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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can someone please help me - I don't know what to do anymore

110 replies

sososad · 05/04/2009 17:16

DP and I have been together for 13 years since we were 18. The man I met was sweet, gentle and loving but over the years has turned into an angry Jekyll and Hyde character. We have a 7 year old DS and he sees nothing wrong in calling me a "fking idio" "Stupid cnt" etc in front of him. I have tried talking to him about the effect he is bound to be having on DS but he can't see he is doing any wrong. He is constantly in a bad mood and has even decided that I shouldn't talk to him in the mornings as it makes him angry as he is in a bad mood.

I was sexually and emotionally abused as a child and only started talking about it about three years ago. I don't see my family and we communicate rarely via email. I have never had it out with them and feel guilty about severing contact all together even though I don't really understand why. Anyway, DP took it as a personal insult that I hadn't told him and says my family are weirdos and he thinks I am strange for staying in touch with them even though I have tried to explain how I feel about it all.

We moved to a new area a few years ago and he was lucky enough to make a couple of mates quickly. It took me ages to settle in and life has only been better over the past year because I started uni and also have got to know some of the mums on my street a bit better and we occasionally socialise.

Fast forward to today. I always take Ds out at the weekends so we can spend quality time together. DP has a leg injury which happenned back in July and never comes with us, though in all fairness he never did before the injury either. Today I thought it would be nice to go out as a family so we all went to a castle. On the way back DP started the name calling again because I don't like Ds having boiled weets or chewing gum which he thinks it stupid. I explained that I am actually quite relaxed and this is the only thing I insist on. He then said that he thinks I am too affectionate with DS and kiss him too much. He had a look about him when he said this so I asked what that was supposed to mean. With that he literally went ballistic. He screeched the car to a halt by an embankment, went round to the passenger side, dragged me out and threw me into down the embankment into a field full of nettles. He then went back to his side to try to drive off so luckily I was able to get DS out of the car before he drove off like a maniac. DS and I had to walk home which was luckily only 2 miles, only interrupted my my crying (I know I should have held it together in front of DS but I couldn't) and the phone ringing with DP telling me first not to come home because if I did "Wait and see what I do" then finally him saying he was going out otherwise he would hurt me if he was there when I got back. He also screamed at me that it is over.

I just feel so distressd right now. DS has a mate over now and they playing but god knows what damage that incident did to him. I also don't know what I am going to do now. I am scared I will have to leave uni and if I don;t I will almost certainly have to move closer to uni which means in the holidays when my friends go home I will be on my own. Can anyone give me any advice please because I am so scared. Thanks for reading this

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staryeyed · 05/04/2009 17:26

I don't usually answer these threads as I don't really have experience but he sounds like an absolute bully. I can not believe the way he has treated you it has left me absolutely gob smacked. You do not he is behaving in a completely unacceptable way don't you?

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Idranktheeasterspirits · 05/04/2009 17:26

I'm so sorry are you ok physically?

You really do need to get out, if your partner is saying that he is going out before he hurts you then you are not in a safe place for you or your son.

If you feel strong enough you can call the police and report this now, they will have specialist DV officers, you will be taken seriously.

If not will you call Refuge or Womens Aid?
refuge
womens aid

They can talk it through with you far better than i or anyone else online can and they will help you i promise.

Please pick up the phone this afternoon.

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staryeyed · 05/04/2009 17:26

sorry should read you do know he is behaving in an unacceptable way.

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sososad · 05/04/2009 17:32

I have a stinging nettle rash but I am more wounded inside and have been for a long time.I know DP is behaving in a horrible way despite him telling me that everything is my fault and I make him angry. I am still strong enough to realise that this is not my fault and that it is him who has the problem but I just don't know what to do. He will come back calmer probably and will probably try to me get me to apologise for what I said. If I called womens aid would they be there now do you think?

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Idranktheeasterspirits · 05/04/2009 17:33

Yes they will be. PLease call them now. YOu are not safe and you know it. Far better to have to start again than to continue like this surely?

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ScorpiowithabigS · 05/04/2009 17:33

Ring Womens Aid, they will help. you can't live with a 'man' like that.

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Longtalljosie · 05/04/2009 17:37

Oh my god. Leave. How much worse is it possible to treat someone?

Move closer to uni (don't give up your education) and join local parenting groups etc so you're not on your own. I've stayed in my uni town for a couple of summer holidays back in the day (which is rather a long time back now I think about it!). It's not that bad - there's usually someone around campus. The first time, there was only one person whom I knew vaguely - and he then became my boyfriend for the next 4 years!

Seriously love. You can't go on like this.

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mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 17:40

This man has a very serious problem. You mustn't continue to place yourself and your child in danger. Pick up the phone and ask for help.

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Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 17:42

I think that is the worst single incident I have ever read on MN.

Please, please leave him. I know it is not as easy as that. I stayed for 8 long years with my x but if he had ever done anything like that I would have left him at once, no two ways. It is a total deal breaker. Where are you? Are any of us nearby that we could help you? I am nearly crying reading that, you poor, poor thing.

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sososad · 05/04/2009 17:43

Thanks you for all your replies. I am going to see if I can call Womens Aid but it is an 0808 number. Would that be free on my mobile because I am worried it would show on the landline and I don't have much credit left on my phone.

DS told em he told his friend what his dad had done.

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Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 17:45

Ring them, explain briefly and ask them to ring you straight back. Sure they will.

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sososad · 05/04/2009 17:45

I am Yorkshire Springfleurs. I have read some awful stories on mn too which made me feel sad for the op. I never thought mine was that bad in comparison. Guess I am used to it

And I mean't to type previously that DS told his mate what happenned. Am probably going to be talk of the street now and am not strong enough to put on my usual brave face currently

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Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 17:48

It is good that people know, might make your arse of a P a bit more careful. People like that don't like others to know what they get up to. I am so livid for you. You may be the talk of the street but it won't be you they are slagging off believe me. You don't need to put on a brave face. Please keep posting on here.

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mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 17:48

yes, they will ring you back.

Its a good thing that your son has told his friend - it means you can't pretend nothing happened when he comes back saying he is sorry and expecting you to pretend it never happened. He said it is over - take him at his word. Is there anywhere you could stay tonight so that you will not be there when he gets back, presumably drunk, later?

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Springfleurs · 05/04/2009 17:49

Would you mind if I post in chat and then link to your thread so you get some more advice. I won't if you don't want me to but there are so many women on here who have been through what you have been through and can offer loads of practical advice or help.

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Jazzicatz · 05/04/2009 17:49

The number does not show up on BT landline but maydo on other suppliers. Mobile will be charged.

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sososad · 05/04/2009 17:53

Thay is very kind of you Springfleurs - of course you can do that. Thanks you.

DP doesn't drink but he smokes cannabis and I strongly believe it his his prolonged use of this that has made him this angry.

I don't really have anywhere to stay tonight but I will be ok I think. My head is spinning with what I am soon going to have to go through re house hunting, organising money etc. I hope I am strong enough to go through with it.

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CrushWithEyeliner · 05/04/2009 17:54

Good God

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cheekysealion · 05/04/2009 17:55

please plese leave now...

i was with a man like this for 7 years and i am sorry to day the damage he has done to me will be a physical and emotional pressance for the rest of my life and i really wish i had listened to me family and left much earlier...

you can do this and you deserve so much better ... it wont get better so please try not think that it will- like i did....

hope you have lots of support in RL

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HonkingAntelope · 05/04/2009 17:59

I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

Could you get to a payphone to call Womens Aid? That way it would be free.

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mrsboogie · 05/04/2009 18:00

please don't worry about the house hunting or money or uni or any of that now. You will get help with that stuff and while it is a worry it is not as important as your safety. Just pack a bag and get out of the house and go to a refuge. You and your child deserve better than this. He will only get worse as time goes son.

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sososad · 05/04/2009 18:11

I have just tried to call womens aid but it is just ringing and ringing. The automated service said if it is not urgent it may be best to call later. I can't risk standing at the phone for too long as it is in the window so if DP comes back he will see me on it straight away.

I can't leave now. If I did he would probably destroy all my clothes etc. I know you are going to say sod the clothes etc but I am probably going to need all the money I can from now on. He does this a lot and comes back when he has cooled off. As long as I don't antagonise him further when he gets back I will be fine. What sort of things can Womens Aid help with?

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Scootergrrrl · 05/04/2009 18:17

Depending where you are, there are other Womens Aid numbers on the website for the local contacts. There look to be quite a few in Yorkshire.
Please get some help, for the sake of you and your son.

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Scootergrrrl · 05/04/2009 18:19

If you can say roughly where you are, I'll look through and try to get a number for you if you like.

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faeriefruitcake · 05/04/2009 18:19

Get out get out get out!

Do not stay with this pitiful excuse you are so much better and deserve more. Your son deserves more and to see his mother treated with respect and dignity. Property can be replaced you can't.

Keep ringing the refuge, you have been so brave don't give up now. And good luck.

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