PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[busymum1]

I have been with my partner for 8 years next week she has never hit me or anything like that but she has criticsed me etc for at least 7 years. I do not know what to do (She is like the little girl in the nursery rhyme when she was good she was very very good but when she was bad she was horrid). Whenever we argue it's over housework however she becomes personal and picks on all my weaknesse. We have two children and whilst I try to keep the house tidy it is never immaculate and sometimes things get on top of me. She had a mental health breakdown after the birth of our son 2 half years ago due to pressure at work etc so I have been alot more lenient than I probably would have been normally. She spends most of the day in bed, does not contribute financially to the household and spends in excess of £100 on cannabis a week.
A huge part of me is telling me to leave her however our children have only ever known life with us, and would be devastated another problem is my family are not very supportive and due to her dominance re anyone coming to the house its I hate because *** I have very few friends

[beanieb]

Does she do anything else but smoke Cannabis!? That's rather a lot to be smoking!

Is there any way you can limit the money she has for this habit?

You have my sympathies but it is likely unless she makes a decision to stop wasting her life then she will just continue to behave like this.

[busymum1]

no can't control her money she gets £210 a week paid into her own bank most if not all gets spent on this I have to do everything for me and the kids on £194 a week which includes food bills etc she now works 15 hours a week so gets up goes to work for 1 half hours sleeps or smokes for 5 hours another 1 half work then lounge around house til she tired

[onebatmother]

That is a lot of dope, and 2.5 years is a long time since her breakdown.

I'm guessing re her 'dominance', but it sounds as though she is being controlling at best, and abusive at worst. People like this are hard to leave, as their behaviour changes according to what they think they can get away with.

But you want to leave, don't you? And this is probably not the relationship that you would like your children to be learning from, for their own futures?

[busymum1]

problem is i can't leave cos i in housing association property and tenancy only in my name so if i leave i am screwed she refuses to leave

[onebatmother]

Okay. You need to talk to the HA asap. Explain that you want her to leave but that she is refusing to do so.

I don't know what the legal terminology is, but do you both have joint responsibility for the dc's? I would think that would be important.

The HA will have specific policies relating to this, where one partner's name is on the tenancy, there are children, and the other partner is refusing to leave.

You've got to get her out, I think. Just need to find out how.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

If the tenancy is in your name I'm sure that if you contact the HA they will be able to help. You would be within your rights to change the locks (probably - check with the HA) when she's out as an extreme measure. £100 a week is roughly 0.5 - 1oz of dope a week, incredible. I'm not surprised her mental health is poor. She seems to be abusing you financially and emotionally, maybe you should try women's aid for advice.

[busymum1]

no offered to get her parental responsibility or have civil ceremony so she gained it but as with everything she could not be bothered

[motherlovebone]

well, you are holding all the cards then. as previous have said, contact HA and womans aid, there will be bags of advice and support there.
its not going to get better/change unless you do it.

[busymum1]

thank you thought it was probably end of road but there you go that's life will ring ha and woman's aid also a local charity who help in gay relationship breakdowns tomorrow my sister works in refuge so will probably have some advice to

[onebatmother]

Good Luck BM1. Well done for coming to a decision - I'm sure there is more happiness for you around the corner.

[busymum1]

thank you onebatmother