how do you handle a teacher style converstion with your mil

[bigboydiditandranaway]

Mil is very difficult basically, when you're having a conversation she actually treats you like you've just interupted her lesson at school(she is a teacher, but a very controlling one)she repeats what you have said and carries on with her conversation plan, sort of dismissing you.

When you're talking about something she'll interupt you, change the subject anything to get the attention back on her.

Usually i either sit there trying to calm my anger or just nod or i did talk over her recently

What would you do?

[ingles2]

Difficult.... Do you get on with her generally? what does your dh think?

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

Mine does this. I'm planning on emigrating to Tuscany in a couple of years time. I've had enough! I just ignore her or say 'yes' and change the subject.

[bigboydiditandranaway]

I have found her & fil difficult to get along with for a long time, dh agrees with me, they are very obsessed with themselves.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Be straight with her. Tell her what she does and the effect it has. Then say you're sure she doesn't intend to hurt (or whatever effect you've said it has) but that it does have that effect anyway, and that it would benefit your relationship so much more if she would stop doing it.

Do her kids put up with it? Even if they do, you don't have to. My ex-teacher MIL is controlling in a different way and I made the mistake of not standing up for myself early on but following my DH's family's lead. Now, 10 years on I've decided not to play her games, but I think it's harder (though not impossible) when you've already set a precedent.

[MrsMerryHenry]

Btw she probably won't change but I think it's important to show people that you know what 'game' they're playing.

[piscesmoon]

I agree with MMH-and she might even change-I bet she has no idea that she does it.

[ingles2]

well in that case, be straight with her.
Next time she does it, interrupt and say, I'm sure you don't mean to speak to me like I'm one of your pupils,...now....As I was saying

[squilly]

Mine's not a teacher, but does this kind of thing. She talks over you, never listens and speaks to you like you're a child 9 times out of 10.

I have recently had my final disagreement with the woman and now DH deals with her exclusively.

It's not an easy situation and will undoubtedly lead to a build up in resentment. It's a hard situation some wives are placed in. We love our husbands, but aren't at all fond of their mothers. They made them the people they are, yet often, they have such conflicting values and behaviours it defies reason.

I don't know what to suggest.

My DH ignores his mum. I can't do that...she's not my mother. However, after a number of disagreements - she called DD Monkey legs and laughed at her hairy legs....against my better judgement, I forgave her and tried again...last Sunday dd went to a sleepover at nanny's. I'd rung to extend the playdate, to tell nanny she could keep dd for tea. MIL gleefully announced dd had had chocolate pancakes for her tea the previous night (after I'd specifically asked her not to feed dd any more crap as she'd had tons of chocolate before going to nanny's). I expressed my annoyance about this and MIL got defensive. Very defensive. In the meantime, DD realises it's me on the phone and starts fake crying and saying she wants to come home. I tried to talk her into staying, but couldn't, so told MIL I'd be over to pick her up. MIL aggressively tells me it's my fault dd is upset, I shouldn't have rung! DH had to go pick her up early as I was just about ready to kill her.

Sorry for the tirade. But MIL's don't change their spots. I try, every now and again, to be the reasonable DIL and involve MIL in our lives (I hate the fact my mum isn't nearer and really want her involved) and then I remember that she's an insane old bitch.

Try to sort out a way of dealing with her and get your DH/DP's help if you can. Good luck in dealing with this one...

[bigboydiditandranaway]

mrs merry that sounds very positive but they really don't take kindly to being told anything like that.

My sis asked her dh to tell them she was upset by their rudeness at fil not introducing her and her dad to one of the chief fireman at her dh's firemans passing out parade, introduced three other family members. They sent a snotty letter back to them and basically made a big deal out of something which a simple appology could of eased the situation. They also commented on how other family there didn't see it as a problem to segreate her more.

[FluffyBunnyGoneBad]

this is about my mil!

[MrsMerryHenry]

Hmm. They're wide open to criticism, I see! In that case maybe ingles's approach might be more suitable.

[bigboydiditandranaway]

Thanks for your messages, still don't know what to do, in some ways i'm wondering whether to just leave it and accept that way she is and hopefully now we're seeing them slightly less than before, i will feel better and more able to cope with them!!

[Greatfun]

If you say anything it will rock the boat. Are you prepared for all the consequences of that whatever they may be? If not, keep quiet, smile and nod and keep conversations to a minimum. Thats what I would do anyway.