Worried about my daughter need advice on the best way to deal with this please?

[stillcryinginside]

Sorry wasn't sure where to put this hope here is ok.

I'm trying to deal with a lot of shit going on in my life at the moment but my main concern is my 16 yr old daughter at the moment.

I wanted to post this last night but I couldn't stop crying long enough or think straight. My daughter has been dating a lad who's 21 for a few months now. I was very concerned and expressed this to her at the time that I felt he was too old for her.

I told her I wanted to meet him and I wouldn't form any judgement until I'd had the chance to get to know him. Although I really didn't want her seeing someone of this age I respected her and met him several times and he seemed like a really nice lad. To be honest I felt he was rather younger than his 21 yrs, he's not a drinker doesn't go pubbing and clubbing every weekend and he got along with all the family really well.

I knew in my heart if I tried to insist she didn't see him I was risking her hiding things from me and seeing him anyway and I didn't want that and felt by everyone being homest and open I had more chance of knowing what was going on.

Everything seemed to be going well for the first couple of months, she saw him a few nights a week and they'd come round to our house and we'd all play on the wii or chat etc. He appeared a really sweet, caring and respectable young man.

Over the past few weeks my daughter's been wanting to see less of him even going so far as to tell him it's over and she doesn't want to see him anymore. I've spoken to her and asked if she wants to talk to me about it but she just said he was getting on her nerves and getting too possessive.

It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago when she came in and said he was outside and wouldn't go, she was really upset and said she didn't want to see him anymore but he won't let her finish it. He kept saying he loves her and can't live without her and she was frightened that he might do something to harm himself. I told her to stay in and he'd eventually get fed up of waiting and go, if not I'd go and tell him to leave. Just then she got a call from him, he said he was going to go and kill himself then put the phone down on her.

My daughters now in tears, worried sick and wanting to go out to him. I ran outside but he was half way up the road, I tried to call him back on his phone but he wouldn't answer. My daughter's now stood outside sobbing her heart out and shouting him. I'm trying to calm her down and get her back inside as he turns and starts to come back down the road. She won't go in and eventually he comes back so I take them both inside, sit them down and try to talk to them. I listen to what he has to say, he's in tears by this time, mumbling and shaking.

At this point I start to think that theres something deeper going on than whats been said and he looks very depressed to me. I spent over an hour trying to convice him that he needs to see his gp and ask about counselling telling him that he can't carry on like this and he his mentally abusing my daughter and I won't allow that to continue.

He eventually agrees to see his gp in the morning, which he does and the gp has put him on anti-depressants and registered him for counselling. He's been taking the ad for 2 weeks now and my daughter decided to give it another go with him. Late last night she phoned up to ask to be picked up so dad went to get her, she was outside the bf house in nothing but her tights and a coat and he wouldn't let her get her bag or rest of her clothes and he'd snatched her phone off her.

I just don't know what the hell to do for the best, I want the lad to get well and don't want to be too harsh because I know how depression can affect you but I want my daughter home. I cried for hours last night, I feel sick with worry for her and can't seem to get through to her that she's too young to be going through this. Everytime something like this happens she tells me she's scared and he's controlling and doesn't want to see him anymore but he keeps talking her round somehow and she goes back with him.

I don't want to be OTT about it all but my daughter is my only concern and I want her home where I know she's safe. She says if it gets too bad she will leave him but how bad is TOO bad?

[mogwai]

does he have his own place or live with his parents?

He sounds very needy in many ways and I think your daughter is much better off without him

Where are his parents?

[MuffinBaker]

Where is your DD now?

[crokky]

I don't have any proper advice, but just wanted to say re the question of how bad is too bad...when things get bad in a realationship, it often happens quite gradually so the person in the relationship (your DD) doesn't "notice" as much as someone outside the relationship (liek you) who has a more objective view and can see more easily that things have got too bad. I think it has got too bad from what you have posted and given her age.

[howtotellmum]

Is your daughter still at school?
It sounds as if this relationship has gone way too far for someone her age, who should surely be more concerned with her GCSEs or whatever rather than dealing with a suicidal boyfriend!

Has he got parents? Does he live at home? where are they in all of this? Do they know what he is going through?

I know this will sound hard, but i think both you as a family and your daughter, have to end this relationship. He is not her or your responsibility. He is using emotional blackmail, as you recognise yourself. Your daughter, even if she is a mature 16 yr old, is still too young to get involved in this kind of situation.

I am very surprised that the dr gave him ADs- are you sure? They can take months to work anyway, not 2 weeks.

Is your daughter seeing him again out of pity for him, and because she is afraid of what he will do if she doesn't see him?

Look at it this way- would you want her marrying him- or having along term relationship with him? Does she want this? If not, best to end it now- it will be painful for him, but better in the long run than dragging it on and ending it in 6 months time.

If necessary, then you and your partner should confront him and/or his family and let them know what is going on. I think you should put your foot down a d say she can't see him- maybe that is what she really wants- for you to take control for her.

[stillcryinginside]

He has an annex/granny flat built off the family house. His mum was aware of something last night because dd dad said she came to the bedroom window seeming to have been woken up by it. She told dd's dad they could come in the house and talk things over and if she wanted to leave later she would arrange a taxi for her. His dad is really poorly which I am aware is also having a bad affect on him and he is taking a lot himself and not coping well.

I was just so upset last night and was frantically texting her to tell her to come home but she says everything's ok now

DD is still at his, she practically lives there with him now, it seems the worse things have got the more she stays with him because she says he stresses out if she wants to come home, gets worked up and starts saying he can't breathe and she gets worried.

I personally know how things can gradually get worse, I don't want to go into everything but I know what she's going through from experience. I practically begged her to come home last night and would do anything it takes to make her happy at home. I feel so bad, I feel like this is my fault, I've been through this crap and know what it's like to be emotionally and physically abused and put up with it and now I see my dd going through this and it breaks my heart and I feel so responsible for allowing myself to go through it and not showing the strength to put a stop to it. How on earth can I make her see whats right when I've spent yrs accepting this kind of behaviour from her dad

The gp did give him AD, I asked her to text me the name of them and she did, she miss-spelled the name but he's been given citalopram, the gp gave him 2 weeks supply and asked him to go back and let him know how he was doing on them, he's been given a further months supply now. He's just got notification about counselling and will ring them on Tuesday.

I think she is staying with him out of pity and fear of him hurting himself, although she does say she still loves him. I have asked her if she wants a life like mine and what she see's things being like in a yr or 5 or 10 yrs down the line if things are like this now. I don't know if I'm getting through to her but I know I have to. I do feel for the lad but I just want her to see this is not good for her and she needs to end it now even if that means spending some time apart and looking at it again a few months down the line.

She's left school and is a college, the gp has given him a sick note so he's not going into work so she's not been attending college either. I don't know if thats because she want's to stay with him at home or because he's making her feel like she has to stay at home with him?

[chipmonkey]

It sounds to me as if you need to put your foot down and tell her she can't see him. She is really still just a child and far too young to be dealing with this however grown up she thinks she is. I think if you forbid her from seeing him, she will probably feel relieved that the responsibility has been taken away from her.

[howtotellmum]

Put your foot down. Whatever happened to you need not happen to your daughter. Tell her to come home and talk to his parents and get their support.

[Portoeufino]

Oh what an awful situation. At that age your feelings can be so intense, I can truly believe it's difficult to make her see sense. (I remember my first love who treated my abysmally and I hung his every (lying, cheating) word until I eventually saw the light. I guess banning her from seeing him will probably make things worse in the short term? Though I could completely understand that. Sounds like he is having a very hard time too.

Does your dd actually WANT to see him? If so, maybe you could agree that they only meet at yours? If she doesn't, then the only option is to put your foot down.

[howtotellmum]

I don't think you should even be talking to her about 5yrs ahead...

she is too young for any long term relationship like this.

Don't "beg"- insist. She might see him behind your back, sure, but on the other hand she might see sense!

You should not feel guilty about your past- make up for it now by doing the right thing as a mum.

[MuffinBaker]

She is a child and you need to bring her home.

She doesn't need this at such a young age and the fact he wouldn't let her have her clothes? I would have dragged her home and made it crystal clear it was over for good.

[stillcryinginside]

He keeps telling her it's forever and talks about a lifetime together and I keep telling her that she's far too young to be even thinking that way. Reality is that she has yrs to live yet without thinking her first serious relationship will last forever and she needs to enjoy herself with her friends, finish her studies and hopefully travel and see the world. all the things I didn't do and wish I had.

I really want to put my foot down and insist she ends this and come home now but my fear is that I may lose. My eldest daughter who is now 21 got into bad company with drinkers/joyriders/drug takers when she was 15 and the more I tried to keep her away and fight her on it the harder she pulled away. In the end I sold up and moved to a totally different town to get her away from it but she kept running away saying they where her friends and where the only people who cared and understood her. She would steal from me and swear, calling me an evil bitch for trying to run her life, would constantly tell me that she didn't want me in her life anymore and didn't need me.

I was at my wits end and would trawl the streets at night looking for her and bringing her home only for her to run again as soon as she got the chance. It was a living nightmare and I feared I'd be burying her if I didn't get her away from it all and the scum she was hanging around with. Almost everyone including my extended family told me to leave her and let her learn from her own experiences but I just couldn't do it, I'd have down anything to help her and for all my dc.

It took me 12 months to turn things around and get her to listen and beleive that they wern't who she thought they where and telling her that I'd always love her no matter what she did to me and never give up on her. I thank god that she eventually learned what I was saying was true and now she's the most beautiful, respectful daughter I could ever wish for.

Everything turned out well, she has a great career, an amazing partner and tells me all the time how much she loves me and can't thank me enough for never giving up on her and knows that everything I did was because of my love for her.

She's away for the weekend with her partner but she and her sister are very close and she agrees with me on this and also thinks he is too old for her. I'm going to speak to her when she ets home and see if we can pull together on this and get DD to see that she needs to come home and end this now.

I've just spoken to DD and she's gone out with her friends tonight and wants picking up later from one of the girls houses so I'm going to tell her she's spending the day with me tomorrow and we can have a girly day and hopefully I can get through to her.

What I really want to do is just tell her thats it she doesn't see him no more ... end of but at this age they think they know it all and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

He sounds like he is manipulating her and she needs out, actually sounds like an old boyfriend of mine.

[stillcryinginside]

Your dead right he is manipulating her. It's just what her dad did to me. I suffer anxiety attacks and have been on AD's for yrs because of what I was put through and although she knows this it doesn't seem to register with her that she's putting herself through the same and I want to scream.

She says he punched a door a few nights ago but says she knows he'd never hit her, one minute it's like she realises this is not right then the next she's protecting him and saying it's not his fault and he's ok most of the time.

[stillcryinginside]

He was with another girl for quite a while before dd and I asked him the other week if the reason they had split up is because he was like this with her too but he says they split up because she cheated on him. I said thats why he feels insecure and worries that dd will do the same.

He knows himself he has issues which is obviously a good thing that he accepts this and wants to do something to help himself but I just don't want my dd to be a part of it, shes way to young and doesn't have the life skills to deal with any of this and it's only going to affect her in the long run.

I just feel so fecking useless as a mother at the moment

[mumonthenet]

at least she is still communicating with you, you have done a brilliant job so far and I am sure you will manage to turn this around.

would womansaid be able to give some advice ?

• is there something on a teensite relationship advice that she would take on board?

basically she is being emotionally abused as you already recognise. sometimes victims don't recognise this until they see all the symptoms written down and see that they tick all the boxes. you know all this of course.

feel very sorry for you but your elder dd will help you feel less alone

[howtotellmum]

What I really want to do is just tell her thats it she doesn't see him no more ... end of but at this age they think they know it all and I don't want to push too hard and make things worse.

This is what you wrote- just do it! You know it is the right thing to do....

Do you think there is any connection between how you allowed yourself to be bullied by your DH and how you are letting your daughter have too much control?

You need to be strong.

Your daughter needs you to be strong, just like you have been before. She needs clear boundaries and you need to put them in pplace.

I do think you must talk to the boy's mum- she neeeds to play her part and at the very least they need to know what their son is doing. Can you phone her or call round and say you need to talk?

[beanieb]

I think you need to let go of him too, try to not get involved in trying to save him. He could be manipulating you both but if he's not then there are other people who can help him, his GP for a start. It is up to him if he wants to seek help.

[chipmonkey]

stillcryinginside, show her this link. Perhaps she will recognise some of the signs?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

You need to get his parents involved. He lives with them - they are still responsible for him to a certain extent. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with a mentally unwell man when I was a teenager and I was in way over my head. It's good she has you to support her but for me, it didn't stop until his family stepped in and physically took him away.

[Jenice]

I would like to say that so far you are doing all the right things. Your older dd despite her past has turned out well rounded and clearly appreciates all your "interfering" in previous years. Thats what good parents do, they do their best to protect their children and this is what you have done.

As for this situation take a small bit of comfort in the fact that she turns to you when things are crap cos the last thing I would have done as a teenager was tell my parents anything about my life as i saw their main aim in life was to stick there nose into my business although now as a parent I can see why they behaved the way they did. It is great that she can tell you what is going on.

All I can suggest is to get together with his mother and discuss the situation as he is their responsibility and you need to focus on your dd. Between you both you can try and come up with some helpful solutions for both of them. Also your older daughter would be the best person to speak to her about coming home for a time to allow time to think about the relationship and you can both work on her to help her realise that despite everything he has said she cannot control his actions and should not feel responsible for him. Also if he really cared about her he would not make her feel like this. Depression is a very complex condition but she needs to realise that she cannot cure him by letting him control her, this will only draw her into his depression.

[Springhassprung]

Agree with involving his parents.

Also sometimes children do want their parents to step in and sort it out. That might be the case here.

[howtotellmum]

My son is more or less the same age of your DDS boyfriend- I would be totally horrified if he was behaving in such a way- but more importantly, I would want to know. You must set up a meeting with his parents.

[MuffinBaker]

She is 16.

Bring her home, make her see that a good relationship makes you feel better about yourself, happy, secure and someone who says they love you does not refuse to give you your stuff and threaten to klll themselves.

First relationships can shape you for future ones - you have to make her see this is not the one for her.

[brettgirl2]

I really don't think prohibition is the way forward with a 16 year old. Whatever anyone might think of her boyfriend if she loves him then that is strong and real and if you are not careful he will turn her away from you.

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

I think in this case the daughter might prefer her mother to forbid her to see this useless tosser any more. But what I would also suggest OP is that you put your DD in touch with WOmen's Aid and give her lots of stuff on abuse and domestic violence to read. Because he is abusing her, this is domestic violence, and perhaps recognizing it will help her walk away.
He is not her responsibility, she is 16. Don't be anxious about him killing himself, people like him are rarely obliging enough to actually do so.