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Would it be emotional insanity to see my Dad?

12 replies

fridaydilemma · 15/04/2009 09:52

In a nutshell:

Estranged from Dad for 25 years ish. Left for another woman when I was 6, got married, we had contact for a few years, he had new children, decided not to see us any more.

Since then contact has been minimal. Birthday and Christmas presents eventually petered out, every so often I'd try to get in touch but his non-interest just ended up in me being upset.

Also, making things worse, my Mum had married again, to a horrible, violent, controlling "man", who once told me I had to give one of my Dad's last birthday gifts back to him as "we don't want his effing charity". I didn't give it back, but after that we didn't see Dad at all, not quite sure if something happened that I didn't know about, only being 12ish at the time. We ended up having to go into a safe house to get away from XSF, tried to get in contact with Dad, he came round once, again, not interested.

Have seen him on and off since then, at intervals of about five years. It's awkward and uncomfortable.

"New kids" have since found me on FB.

I now have a 14 week old DD. In a moment of madness, I sent him some photos and a letter telling him about her birth. Didn't tell DP this, knew he would think I was crazy. No response from Dad.

Had a strop, deleted half-siblings off FB.

Cue phone call from Dad, asking if he'd upset me and asking if he could see DD on Friday.

I was so shocked I said yes.

Now I really don't know if I want to see him. DP is fuming, saying "I don't want DD meeting him, I certainly don't want him to hold her. I think you should tell him to eff off." Ultimately though, he says he'll support me what ever I decide to do, but says he thinks it'll have implications on my psychological welfare to see him.

I'm not as hard as DP though, and all I've ever wanted my Dad to do is pick up the phone and take an interest. Seriously. No matter how much he's upset me in the past, all I've wanted was for him to treat me the same as my HB and HSs.

But I think I probably will get upset - not quite sure what to do.

This probably makes no sense, sorry

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mankymummy · 15/04/2009 09:56

sorry maybe i didnt read that correctly but what did your dad actually do other than be disinterested (im not underestimating the hurt that may have caused by the way)?

why is your DP so adamant that he cant see his grandchild and hold her?

i saw my mum after 21 years of not seeing her after she abandoned us (and other stuff she did), i thought it would be traumatic but actually i was fine about it. a bit sad that she'd wasted her life. but im glad i did it, at least i have put demons to rest if she dies.

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castlesintheair · 15/04/2009 10:03

The arrival of your DD could well be an opportunity to start afresh. However, it sound's to me like you are expecting something from your father that you may never get. In which case you will always feel hurt and disappointed. Sadly you cannot change your father but you can change how you react and feel. I sense your DH is aware of this and is seeking to protect you.

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fridaydilemma · 15/04/2009 10:04

Nothing, apart from not seeing us. Even though he only lived in the next town. My Mum struggled for years with the fact that we lived in a council house while he lived in a sprawling detached house and drove around in posh cars. However, she never hid from us how much she hated him, and always let us know what a "bad man" he was.

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FioFio · 15/04/2009 10:05

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fridaydilemma · 15/04/2009 10:08

Not really Fio - probably would be a good idea but in the short term I need to sort this out in my head quite quickly - as he's due to turn up the day after tomorrow....!

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RaspberryBlower · 15/04/2009 10:08

We are in the same position with dh's dad.

I think dh realises that his dad will never be a father to him or a grandfather in the way that my dad is.

My BIL refuses to have anything to do with their dad and didn't even tell him about birth of his dc.

However, we have taken the view that we can't deny dd any sort of relationship with him, even if that is only a minimal one.

We will never allow him too close, though.

You have to protect yourself and realise that you'll probably never get what you want from him. If you can't do this then proceed with caution.

Why does your dp feel so strongly?

I tend to think it's more my dh's call about this, and so I also think it's yours and your dp should be a bit more understanding of you.

Good luck - I know what an emotional rollercoaster it must be for you having seen dh over the years.

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FioFio · 15/04/2009 10:08

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ActingNormal · 16/04/2009 17:34

I can completely understand why you would have an urge to want to see him. You don't really know him but he is your father and if it was me the curiosity about what he is like would drive me mad and the need to know what really happened when he left and after.

I felt the irresistable urge to meet my birth parents who gave me up for adoption even though I knew I might get messed up by what I found, and I did get messed up. I don't regret it though, I had to know.

However much you think you don't have expectations of how meeting up with him will be, you must have an image of how you imagine it in your head. My reality didn't match up to my expectations and it may or may not be the same for you. You need to prepare yourself for this.

Despite the risk that it might not turn out the way you want I think if you don't do it you will always be thinking about doing it and feeling 'unfinished business'.

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howtotellmum · 16/04/2009 18:19

I think it is dangerous for children to get involved in their parents' break up- and that they judge one parent because they left the other. I know you are not a child now, but you see what I mean?

Your dad may have felt that minimal contact with you then was his way of coping. Your mum may even have subtly denied him access- I know of some families where one parent "poisons" the children so that they do not want to see the other parent. There may well have been lots more going on between him, your Mum and your step dad than you knew at the time.

Everyone deserves a 2nd chance. If you have no reconciliation with your dad, how would you feel when you were 80, or when he dies? Will it matter?

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ridingjoker · 16/04/2009 19:49

friday - i think you need to do this to atisfy your wonderings. but see how the meeting goes. and them give yourselve a day or 2 to think about wether you want to bring your father back into your life. it's not just your life that what encur an emotional upheaval.

i've been here. all other relatives end up involved in some sense. either through voicing their opinions or wanting to be involved again also.

good luck for the meeting.

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reikimarie · 16/04/2009 20:33

I think you should try and meet up and make the best of whatever you get from your dad.

It may be he now has regrets and things can be salvaged a bit. On the other hand it may not work out at all. However if you don't give it a try you will never know. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but maybe think of getting counselling if it gets heavy?

HTH.