How to get friends?

[lampwick]

Hi long term lurker first time poster, wanted to post for a while but just felt too pathetic.
Have 4 kids two of each two at primary, one at nursery and one baby, ages ranging from 1 to 9. I work 4 days a week and live in a really lovely part of the country in a good safe area where kids can play down the woods and play out till the street lights come on, from a working class background so still sound very local but have a degree which i am very proud of and have a good professional job.
so far so good but i'm so damn lonely as I have no friends. Always been an issue but i mostly enjoy own company and love reading so get by. However its when i see all the other mums around here getting on, making friends, walking to school, visiting each other for coffee that I just feel really sad.
lot of these other mums i know their face from baby groups, tumble tots, school over the years but have never managed to click. I then see these mums get on with other mums in the area and I'm like what was so wrong with me? Is really quite soul destroying to see them all walk to school and hang about having conversations and making arrangemennts whilst i just get a hello. How can i turn this round and be likeable? lots of the threads on this subject say wait till your kids are at school then you'll make friends but I'm well past that point. I'm not good at small talk but think i'm ok at one to ones, but everyone seems to have their friends and not need another. My dh works nights which does not help the loneliness as i have not been out in over 5 years, family are half an hour away but not any help and my life is work, look after children and no sign of release for me. Sorry for this sounding so pathetic but it does get me down, on the plus side my children are very popular and confident, just their parents don't seem to go beyond the plesantries

[cherryblossoms]

I'm sure you're likeable.

I've been on mn less than a year and there are many, many posts like yours. This confirms my RL experience that this loneliness is a common experience.

You work 4 days a week, that cuts down your getting-to-know other mothers time. your probably about 3 years behind those other mothers in terms of time put into making friends.

The advice I would give is to be proactive, and start inviting other parents and their dc back one afternoon a week. Invite a few of them, that way it;s less intense. You can hover and join in conversations and be hostess if your nerve suddenly fails about being the witty centre of attention.

Accept it will take time. and believe me, most of them will actually feel like you on the inside, even if they look as though they have the friendship thing sorted from the outside.

Good luck.

[mumonthenet]

cherry's advice is good.

Be proactive, invite your kids' friends over. Ask your elder kids who's their best friend and would they like to invite said friend over to play? Get the kids involved then you won't feel so vulnerable. Invite their mums in for a coffee/glass of wine if they're on the doorstep delivering or collecting their offspring.

Also make sure your shyness isn't making you look unapproachable. When you see the other mums at the school gate, say hello and don't forget to SMILE!

It will happen......

[hedgiemum]

Lampwick, I know how you feel. I suffered from crippling shyness and loneliness after having DC. I too am a big reader and like living "inside my own head". But moving away from my family (who I'm very close to) made me realise how much I needed to balance my need for some lone-time with true friendships.

I don't have any great insights, but some things I did which were successful were;
-Go to things! Toddler groups, etc..

• Look out for others who look lonely and befriend them. Through doing this I met my now best friend locally, who was new to the area.
• Volunteer to help with things. Started off helping with new session that toddler group organiser wanted to run. Being there with a namebadge on made me feel so much less shy about going and introducing myself to others. At kids school I volunteer for pta-type activities and is main way I've got to know people. For a while, between babies, I volunteered a morning a week in a charity shop which was fab fun, and have now become a volunteer fundraiser for 2 charities where I meet people of different ages and backgrounds.
• Explore interests that can be pursued in daytime. I wanted to return to attending church, so found a local one that ran a daytime alpha course, with a creche for my youngest dc. Met lovely people there that I now meet up with fortnightly. I found a local bookstore that ran a daytime bookgroup.

On this site there are local boards where people meet up. Worth a try!

Its not too late to make friendships with people you only know on the surface. But my experience was that doing that was the hardest and slowest way of making friends (though happened eventually). Looking out for people who were new, or seemed lonely, or newer parents, or those with shared interests was easier to start with for me, and the varied ages of your DC will help you with this - you have several different potential places to go to meet people.

Will try to remember some more things I've done...

Chin up, and well done for posting! I'm sure lots if ideas and encouragement will be forthcoming from extroverts who find talking to people and attracting friends easy!

[lampwick]

Thanks, have sadly tried this and fell flat on my face. have been on maternity leave over the last couple of years and that didn't help, we where livng in a council estate then and didn't drive so did have a bit of an inferiority complex with a lot of other mums that went to baby massage and things, now we've "made it" into the nice part of town for about a year now where loads of young families live and are all in the same peer group/gang as dc. Neighbours nice but no big conversations. The worst thing is when i do try to put myself out it goes horribly wrong. I met a woman i was at school with a couple of years ago when our sons where both babies, i went and said hello, remember me and she just looked totally awkward and couldn't wait to get out of there. fast forward 3 years, see same woman at nursery she blanks me (never spoke to me since)and makes friends with a woman who also goes to the same tumble tots as dd2. our sons are now friends though so she will have to talk to me i presume when we invite her son to my sons birthday party so that will be somehing to look forward to. That's the thing its a small town with only a couple of schools so its all the same faces, i just don't really know any of them. I will try a bit more eye contact and smiling though, its hard when you do this and get blanked though.
You can just hear the violin solo in the background can't you! time to get a grip either way!

[hedgiemum]

Sorry, did my bold wrong - just ignore errant asterisks!

Meant to add, although you only have 1 weekday free, with 4 DC at different ages you will have a fair amount of different options for daytime activities, so look out for those that occur on your day off. And volunteering when you work so many hours may seem like a waste of time, but if you aren't doing a job where you get loads of people-contact (I was working from home p-t when I started volunteering) it can be great.

[reikimarie]

Just thinking of some options:-

1. Take up a new hobby which involves meeting new people e.g. salsa dancing;

1. Try volunteer work, as hedgiemum advised, which is an excellent idea as it really takes you out of yourself and can be very rewarding;

1. Netmums;

1. Do a course at the local college to learn a new skill e.g. flower arranging. Anything!

By the way with netmums you will have to meet up with several people before you find one you really like, I must have met at least 5 before I found one I really clicked with. Also it is a bit like dating, where you might like someone but they need to like you back, so if you really take to someone and the feeling isn't mutual try not to get insecure over it you will surely eventually meet someone you just have to keep plugging away at it!

1. Join the local church if you are at all religious or other religious/spiritual organisation where you may meet likeminded people. These also may be inexpensive so that might help.

Of course it is hard if you are quite introvert so I wish you the best of luck!

[FairyMum]

I have lots of friends, but have only made a handful of friends at the nursery/school-gates and I have 4 children. For me it has not been places I naturally make friends. I think you are rong assuming everyone else are friends and go for coffee though.