How to deal with a friend who wants lots of long phone calls? (long and petty, sorry)

[Gentle]

I have a very dear, lovely friend, my oldest friend in fact. She has supported me through all sorts and vice versa over the last 20 years.

Right back when we were first getting to know each other, we noticed just one personality clash. She loves to talk for hours on the phone and I don't. Every few years (so probably about 10 times now) I have raised it with her, and somehow it just creeps back.

I acknowledge that I have a problem with using the phone, would rather not go into that (therapy has helped) but if I get stuck in a long personal phone conversation (20 minutes plus) I sometimes start to physically shake. I've explained this to my friend so many times and she appears to understand... but still she gets on the phone and will happily keep me there for 90 minutes about absolutely nothing - recipes, politics, things friends did 15 years ago. Towards the end of a long one she will even say "Gosh that was pretty good for you, you're normally crap on the phone." I've todl her that upsets me as well as she knows my reasons for phone avoidance.

I must admit sometimes I hear her voice and I just glance at the clock and think "Oh no, there goes my evening."

I've just had to politely try and wrap up a call very quickly. I checked that she was okay and whether she had any big news, kids okay, etc, then she said "Right I think I'd better bugger off then and leave you in peace since you are obviously busy" in a really shitty voice and I couldn't help but just say "Okay then."

I guess I just needed to rant, but does anyone else have a bad phone relationship like this? How do you handle it?

[thumbwitch]

WHy don't you email each other instead?

I have a friend who I know will always be on the phone for 1 - 1 1/2 hours whenever she rings, and we used to chat maybe once every 3 months or so, but I've hardly spoken to her since DS (16mo) was born because I just don't have the time! I miss our chats though - I don't have a problem whittering on the phone.

If you have a phone phobia, she should be more supportive of that and recognise your problem but clearly she wants to be able to chat to you about her life without being cut short. I would suggest that, if 20 mins is the max you can stand comfortably, that you say that almost immediately (i.e. after the hellos) - in a jokey sort of way if you like, and then give her a 5 minute warning after 15 mins.
If she can't deal with it, then develop an urgent need for the loo which can't wait (I used this one a lot with my Mum who used to whitter on for ages about people I knew nothing about).

[Chatkins]

I know where you are coming from - I hate talking on the phone to certain people. I am alright with one friend who lives far away, and who I speak to about once a month. I am fine with my sister, who lives near, and who I see every week! But anyone else, forget it, I just don't enjoy it.
I am forever glancing at the time, thinking of ways to end it etc.
The way I try to deal with it is to anticipate when a certain person is most likely to phone, and try to beat them to it. This will mean a lot to them, as it is always them who calls you, but also puts you in control of when you phone, what mood you are in first, and when you end it.
I have much better chats with certain people if I try to do this!

[Gentle]

thumbwitch I have tried this but she says she is crap with computers! I find it hard to buy this as her laptop is always switched on and not a metre from her side... think she just really enjoys a good natter.

Chatkins Ooh, that's good, I like that!

[Tanee58]

I have a really old family friend of my mother's - we all dread her calls, not only does she keep going for hours, but she doesn't listen or give you much of a chance to talk and it's all about her. I would say, if she gets really shitty with you, just say 'yes, it's great to hear from you but I do have xyz to do.' After all, you DO have a life apart from spending it on the phone.

[Owls]

I agree I hate being on the 'phone for ages. Don't know why but it just drives me mad after a few minutes. Especially when I'm tired and just getting ready to chill out for the evening just seems like an instrusion no matter how much I love my friends and family.

I think you've done the right thing this evening. Your friend knows you dislike being the 'phone for ages. People know I don't like it and I usually end up saying "Right I'm off now" and tbh if we've covered whatever we were talking about that's fine.

You've got a long, solid friendship there by the sound of it. Like you say, she knows what you're like so don't worry too much.

[Chatkins]

When I do this I get genuine shock from my friends, 'o my god, you're calling me ???'
I am crap on the phone too apparently.
I wouldn't phone me.

[whereismumhiding]

Ah, I talk on the phone for hours with my friends. I do the washing up/laundry etc at the same time, and often so do they, it's kinda company.

It never offends me though when a friend says any of the following things
"I am so glad you rang. I have to go out/catch a programme/ cook dinner in about 10 mins but do tell me how you are . .. (you could always interrupt after about 8 mins and say, right I need to start getting ready/make cup of tea before my programme .. Been great ot hear from you tho'"
"It's been lovely talking to you but I am desperate for the loo/bed/to see my DH who has just walked in/read the magazine on my lap..."
""Right I will let you get on as I am sure you have lots to do tonight as well.." (even tthough you're not the one talking and you're the one who wants to go
"I cant talk long, got headache coming/sore back and need to lie down/etc."
"Right I need to go now" (that one works really well!!)

I use them myself as I have friends who ring and talk forever too on the phone and it's not a good day for me to chat, it's kinda an unwritten rule between us. Does this help?

[reikimarie]

What amazes me is people have the spare time and emotional energy to invest in long draining calls.

I have cut them right out of my life as there were bringing me down. It meant ending three friendships over the years but so be it. From now on I make it clear to any new friends that I can only speak for 10 mins tops and even then that would be only occasional.

I much prefer to keep in touch by email or text and speak face to face with people when we actually do meet up in the flesh so to speak.

Anybody else share this?

[kettlechip]

Why don't you just get caller ID on your phone and screen calls? Then if you have time to chat, you can do, otherwise you can let it go to answerphone and text them back, or call when convenient for you.

I used to work in an office where incoming calls usually meant more work or an issue for me to sort out, that's carried through to now where sometimes the phone rings and I think, what do you want?

I don't think I could be as blunt as to actually tell people I have a time limit for calls. I think it's far nicer to speak to people, texts and emails can be a bit impersonal sometimes.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Have you got a timer on your cooker?

When she next calls, why not go into the kitchen (assuming you have a cordless phone!) and set the timer for a time that you feel comfortable with.

Then when it goes off you can say "oh sorry, the cooker timer is going off, I have to go and sort the meal out".

[MrsMattie]

I've got a friend who hates texts / emails (which I live by!) and only 'does' long phone conversations. I hate the phone. I must admit, I employ the sort of tactics that BecauseImWorthIt suggests. I use my kids as an excuse a lot, too.

I am practically phone phobic, btw, and I wish I knew why.

[Tinker]

I think caller ID and you phoning her are teh best ways to go here. I like the cooker timer but she could twig after teh 4th or 5th time.

I hate using the phone, rarely answer it

[howtotellmum]

Oh dear-my friends and I are guilty on both accounts!

A long phone call for us would be 2 hrs plus.

If my BF and I are talking on the phone, we often say "I am busy/ can give you 20 minutes/ will call you back later...are you ok" type of thing.

She- and me- will also sometimes say "Had a crap day/argument with DH/DP etc ...but don't want to talk about it now...too upsetting..."

I suppose you have to ask- is she needier than you- does she bend you ear, but you don't bend hers? Do you simply not have the time to listen?

Most of my friends do not live nearby, so in any one week, I might have one long phone call and one short one ( that's under 30 mins.)

I like phoning and it's how we keep in touch.

I think the trick for you, is to lay down boundaries in the first few minutes of any call she makes- by telling her you would love to chat, but can only give her 10 minutes today, or whatever, as you have XYZ to do. If this happens often enough, she will get the message.

I suppose my question to you is- is she really a good friend and if so, why don't you like talking to her? is it your phone phobia, or are you simply too busy to invest the time in that or any friendship?

[SubRosa]

I screen all my calls with the answer phone. I always pick up calls from close friends if possible, but at the same time, I have the option of avoiding those stalker-type people who want to talk at (rather than to) you for 2 hours. I probably sound anti-social and uptight but I just don't have the time to sit around talking.

[discoball]

This sounds all too familiar!.... I have a "friend" who rings me (her daughter is friends with my daughter) and I don't want to rock the boat..... she doesn't take a hint when (after 45+ mins at least) I drop a hint, "must go now, better go in a minute" etc... and must love the sound of her own voice because she just goes on and on and it's all mundane stuff about her friend in the outer Hebrides/little Sam next door who I cannot relate to at all! I am a good listener, but she literally does not let me get a word in and will talk over me. Even when we bumped into each other in town, her friend asked me a question and she answered for me before I even had a chance to open my mouth!! I'm afraid I've resorted to tactics suuch as holding my phone near the door bell and ringing it and then announcing there's someone at the door or saying "Got to go! The dinner's burning!" I don't like lying but she doesn't realise that I have other things to do apart from chat to her. She also makes up my mind for me, e.g. she 'll say "I'll see you in 2 wweeks for a coffee" not "shall we meet for a coffee" etc.... I'm afraid that I will have to become more assertive/blunt (not rude) in the future or I will just become resentful. On the odd occasion we meet up for a "quick" coffee, I come away mentally exhausted!!!

[Gentle]

Thanks everyone. I'm reluctant to use the "I must get off the phone because of cooker/kids" type of tips, because she would twig and anyway she rings me back an hour or so later with "Are you free now?" so it's much better to be honest.

The thing is, I really have been honest, and although it is a good solid friendship I'm beginning to think that she measures its value by how long I spend on the phone with her, even though she knows about my phone phobia. That judgement upsets me. I know she hates email and facebook but I don't judge her for very rarely (twice a year?) emailing me or getting in touch via facebook.

It feels a bit like she rings me when she's bored in the hopes that I'll entertain her (i know lots of people do this, even I do this with friends sometimes, but 90 minutes? It's like saying "Please stop everything and entertain me for the length of your average feature film.". While she's on the phone she'll say "Hang on, I'm just going to make a drink," or "Bear with me a minute while I put the washing machine on," and I just think - hang on - you've phoned me and stopped my evening. I am sitting here and my evening can't continue until you stop talking. Am I really expected to sit here and be background music for you while you do other things?

Also, I will sometimes say after about 25 minutes, "Okay, I'm reaching my phone limit now, ha ha you know what I'm like, I'm going to have to go in a minute," and she'll say "Okay then, I'm pleased you had a good week, it sounds much better than mine, oh did I tell you about the palaver with the gas man on Tuesday..."

Ten minutes later I say "Well, anyway, I've got lots to get on with this evening and I'm almost talked out so must go," and she'll say "No worries mate. I'm glad you've had a good couple of days, anyway. Let me have the details of that wildlife you went to, it sounds much better than our local one. You know last time we went there was this monkey...."

Ten minutes later I say, "Right, third time now mate, I really have got to go, we've been on the phone nearly an hour and I still ahve loads of housework to do, so it's bye from me!" and she'll say "Okay then, been nice chatting to you anyway. I wish we could just get together and chat any time, it would be so much nicer. I mean when I first moved here - have I ever told you this? - I was so worried that..."

Ten minutes later..!

She just DOES NOT want to have a call ended. Even after ages I get the sad little "Ah well I suppose it has been nearly 2 hours. I suppose we should go, I know you don't like the phone, but this has been ace, hasn't it, a lovely long chat like this?" and so even after spending hours talking I'm always left feeling inadequate.

She really does have a rhino skin on this. I think she thinks that one day I will see the light and start wanting hours on the phone and is just holding out for that day. Perhaps I should let her see this thread, she's enough of a mate to take it well I think!

[BitOfFun]

Can you cut across her and say "next time, tell me next time, BYEEEEE!"? Click. Brrrrrrrrrr.

A bit rude I know, but she's being a bit rude herself.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Go to the front door and ring the doorbell. DH does this for me when my mum is prattling on the phone.

[discoball]

Actually, I think BitOfFun has a valid point... I know you obviously value her as a friend, which is great, but she isn't taking your feelings into account, so maybe you will have to cruel to be kind? Glad to see someone else uses the good old doorbell trick!!! Good luck, you sound very understanding, perhaps your friend should be to. I think you would have to have the skin of a rhino not to take all those hints!!

[RolyPolyRoly]

omg I have this issue with the phone too but have never told anyone. I didn't realise anyone else would have experienced it. If I get stuck on the phone and someone is going on and on my head starts to spin and I get an overwhelming urge to slam the phone down on them or shout at them. The last time it happened I was on the phone with my mum and she was going on and on, I had to hold myself back from shouting and my hands started to shake like I wanted to throw the phone handset.

Sorry to hijack, I am just so relieved to see it's not just me.

Can you not just ignore her calls? that is what I do. I then text them to say "sorry, didn't hear phone ringing, did you want something?" and it does tend to avoid long phone convos.

Or I make up an excuse and say goodbye. (Like somebody at the door, cake is burning in the oven, bath is running etc etc).

[RolyPolyRoly]

Oh sorry, ignore my advice, just read your last reply OP.

[Gentle]

RolyPolyRoly You might have issues with the phone, then, like me. I have had to deal with a number of horrific & long-drawn-out things via phone, which partly explains mine, but TBH I've always thought that standing in a room chatting to a piece of plastic on the side of your head is a bit... unnatural.

Thanks for your tips, they are good ones! My advice to you would be - pay attention to what your body is telling you when you're on the phone. If you are shaking, sweating, breathing hard or getting palpitations, then either the caller is pissing you right off or you have a telephone phobia.

Our family dog used to cower and whine whenever anyone used the phone, possibly because to her, it looked like someone rambling madly to themselves. Perhaps I caught mine off her!

[howtotellmum]

Do you really like her?

I do know how you feel, but at the same time, if she IS your friend, would you not expect to chat to her? IS it that she talks about herself all the time, or that she talks and you have a phobia?

I think you need to do 2 things- separate out your phone phobia from your lack of time.

Have you tried CBT for your phobia? Have you seen your GP for a referral?

[RolyPolyRoly]

LOL Gentle, now that you've put it like that, it does sound kind of funny, someone stood there chatting away to a piece of plastic

Mine has only come on very recently, perhaps being brought on by stress? I'm not sure.

[YanknCock]

I don't like talking on the phone either. I can remember being like this since at least age 11, when I had a best friend that wanted to talk on the phone for hours every night. I just found it boring!

I'm sure I seem antisocial and weird, but it honestly does not occur to me to call people. If people call me, I'll chat to them for as long as we both need to catch up, but I'd HATE it if anyone called me more than once a week. My mom calls from the U.S. once a week, and that is ok, but she's only doing it now because I'm pregnant. Before this I think she'd only call once a month or every two months. I'm much more likely to email people or say hello on facebook, when the communication is on my terms IYSWIM. Not sure why I'm like this really!

My trick for getting people off the phone is saying, 'I really need to pee, so I have to let you go now'.