Help! I have a five month old DD1 and am struggling with how I feel about my relationship with her father. It began when I was pregnant - I had always loved that he was so family oriented, but I found him surprisingly disappointing, staying out late drinking with friends that I didn't know and disengaged from decisions about what we needed to do and arrange before the arrival. It really shook me and I felt quite miserable at times but brushed it under the carpet as pregnancy insecurity.
He is much better now, and has been since she arrived, but I feel like I am having major doubts about our relationship. We come from very different backgrounds - he is Lebanese and I am from New Zealand. In our five years of marriage (after a very quick courtship), this has not been a problem, mainly I now think because we were so busy working we just didn't have to deal with these issues. Now I am starting to feel it is a huge and insurmountable issue.
But now I feel torn about what our future is. I feel that I have spent five years being someone that suits him (the loyal wife, the breadwinner, etc) and have completely forgotten myself - and I feel furious about this, mostly with myself but often with him. I no longer feel sure that we have a long term relationship as a couple because I feel I can't go on feeling like this forever. Five years of resentments have bubbled up from somewhere. I feel horribly claustrophobic.
I feel awful about the fact I should have seen these issues developing well before we tried for a baby. At the time it felt like the right time and I don't understand how I could have been so wrong. I can't believe it but I genuinely feel that I regret having my lovely little DD because doing this has shackled me to him forever. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can extricate myself.
I feel so confused. I know having a new baby is a difficult time and I am trying to hold off on drawing any conclusions. I berate myself for feeling so extreme about all this when it's not like we have any real, big make-or-break issues (like violence). I feel I must be terribly selfish. I am not a great talker about my feelings at the best of times and now I am getting worse and worse because I am struggling with these feelings, which make me feel so bad, and I veer between being awful to my husband and completely shutting myself off.
I guess what I am wondering is - is there any way back from these feelings with your partner? And how? Is this normal or are we slowly and surely heading towards the end?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Brand new baby and relationship problems - very long!
WornThrough · 11/04/2009 08:30
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