Questions for those who have left relationships

[TheYearOfTheCat]

Did you wait until it was really bad before you left?

Things are not good between me and H at the moment. A lot of rows, passive aggressiveness, controlling behaviour. We haven't been intimate with each other since the conception of our youngest child. I am beginning to wonder if I should call it a day and leave. I'm pretty sure that my feelings for him have been eroded, and each further incident is like a nail in the coffin.

The only thing is that no one incident on its own is that bad. It is more the cumulative impact.

We have 2 young children together, and it seems like an enormous step to take. On the face of it, our life together is pretty comfortable, we have a lovely home, and I know it sounds shallow, but I would hate to lose all of that.

If it was intolerable, the decision would be quite straight forward. However I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this. On the other hand, I was badly affected by my parents splitting up, and I would hate to do this to my DC.

Does it need to reach crisis point before you separate? For those who have split up, have you regrets?

[BrokenFlipFlop]

I left dh and have no regrets but then I appreciate that every situation is unique in respect to circumstances/feelings etc.

Things didn't reach crisis point before I left, it was just a build up of events over a long period.

Have you ever been to counselling - is it something you/dh would consider?

[MuffinBaker]

What is it you want people to say?

Everybody is different and has different levels of tolerance.

Kids don't have to suffer from having divorced parents. Better than living in a house with a bad atmosphere.

When you are 70, will the nice house be worth the fact that you may feel you wasted your life in an unhappy realtionship?

I wish you luck.

[Portoeufino]

I left my first (d)h after 18 months. We were mid 20s and had no dcs. I remember being sat watching corrie or something and feeling like I would rather die than live the rest of my life feeling so bored and unappreciated. I have NEVER regretted ending that relationship.

Sometimes nowadays I feel sad that my relationship with now DH isn't all it could be. But I am/would be prepared to work at it. The controlling passive/agressive thing though is something else.

I think if you are really unhappy that can only have a negative effect on the dcs. Is counselling an option? What kind of "incidents" are we talking about?

[YanknbeforetheCockcrows]

TYOTC, I know it's probably bad form to bring up something you said on another thread, but. . . .

you stated your H called you a 'fucking cunt' today for something incredibly minor. For me personally, that would count as 'intolerable'!

Do you really want your kids growing up with that as their main example of a marital relationship?

My parents fought constantly throughout my childhood. They would have been doing me (and themselves) a favour by getting divorced.

I don't think you need a crisis point. In my own divorce, it was a fairly minor incident that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Not regretting it at all.

[Bowbelles]

I'm in exactly the same position by the sounds of it. I know exactly how you are feeling.
We have been together for 23 years and I too have a comfortable life, but am simply not happy.
I have decided that life is too short and that I do not deserve to be treated like shit.
Today I have made the decision that we must split up. I am so so scared at the prospect and have no idea how I will support myself and our 3 dc's.
But I have taken the first step - I've opened a sole bank account and informed my employer to pay my salary into this new account. I have made an appointment to see a solicitor and have phoned the Child Tax Credit line.
Most importantly for me is that I have told my family and friends that the relationship is over. Nobody knew how depressed I have been or that we were ever 'on the rocks'. It is a great relief to me as I feel I am less likely to go back now.
TYOTC - I really feel for you. I feel like shit and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I'm willing to take that chance. Only you know how bad things are. Would you be happy to spend the next 30-40 years with things as they are? Only you can decide. I have felt this way many many times but have never been brave enough to do anything about it. It's a huge step. Have you considered counselling? I know we are well passed that now.
It's your life, and your choice how you live it. Hope that doesn't sound harsh. Be strong and I wish you the very best.

[Kally]

It got to the point where we didn't even fight anymore. I could barely lift my head to look at him. I never wanted to go out with him, I never wanted to have sex with him anymore. I couldn't bare watching him eat! I used to leave the room because I couldn't tolerate it. His chewing sounds and the way he used to make a mess when he ate. I found I just couldn't tolerate him anymore. I didn't even know I was capable of that. It was at that point I decided that I had to stop this from going on any longer. We had one last blazing row (well, he yelled and insulted me and stormed off) and I sat and let him. I didn't say a word and in my heart of heart I prayed he'd carry through and GO. And he did. It was hard, I made sacrifices but all I can remember when I realised he'd REALLY gone was this rush of air into my lungs. I felt as if I'd shed a whole ton off my shoulders.
It took a long time to recouperate financially, it was very hard, but nothing was harder than what I had been going through and I wouldn't go back to that for anything. And there was noone else involved. We just stopped loving each other, grew apart, and became two totally different people than when we started out. I think I almost despised him.
Today I know we should have split earlier on, but for whatever reason we didn't. I wish I had because I could have found someone to love again, (as I have today) and so could he have. Noone deserves to be miserable like that.

I just say that I had to go through it to get to the man I am with today. Just wish I could have known this sort of love before hand.
That was how I ended my 26 year marriage! It ended on its own.

[GypsyMoth]

five years on and the sheer relief of being free from him is STILL tangible!! It's a great feeling, no more eggshells! Why oh why didn't I do it sooner!?

[Bowbelles]

Kally - the way you felt is exactly how I feel now.
I don't expect it to be easy but thank you for posting - It's really encouraging to hear that you have come through it.

[MorrisZapp]

I left a lovely, attractive guy after three years together because I knew we just weren't right for each other.

The relief was indescribable. I was young and had no kids (still don't) so that wasn't an issue, but I still remember taking such pleasure in everyday things after the split without buggerlugs being there to ruin them for me.

It felt like being let out of prison - not that he was abusive, but just that the relationship was so suffocating.

Only you know what your own tipping point is. One thing is this - if the romance is gone, then you've probably done most of your crying already.

I was able to leave a lovely man with almost no tears, simply becuase I had let the relationship drag on for so long, I had done all my grieving for our lost happiness before I made the decision to leave.

I look back with nothing but good feelings for him now, and gratitude for those good times we had at the beginning.

[howtotellmum]

I am interested in this. I have a dear friend who feels she can only make the break when she feels "indifferent" to him, rather than being angry with him all the time.

She thinks that anger means feelings are still there. Each time they have a massive row, I encourage her to leave as she is so unhappy- (No DCS) but for some reason, she can't.

I don't want her to split up from her DH if there is hope, but after 20 years together, many of which have been unhappy for her, Iwih she could end it.

[fourkids]

I deliberately made the decision to leave when the relationship was not at it's worst. I know that might sound odd, but I wanted to be 100% sure - sure that there was no element of spur of the moment or of a decision made in haste or anger.

So I made the final decision when the relationship was at the best it had been for many, many years, and when I was certain that it was the best it was ever going to be. (That best was very, very bad!) I wanted to be sure I could say to myself 'this is it at its very best and it's still intolerable'

My advice (when asked for it) is always if you aren't sure, unless you or your children are being abused etc, then you probably shouldn't do anything. I ended my marriage once several years before and was talked around. I thought I had decided but obviously I hadn't! That didn't do anyone any good! But the time my marriage actually ended i felt completely different. I just knew inside that the time had come.

[iloveshoesandbags]

I left my dh after 16years of marriage, six months ago and have never regretted it. Every situation is different - but prepare yourself for grief - the loss of the relationship - even if it's your decision and you are happy with it this can still come along.
I was told this and thought, no that won't happen, but it did, after a few months. I never wanted the relationship back but it was part of the healing process.
Good luck

[TheYearOfTheCat]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Things are better this week, but sadly I suspect it is temporary. My DH is a good man, but I hate it when he morphs into the petty argumentative sod that he becomes, and it feels as if it is completely outside my control as to when it happens.

Thanks again. x

[reikimarie]

I went to Relate, whether your partner/husband wishes to go or not it really helped me finish my relationship and move forward with my life.

I am ringing her this morning in fact, the counsellor that is, as I still keep in touch for the occasional bit of distant counselling! The reason it is distant is because I moved up to the midlands.

Give Relate a go they are fantastic.

Good luck in whatever decisions you make and I hope it works out for you.