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Practical advice after a relationship break-up please

9 replies

Bowbelles · 18/04/2009 00:55

After 23 years my XP and I have agreed to split up. It's my decision - I haven't been happy for some time. We have drifted apart and although I have felt this way before I have never actually had the strength to do anything about it. I have realised that my XP was also very controlling.
Now that the decision has been made and he is coming to terms with it can anyone please offer any practical advice. I'm not sure where to start??
I have opened a sole bank account and informed the Inland Revenue for Tax Credits purposes and have also had a free 30 minute session with a solicitor.
I'm trying to avoid paying for further legal advice if at all possible.
Solicitor said I will get 50% of house equity and that XP should be paying 25% of his salary as maintenance for our 3 DCs (age 15/13/11). He hit the roof when I mentioned that though. To be honest I just want out and if I can do it without his help then I will.
Can anyone please offer any advice on where to start? Have had house valued and will now put on market but not sure what to do next.
Sorry this is so long.

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outnumbered2to1 · 18/04/2009 01:13

do you want to stay in the house until its sold? Or do you want XP to move out? Is he likely to be reasonable or kick up a fuss?
i would call my local housing office and explain situation to them with a view to getting on the housing list as a priority with the kids.
You could also call the Citizens advice people and talk to them about what your next step should be.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 18/04/2009 01:22

sorry to read this first of all
do you work at all?
if you earn below a certain amount(can't remember how much)then you are entitled to legal aid
you will need further legal assistance here tho poss.
are you married?if yes then you will.
it might be worth seeking mediation to clarify the financial side of things
you also need to consider pension,childrens'future education and healthcare if that's in place etc
also arrangements relating to the dc
mediation is useful as its impartial and offers up to date realistic advice,you will also receive at the end a memorandum of understanding(?)which is recognised in law
hope this helps a little
apologies if i gave the wrong legal terms for anything here
best of luck

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Bowbelles · 18/04/2009 01:33

Thanks for the advice.
We are not married. Solicitor said I'm probably on borderline for legal aid but said it has to be paid back anyway (with interest so most people chose to pay up front).
Outnumbered - The house will be sold and we will have 50/50 split. He is not really staying there at the moment anyway. He can't afford to pay the mortgage and also rent somewhere. I will come out with a nice deposit but not sure that I will get a mortgage for the balance. I work PT and term-time only.
Blondemoment - is mediation for couples who are trying to make a go of it? We're definately passed that, or can they help with other things?
Thanks

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outnumbered2to1 · 18/04/2009 01:43

bowbelles - if you earn below a certain amount you should be able to apply for housing benefit for at least part of your rent for your new place at least until you can sort out a mortage. although i have no idea if banks are willing to lend to part time workers.
when i left my ex i not only walked away from our life, house & job i also moved country back to scotland so was homeless jobless penniless and had a ten week baby in tow.
Hope everything goes ok for you and the DC

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Bowbelles · 18/04/2009 01:49

That's so brave Outnumbered - good for you. I hope it has worked out for you.
Would I still get housing benefit if I have equity in the house?
Thanks for your support. I'm off to bed now (didn't realise the time) but will check back tomorrow.
Thanks

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outnumbered2to1 · 18/04/2009 03:00

didn't feel brave at the time more like running back home with my tail between my legs!
best thing for DS1 though to be brought up with all his cousins nearby rather than all alone with sad mum in austria.
I don't know how housing benefit would go with equity sorry. i didn't have a pot to pee in when i came back so totally different boat sorry.

I'm in insomnia mode tonight so i'll catch you in the morning

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tallyhohoho · 18/04/2009 07:24

Can't you keep the house until dcs 18? Not sure but thought I'd mention.

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aseriouslyblondemoment · 18/04/2009 14:29

mediation isn't like relate i promise or i wouldn't have used it!
its the opp.for both of you to sit down and sort out the financial side of things and/or access to the dc etc
it is hosted for want of a better word by a qualified professional who can suggest and guide the couple thru informed choice
at the end of the mediation sessions a memorandum of understanding is drawn up which is a legally recognised document and which can be passed onto solicitors etc
not quite sure of what takes place from there onwards tho
i am speaking from the POV of a divorced woman here so in my case it became the consent order which is obv.enforceable in law

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Bowbelles · 18/04/2009 21:27

Thanks seriouslyblonde - my friend has also been through mediation and is going to explain it to me.
Tallyho - don't think I could do that. XP could not afford mortgage on this house and afford to rent/buy another.
Thanks for your help everyone. It even helps just talking about it and knowing I'm not going through it alone