What would you do?

[reikimarie]

I was wondering what you all thought to my situation. I would be most grateful for any views.

I feel messed up as I don't have close relatives. I just don't. My parents are both dead and I have no siblings. I have a lot of cousins but I am just not close to them. None of them are especially interested in getting close, most of them are like strangers, apart from one who is lovely. I speak to her sometimes over the 'phone and see her once a year. Then there is an aunt I used to ring and see occasionally (I don't live near them as I hate living in Suffolk where they mostly all are). However she is too old now and gets very crotchety so I don't talk to her much these days now as I feel worse from it as she makes silly comments.

As I say I feel very messed up by this. Friendships just don't fill the void. I keep thinking finding a relationship will help. I have lived with 4 men over the years and am currently 45 and have a 4 year old. Whereas I think it would most definitely help to have a happy relationship what do I do about feeling messed up about having no family. Of course I do have my lovely boy but I support him i.e. he can hardly support me, if you see what I mean!

The only person I have to turn to is my ex, I am sick of depending on my ex if I am feeling very unhappy. Friends don't understand as they all have relatives/enough people in their lives.

What do I do to improve my wellbeing? I have had counselling over the break-up with my ex, which was 4 years ago, I don't see how more counselling would help.

Has anybody got any advice?

Thanks in anticipation!

[CakeandFineWine]

mmm tricky one!

I empathise with you tho!
I think the void you experience per se is impossible to fill one the one hand, however you have created your own family so in time you WILL have a family!

I think couselling may help, cruse are particularly good foe berevement issues:

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

Or anyone can go to Relate about any relationship issues; even family ones

You don't say how your relationship with your parents was, if it was good, try to focus on this.
Some people have parents but they just don't care, hopefully you had loving parents who gave you good memories xx

[busymum1]

where in country are you?

[howtotellmum]

This may seem an obvious answer, but do you work? Do you have friends?

What are you feeling unhappy about when you turn to your ex?

[hatesponge]

Am not sure I have any useful advice but wanted to say I understand very much how you feel- I am an only child, both my parents died some years ago - am not close to my extended family, tend to see them every few years for weddings, funerals etc but not really in between times.

I have lots of friends, some close, but I dont think you can ever replace your parents, I have felt for years that no-one knows me, and cares for me, in the way they did, and that was just the way it was. But i do know as my DC grow older, I will then have a family with them as my parents did with me iyswim. in many ways that keeps me going

My DC's dad is a shit, I never felt he understood me, or reliant on him thankfully - mainly because he was so useless and unreliable however I did meet someone last year I fell totally head over heels for because he wanted to look after me, and support me, be there for me etc, all of which were things I hadnt had since losing my parents...it ended for various reasons but has made me realise how much I missed my parents. and always will.

[purpleduck]

Hmmm
Can you make some friends at your ds's school.

Maybe quality rather than quantity is what you need.
Do you invest in your friendships? Or do you wait for others to make the first move/seem interested etc.
Are you a good friend? It sounds silly, but you know the saying "to have a friend you have to be a friend"...

Maybe thats something you can work on a bit at a time...?

Good luck

[busymum1]

contact me and maybe we can get to know each other etc

[reikimarie]

Thanks so much for the replies thus far. Yes I do work, everybody belongs to Derby where I work, this enhances my lack of belonging to anyone or any place, apart from belonging to my son of course. It is just not enough.

Yes the relationship with my mum was good but my dad's wasn't although he wasn't abusive or anything.

When I call my ex it is when I am feeling lonely and fancy a chat. He doesn't drain me unlike some of the friendships I have had.

I live in between Derby and Nottingham. It doesn't help that I desperately miss living in London at the moment and can't afford to move back! I left there one year ago after 23 years living there.

I am open to having friends anywhere in the country though but it would be more practical to have friends nearby too. Everybody in the midlands appears happily hooked up with their immediate families. I am not used to living in the provinces!

I will email you busymum no problem.

Friends have no idea how I feel all the time it is like feeling a bit like I grew up in care the fact I have no immediate relatives. Of course the theory is once I am in a settled relationship again I won't feel so gut wrenchingly alone. I fill my spare time with keeping up with news, listening to the radio, reading, playing piano. I sometimes go out to a single parents website events. I do have three nearby friends.

I think I might be having an extra lonely phase at the moment to do with my colleagues all coming from Derby. I am the only one at work from the south of England let alone London!

Any further thoughts most welcome. Thanks everybody.

I can be a good friend but cannot invest endless hours over the 'phone to people. People have no idea how little time we get to have a clear head as a single parent. I just don't have the time to spare. Of course many married/cohabiting people could echo this.

Thanks again to anybody who wishes to give their views.

[dizietsma]

I don't have much time to reply OP, but have you listened to the Eels?

Lead singer is in a similar position to you, he writes beautiful songs about it.

Mr. E

Song about spending time with his sister before she committed suicide

I find music to be a great healer.

[reikimarie]

It's a very beautiful song dizietsma thanks for that!

[howtotellmum]

I think a change of location can be very difficult.
I did what you have done but in reverse- moved from the provinces- where everyone lived 2 streets away from their mums- to London.

I think you know that whatever friends you make, you will never replace your blood relatives. Maybe it would help to understand that all of us lose our parents at some point- but some before others? (I know my mother still feels like you, having lost all her family, some from a very young age, and she is in her 80s). Nothing can replace them.

The only "advice" I can give you is to suggest that you throw yourself into your new life in the area as much as possible. You might meet some friends who do not "drain you" and eventually begin to feel more at home.

If you don't feel that the Midlands is right for you, what would you need to do to go back to London? Is that a possibility? And I suppose I am wondering why you are in the Midlands anyway- was it for your ex's work, or yours?

[reikimarie]

Hi there howto I moved out of London as I thought it would be a better life for my son. I moved to the midlands as my ex is nearby and Joshua needs to see him etc. I managed to get part-time work in what I do (housing) - you just can't get part-time work easily in London in my field.

I hate living in the provinces. It is just so backward. However it might be part of the adjustment! To go through a hating phase I mean. The point is the people round here just do not interest me. They are too boring for words. However my colleagues are better.

I can't afford to move back to London but wish I could. At least I didn't feel quite so bereft without relatives down there like I do now. I don't think it suits me here at all.

I would be very happy for any feedback from anybody!

[howtotellmum]

Hi reikiM- I see youa s having a few options:

Making an enormous effort to build a new life up north, and accpetin the people for who they are - not always comapring with London people.

Really thinking about your options re. moving back- such as - living on the outskirts of LOndon, house sharing, having a lodger, working fulltime etc etc. None might be ideal, but neither is Derby.

How much does London matter that you would sacrifice something else?

Did you move because you wanted to work p/t and could not afford to do so and live in London?

was this the right decision? is it reversible?

Unless you canchange your mind set andreally accpet that the provinces are different, then I can see any other options apart from moving back to London-or maybe another big city where housing is cheaper.

any thoughts on that?

[duke748]

Hi, I just wanted you to know that I am in a similar situation. I am an only child and have not spoken to either of my parents for years due to violence/abuse. I do not have happy memories.

I often feel very alone at times like Christmas wen my buddies go home to families, even when they come back with stories of how grandma made snide comments about their husband or whatever. I spent last Christmas by myself and although I had my favourite food and didn't have to argue about what to watch on TV, it was incredibly lonely.

However, I generally feel OK about the family situation. I spend a lot of time keeping up relationships with friends and am lucky enough to have lots of lovely people near me. I can pick them, whereas, as they say, you can't pick your family!

It makes me when friends talk down to their Mum's or take advantage, as I often wish I had a Mum who was half way decent and find it hard to shut up when someone is rude to their perfectly lovely one!

I too am a Southerner now living up North. I had a stage where I hated everything about it too, but I now love it and wouldn't ever move back daaaawn souf! I think you have got to learn to accept the bad and embrace the good.

You say that you don't have much time to invest in friends - but if you had family you'd still have to invest the same amount of time on the phone etc? What might be more productive is to 'use' your ex in a different way. Perhaps ask him to look after little one a bit more, so you do have time to get out and meet people, or just have a night in with some popcorn and the phone for company!

Whatever you decide to do, I think you know you need to make small changes to your attitude and or actions and then things will slowly change for you! Good luck, and remember there seem to be a few of us Mumsnetters with little or no family too - so you are not alone in that sense!

[reikimarie]

Thanks duke for your views and for sharing your difficult life experiences and thanks again to everybody else.

It is impossible to go back to London as I can't afford it nor do I wish to face full-time work and tubes/endless commute/more stressful jobs etc., pollution etc.

I think I will learn in time to get over the 'in your face family culture' that seems to pervade outside London!

Apologies to everybody who lives in the provinces, I am sure you are all fine people! I just am not used to it that is all.

Thanks again to one and all!

[reikimarie]

Anyway I am sure once I am in a happy relationship with a nice man in my life things won't seem so bleak family-wise and who knows maybe his family will be tolerable!!

I think having found these past few years very hard after my mum died I will be more willing to make concessions in a relationship and not be so intolerant. I used to expect perfection!!

[howtotellmum]

I know this might seem the obvious thing to say, but I do think that when you are more settled, you will discover that many people in your area are not much different to Londoners.

When I moved south, I couldn't understand how people were so different from northerners. Or so I thought. But after a few years, I realised they were not different underneath- it was just that they were often busier, commuting more, etc etc. I now have lots of great friends who have migrated south from all corners of the UK- so you might meet up with some fellow southerners, if there are any lurking around, and feel more settled.

[reikimarie]

You might have a point on that howto, thanks for that! I hope I don't sound like London people are more superior or something either, far from it in many instances - it is just totally different in the provinces where people live near families, I feel left out, it is just something I will have to learn to overlook I guess!

I really hope I haven't offended any northerners, I find their straightforwardness preferable to some people who display southern snobbery any day of the week!

Cheers everybody!

[junglist1]

I can relate to you in a way, I'm not particularly close to my parents or brother, my partner is a twat, I have mates but sometimes you find out they are not what you thought they were. It helps that I love my own company. I'd say have hope, of course you'll meet someone to share your life with ( I hope he's handsome, kind and has loadsa money!!)
You'll find yourself making more friends, I agree with the lady who said quality is more important than the amount of friends. Life and feelings don't stay the same, in a few months you might read this thread again and feel completely different.

[CakeandFineWine]

Hi again!
OK Reikimarie your situation makes a bit more sense now!
I live in Stafford and we moved here 4 years ago from B'ham!
I hear you living in the sticks is a MASSIVE change to us city folks and it takes AGES to settle in, but generally it gets better.
I still only have about 4 friends here but quality not quantity!
A year is no time at all give it a bit longer and see how you feel!