evidence to suggest it's good. Of course anecdotally parents will say baby loves it but that doesn't mean they do any more than tears at drop off mean they hate it all day.

As I said, for many parents it's the only option, even f/t and they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. I think it's very unlikely they are harming their child as suggested by the Op's mother.

So I said it was irrelevant because the research you refer to pertains to older children, not children under 2.