Worried about the health of DP and DSD

[Favorina]

I have not been living with DP and his daughter long but have always been concerned about his daughter who is 11. She eats far more than I personally think she should and is overweight. What worries me more is that DP once became so obese that he needed surgery to lose weight. He lost all the weight but only because he had to and he still doesn't eat properly, he just eats as much as he can of bad stuff.

I thought he was doing really well with his diet as he was losing so much weight but the first night I stayed over there I was pretty shocked at what him and his DD eat. Bacon sarnies every morning, packs of 10 donuts, chocolate cakes, DSD munchies on chocolate every night when she's in bed.

She doesn't do much exercise, has a free pass for the gym but never goes, same with DP.

Last night I was really annoyed as I'd started a conversation about changes I'd like to make to all of our diets (including me and DS). We all agreed on it, no strict diet, just cutting out some of the crap and switching to healthier meals with the odd treat. She seemed really excited about it.

So last night before I went out I made salmon and cous cous (which she excitedly helped me make) with lemon and we made some fruit smoothies for afterwards. Everyone commented on how nice the meal was (I let her take all the credit lol) and I went out feeling really pleased with myself.

Then I came home a few hours later and the house stunk of curry. Turns out she had started moaning as soon as I went out that she was hungry so DP had given in and ordered Indian takeaway. She ate 2 popodoms, most of the pickle sauces, a full chicken korma with rice and half of her dad's korma (as he is still restricted on what he can eat) and she put some of DS's korma in a dish and put it in the fridge so she could eat it today.

I said to DP "Do you have any idea how many calories are in a korma?" and he said "well I'm sorry but I'm not going to make her starve".

If she wasn't so used to eating huge portions of food she wouldn't feel hungry after a normal meal.

If it was just him he was hurting fair enough but its his DD now too and from a personal point of view, I'm getting extremely pissed off that DS is starting to eat like them too.

What would you do?

[pginthecloset]

I feel for you (and your dsd). However you will not achieve anything until you and your DP are completely on the same side about this.

It's terrible that even having had surgery for obesity himself, he is not facing up to what could happen to his daughter.

He sounds like he needs serious education about nutrition. Would he consider going to your GP for advice as a starting point?

[Peachy]

Well no YANBU to be worried about the situation.

I think it's a multifaceted approach you need though.

First, the issue is with dp not dsd; he is the adult here. She is simply living as he allows her to, at an age too young to truly undersdtand long term implications.

So he needs to 'get' the risks associated and you can't, unfortuantely, force him.

however, tackle the complaint areas: fuill the house with healthier alternatives: I'm not meaning puritanical unappetising stuff that sadly she probably doesn't have a taste for, but mid way things.... snack a jacks type rice cakes, home made popcorn, that sort of thing.

Accept that she has a big appetitie as well: I do but when I am losing weight I don't reduce amounts at all- I just fill my plate with lots of good things; brown rice, salad, veg. If she feels hungry she is far mroe likely to plead to Dad after all.

Sounds like you are doinga good job, but try to hit a midway: if she eats a really healthy meal such as the salmon maybe allow a dessert for a while that is unhealthy, changing by stealth to something you feel is better for her... it's a long term goal you're after, not short term miracles.

But absolutely, I'd be worried also.

[LuluisgoingtobeanAunty]

so your DP had bariatric surgery, but is still eating junk and incapable of giving his daughter a healthy balanced diet?did he have any counselling or nutrition support with his surgery?

is he still obese?

such a shame you are being undermined.

DP needs to stop equating loving and treating and nurturing his daughter with letting her eat what she wants and undoing your good efforts

nothing wrong with a take out curry now and again, but not after dinner has already been eaten!