partner spat in my face and called me a c**t

[missylea]

Hi first time on mumsnet but needed some support and advice on staying strong for myself and my children.
I have 2 children from previous marriage and met which i thought was a wonderful guy and had whirlwind romance and fell pregnant 3 months into the relationship.
He was not emotionally supportive towards me during the pregnancy as i suffered pre natal depression and he just couldnt understand why i was depressed.
To cut a long story short we have been on and off now for months and at xmas eve we had argument and he came and kicked my front door and said he was taking our baby. I rang the police and had him arrested. From xmas eve we havent really been back on but he had said that he wants things to work but he is the most grumpest and moodest person i know and he actually brings my mood down where i have to take diazapan when im in his company most of the time.
The other day we had family outing which is rare as doesnt treat my other 2 children fairly so again atmosphere. He came back to my home and started arguing in front of my children. I started arguing back with him and he spat in my face and called me a c**t. I was so shocked and disapointed i locked myself in toilet so children wouldnt see me cry.As this is the second time around for me I really wanted this to work but he is so threatening with the things that he says. He makes me feel horrible as he says i have 2 children with my ex husband and now one with him as he knows i never wanted this to happen again. I told him i never wanted to speak to him ever again as this was the most disgusting and disrespectful thing you can do on someone!
Please just looking for some support and words of wisdom about starting living on my own again with my children. I have already been through a divorce and i am lucky i have my own home so dont need to worry about findind somewhere else to live and uproot my children.

[missingtheaction]

What a horrible horrible man. How lovely for you to be on your own again with your children and to be able to keep them away from the influence of such a dreadful man. Now you can teach them all about self-respect and independence and be a happy strong family.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Oh you poor thing

Where is he at the moment?

[missylea]

he is staying with family as he has been for the last few months as we have been on and off. He said that i push and push him and i got off mildly. I cant believe this as he himself was brought up in this kind of atmosphere and said he would never be like that but he refuses to except that his past has affected him in any way. This guy has a very professional job which you would need patience and understanding in and then he is like this. He is like this with his family too but they just except the way he is and he gets away with it. Thanks for your replies

[JackBauerKilledTheEasterBunny]

How horrible for you. I think you sound upset but as if you have made your mind up, which is great. It can only get better for you from now on.
NO real advice but I wish you well, your kids will thank you for taking this decision

[Jackstini]

www.refuge.org.uk/contactUs.html
Contact refuge asap (link above) and get out - what a horrible man, no-one deserves that kind of treatment.
You will find lots of support on here - wishing you luck.

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

Yup, stay away from him, he's a wanker. He thinks that he's entitled to abuse you because he is a Man and you are only a woman and therefore you must obey him or be punished. Men like this don't change.
Well done for not taking him back, life will be much nicer without him.

[mrsboogie]

Personally, for me, spitting in someone's face and calling them a cunt is as bad as punching them in the face. It is THE most disrespectful thing he could think of doing to you. That is how much respect he has for you, for his child and for himself.

You know that he is like this because he was brought up in this type of environment and if he is around when your children are growing up they will be similarly affected.

You are right to kick him out just do not fall for any sob stories - and the fact that he said you "got off lightly" what the fuck? what did you do? who is he to punish you?

You are very fortunate in that you have your own home as many women in your position find themselves stuck where they are because they think they have nowhere to go.

Take time to get your head sorted out and when you meet another man you make sure he is a good 'un before you get in too deep.

[thumbwitch]

for you that you have a permanent link with this outright loser.
Make sure you never fall for his crap again - he is not worth it and he has zero respect for you.

Supervised visits with his DC are the way forward if you are scared to be alone with him - he sounds like a lunatic.

Give yourself a break from relationships until you have regained a sense of who you are and your own self-worth - and then you are less likely to be picked on by controlling bullies like this wanker.

[Tortington]

thumbwitch has it spot on. well done you for being so brave

[missylea]

thank you for all your replies and support i will continue to read all these whenever i have a moment of weakness
I have never stood for his crap and thats why we have been on and off for a long time.
He always has an answer for everything if i have an issue with him and is able to twist it round as if it is my fault.
I have pnd after the baby and there was no sympathy or support there from him whatsoever. He said taking the baby for a few hours was him supporting me so i could get some sleep.
He said im living in a dream world if i think he could ever treat my children the way his treats our baby!
I know in my heart he is a very very selfish man and a control freak and have often told him that but says that i just open my mouth to much and have too much to say that im aggressive!
This has been the only man i have been really really physically attracted to as he is good looking but have realised he is ugly on the inside and can never see him changing.

[thumbwitch]

missylea - I hope you know it all over you that this man is a controlling, bullying, selfish moron. DON'T listen to anything he says - he is only saying it to put you down and make you feel bad. IGNORE him - he is pathetic.

[twinmam]

I just wanted to reiterate what everyone else on here is saying: you did not deserve to be treated in this way. I am completely outraged for you. Well done and please stay strong for yourself and your children because you all deserve the respect and love that someone like him will never be able to give you. Please contact Refuge as suggested for more support and if you feel him trying to wear you down then come here and get the support to tell the nasty little bully where to go.

[missylea]

I know he is a very intelligent man though which scares me. He is very manipulative too. He is used to YES girls and i told him i would never be a YES girl! I have been through too much crap in the past for that and that what hes says my problem is that i take things out on him that happened in my past relationship and i dont let him anyway with anything and im always nit picking at him.

[twinmam]

You have spotted these things, eg how manipulative he is - you have him worked out and therefore you will be able to spot when he is trying to do it. I am certain Refuge will be able to help you with techniques for ensuring he doesn't get under your skin. IMO the best way to ensure he can't twist your words is to use as few as possible on him. Just don't engage. I am sure he is intelligent but I am also sure that so are you.

[missylea]

thank you twinmam

[twinmam]

You won't be able to and nor should you justify any of your actions to someone who would treat anybody in such a despicable manner. It has made my skin crawl - how dare he. There is no point reasoning with him because he is fundamentally unreasonable.

[foxytocin]

"he is staying with family as he has been for the last few months as we have been on and off. He said that i push and push him and i got off mildly."



do everything you can to keep this man out of your and your children's lives.

the rest of your post tells that he bullies his family into acquiescing to his behaviour and spitting in your face etc is his way of looking for what will bring you into submission.

[kidcreoleandthecoconuts]

Missylea - Please stay strong and don't let this vile man worm his way back into your life.
A few years ago I had a relationship with a man that sounds very similar to your ex.
I was head over heels in love with him...and even though I knew he was a manipulative, violent bully I still loved him.
After reading your posts I was thinking about some of the things he did to me when we were together......

He threw a cup of cold tea in my face.
He poured a bottle of beer over my head in a pub.
He pushed me out of my chair and I landed on the floor and banged my head....this was in a packed beer garden in front of friends.
He attacked me in the street....a taxi driver took pity on me and took me home and waived the fare.
He pushed me over a wall, I fell...banged my head...I was found and taken to my friends house by the police.
He accused me of giving him crabs...I hadnt, I didnt have them....I never did find out where he got them.
He left me on my birthday.....unfortunately he came back briefly!

I finally saw the back of him when I started a relationship with DP and became pregnant with DS.....he went mad and bombarded my mobile with vile messages.
Recently he tried to contact me through facebook.

I know your ex isnt violent like my ex but the spitting in the face thing just reminds me of him.
You're honestly better off without him. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
Be strong!

[BecauseImWorthIt]

Are you living in your own home or do you own/rent it together? Hopefully it's yours, and therefore it's much easier to exclude him/get rid of him.

[mrsboogie]

if you ever feel tempted by his good looks just remind yourself of the look on his face when he spat at you and called you a cunt - that should put you off him for life!

[muffle]

He has threatened to take your baby, and he has said you "got off lightly" which is another threat. Make sure you document these things with the police and if possible make sure he cannot have unsupervised access to the baby. In fact I would talk to the police about a panic button and/or an injunction. He sounds dangerous, I'm not trying to frighten you but you need to end this once and for all, as you know, and he will probably be extremely resentful.

Good luck - you know you will be happier without this man. What's to be tempted back by?

[missylea]

No i own my own home which i worked hard and bought it out of my divorce settlement.
He always says things like when i walk into a club i have a presence and i know girls will wanna go with me but he says he has never wanted a relationship as much as this one.
He tells me that 90% of men are all the same when it comes to women if its offered to them they will cheat behind their gf backs. Which to be fair i have seen and met alot of assholes like that whenever i am out and had my eyes opened.
He tells me that i dont appreciate what i have with him and that he could give me a good life.

[muffle]

But he can say what he likes. Spitting at you, threatening you, treating your other DC badly, being unsupportive about PND - this is unacceptable behaviour, full stop. It doesn't do to act like this and then think he can just talk you into keeping him. Why the hell should you? What's to "appreciate"? Forget the fact that he's good-looking and has a "presence" that attracts other women - that doesn't make him worth more, it actually makes him less of a keeper, because he'll think he can hold that over you to keep you in line, and he'll be more likely to cheat anyway. And just because he tells you you don't know how lucky you are to have his nasty, hurtful, abusive self on your hands, doesn't mean he's right. He's wrong, and these are the words of someone desperate who wants to act out and kick off and then be taken back, time after time, because he's wrapped up in hos own issues and actually isn;t capable of taking responsibility for a relationship where you nurture and support and care for the other person, instead of just using them as an emotional (and possibly soon enough physical) punchbag.

There is a lot to be said for a nice, kind, funny, sweet man who does not look like a catalogue model or a rock star and who thinks he is bloody lucky to have you. That should be the man of your dreams and trust me when that man comes along you will fancy him anyway.