sort of about sex but sort of about relationship in general..........

[blushingm]

dh and i have been together 11 years and married for 4. When we first got together sex was good, it was good when we moved intogether and it was good up until ds was born. Then it was just ok but gradually tailed off. had dd and since then it was pretty much non existent. He finally admitted his willy was sore so went to the doc and was circumcised in February.

I thought the situation would get back to normal and we'd be having regular sex again but it hasn't happened that way. We've had full sex twice and a couple of aborted attempts. I was beginning to feel really unattractive,,,,,, fat and generally horrible. I tried to talk to him this morning but he said ' ewell you never tried and touch me or anything' and that i'm putting him under pressure

i really don't know what to do now or what to say or anything - i'm not a very self confident person and can often take things too personally or not in the way that it was intended.......anyone any advice???

[howtotellmum]

Yet another post about men who won't...

sorry for you

have you read all the posts on the other thread about a DH who won't have sex? Worth a read as much will apply to you.

I suppose the important thing is- was it his sore willy that put him off sex, or has it always been pretty crap since your DC was born?

How old is your DD?

This i repeating so much of what was said to the other poster but it looks as if you have no option but to talk to him- find a time and place when it's quiet, snuggle up and TALK.

Are your sex drives incompatible?
Does he masturbate but not want sex with you?
Does he have alow libido - for any reason?
could he have recetile problems and not want to say?
Is he stressed, depressed, unhealthy?

I think what you mustn't dois think any of this is YOUR fault. It is HIS problem, but it is also your problem.

At the very least he must try to share with you the reasons why.

You have to get to the bottom of- is it a physical problem, or is it emotional?

You migh tlike to go to Relate either together, or on your own, or try www.bacps for an independent therapist.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

He might be feeling anxious because it has been causing him pain?

Feeling under pressure would have to be the biggest turn off EVER, but how to back off when the lack of interest hurts you so deeply? It's hard.

Maybe he doesn't have a high sex drive - not everyone does. Maybe he feels stressed in other areas of his life as this can affect you in the bedroom.

It could be anything! The problem is, until or unless he is willing to be honest and tell you exactly how he's feeling - there's not much you can do.

The 2 things he has said - you don't touch him and you pressure him, those you can work with.

A'sex ban'but more affection? Agree that for a month, say, you will not have sex, it will not happen. Then focus on intimacy without sex - A cuddle on the sofa, a massage, romance...knowing that you are enjoying it for itself, not because it is leading somewhere, iyswim.

[blushingm]

howto - AFAIK he doesn't masturbate (never has)
We could both be more healthy but we don't smoke, he rarely drinks and we eat pretty well
don't mean to sound thick but what is recetile?

DD is 3 next month. Sex was good after DS (he's 7) pretty regular and with orgasm for both.

His willy was v sore - gp referred straight to the surgeon

I don't mean to pressure him - i just drop hints that might possibly be like sledge hammers

He's very affectionate when it comes to hugging and kissing and snuggling up on the sofa and stuff - itt's just when it comes to getting more intimate

[howtotellmum]

sorry typo!

erectile!

Basic questions really- how often would youhave sex if left to him?
How often would youlike it?
How many years have you felt this imbalance?

What do you think about sex therpay for couples?

[heverhoney1]

He is likely to be scared it will still hurt.
Have you tried taking the actual deed of the agenda for a bit but trying to take some time to be a bit more "intimate"? A bit of you time? A bath together, a massage? a nice dinner for 2 and a few glasses of vino? a bit of a teenage fumble? or a goog snog?

[blushingm]

oh howto - i understand now was feeling like there was something i'd missed!!

Erectile problem i suppose is posasible - he seems to get hard and get going but can't seem to finish the job which i don't suppose helps his confidence. I did ask him if he thought he should go to the gp but he said no - i don't meant to pressurise him

we used to be about 4-5 times per week - i'd be happy with once a week

i doubt i'd get him to anysort of therapy

[howtotellmum]

we used to be about 4-5 times per week - i'd be happy with once a week

i doubt i'd get him to anysort of therapy

I think the least he can do is agree to discuss it with you, then seek therapy if things don't get better.

From what you say, he does sound as if he has erectile dysfunction- but it needs something other than a MNs board to sort out whether it is psychological or emotional reasons that re behind it.

[Hawkmoth]

If he's just been circumcised his penis is going to feel VASTLY different to before. Hugely more senstive, to the point of it being frightening.

Maybe he should try masturbation so that he can find out what gives him pleasure now without going over the line into pain/ oversensitisation.

[ABetaDad]

blushingm - if you have not done so already you may want to read the first 2 long posts I made on another thread Here about my own total loss of libido after ill health and how I eventually worked out a way of dealing with it and eventually repairing my sexual relationship with my wife.

Sadly, us blokes are useless at dealing with health problems and especilly ones involving sexual issues. I ignored my health problems for a long time and would have rather died than talk to anyone about my loss of libido. I worked through it though and things are getting better now with a lot of help and understanding from my wife - but your DH has to want to do something about it as well because it is not all down to your sort out.

[I hope you and other readers will not mind me just posting the link rather than making another long post about it]

[blushingm]

Beta dad - thanks ever so much your post and he other 2 aswell. It's so good to have you be so honest about something so personal

we have had a good chat this evening and will hopefully see how things go

he says he knows i'm worrying as it's obvious i'm worrying and so therefore not exactly ready for action either