TTC has made me go a bit mad....

[MissUndercover]

I have been with DP almost five years. We started ttc in May 2006. 2 MCs later I am faced with the prospect of IVF. Three years of ttc has played havoc with my sex life. Excuse how crude I am about to be, but I feel like a peice of meat being banged to produce offspring most of the time. This is all in my head, not anything to do with how my DP treats me. He is truly the sweetest, most loving, strong, considerate and grounded person I have ever known.

However, a few months ago, I felt so unattractive, confused and compulsive I had an affair. We only had sex once but the texts and emails went on for months. What I did was wrong but DP never found out. In the meantime, I have had waves of complete domestic bliss and total panic, where I just want to run away. I feel like I am a bad person, ungrateful but then I feel a compulsion to be reassured that I am attractive and that sex can still be good. So I have been drawn to others also. I haven't been unfaithful (physically) apart from that one time since, but it is more due to circumstance than restraint on my part.

I am just so confused and don't know why I am doing these things. I thought of going for counselling but my doctor would need to refer me for a psychiatric treatment for me to get it on my private medical insurance and I can't even verbalise what is wrong with me! Any thoughts? Feel free to abuse me, I know what I have done is slutty and wrong. But I feel like I might do it again and I don't want to.

[namechangerforareason]

TTC is a horrible business when it just wont happen, it can make you do things that you would never dream of.

I have symapathy for you, been there, done that sort of thing.

Try to stay strong and perhaps get private councelling that wont go on medical record?

Hugs to you and good luck, PM me if you want.
X

[MissUndercover]

Thanks NameChange. I feel reassured just knowing I am not alone. I looked into private counselling but it is about £40 a session and knowing I have insurance that I could get it for free with makes that painful! .

Thanks again. I feel a bit like a am going loco as I obviously cannot tell anyone everything.

[NameChangedAlso]

Hi, I completely and utterly understand where you are coming from and the emotional difficulties you are going through.

I was also ttc for about 4 years, and went from being blissfully happy at the start to almost hating my dp at times I also cheated on him emotionally more times than I care to remember (I.e texting,playing along with other men, but like you only slept with someone else once) (I can't believe I'm admitting this, seems very sureal)

When you can't concieve it puts everything else out of perspective. I used to think whats the point in settling down or buying a house for example, when I'll never have a family, I may as well be a fun loving party animal, not living the mundane day to day life. This made me very resentful.

I would chase the high that men still found me attractive and really got addicted to the buzz of having men desire me, but I never really wanted to be with them. I felt really screwed up. I unfortunately also started using drugs, thinking whats the point in being healthy, and felt almost suicidal at times.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I found out I was pregnant, but instead of being happy I was miserable, convinced that the baby was the mans I'd cheated with (although not really possible, due to dates) andalso mildly addicted to drugs. Everything is ok now but all this deciet ruined what should have been the happiest time of my life, DP still knows nothing of all this.

Sorry for going on but I've never told anyone before and I just wanted you to realise you are not alone.

Also what I'm trying to say is please get help now, I wish to God that I had.

[teatank]

hi missundercover i did a simalar .thing about 5 years ago.ttc does make you do silly things. its takes over your life. i have great sympathy for you. i just assumed i could get pregnant at the drop of a hat. i tried for 4 years with no success. i made the decision to stop trying and threw away all my books. i had sex when i felt like not just when i had to. to my shock i concieved i now have a lovely 10 month old boy. i hope you have the same success i have. everyday i count my blessings. good luck

[namechangerforareason]

missundercover

Wher I am there is not for profit councelling service for employees of many large companies, its free, totally confidential, will not go on your medical records and you do not have to tell your employer you are using service, maybe google to see if something similar in your area. You self refer so no need for GP to be involved unless you express your wish that this is so.

Please stay strong and try to think positive, My won background was we were TTC for 8 years, I have PCOS but not the classic symptoms so was misdiagnosed. After 3 failed IUI attemps we were signing consent forms for IVF while I didnt realise I was 2 weeks pregnant with DS, now 5 MO, infact I didnt realise I was pregant til 7 weeks as my periosa are very irregular.

TTC takes up your life, the trying and the disappointment every month, especially when all around you are becoming pregnant at the drop of a hat. You are genuinely pleased for folk but want to scream "SHUT UP" when they tell you your good news.

I too had an affair, though mine lasted 6 months before everything came out, luckily we worked through it and are a stronger more confident couple. I am not going to say I was driven to it as it was a very concsious decision on my part, but our sex lives had gotten into a rut and it felt like you said, I was just a piece of meat who DP was trying to impregnante. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to try to keep sex fun as when it goes that way it did for us it just drove a wedge between us.

I really hope your ok, dont beat yourself up about it you are certainly not the first and wont be the last to do something silly through the desperation of TTC.

I really mean it, if you need to talk, PM me I will give you my email address.

Take care sweetie,

X

[MissUndercover]

Oh thank you so much everyone . Namechangedalso you have basically described my life (just substitute the drugs with alcohol). I wouldnt say I was addicted but I am becoming a bit of a caner, for the very reasons you describe. Even the pg part . My last PG tallied exactly with that one time I strayed, but the fact that I used contraception made be confused about what could have happened. I miscarried about a week after AF so the drama was shortlived but even that has not straightened me up.

I will check out the work counselling Namechangerforareason I think we may have something like that now I think about it. Thank you.

Teatank thanks so much for your kind response.

Congratulations to all of you on your dc. You really don't know how much it helps to know I am not going completely insane. Although I don't know how I am going to sort myself out yet. My feelings jump around really erratically from looking at DP and thinking I am so lucky to have him, to thinking I don't want to be with him as I want passion and excitement. One minute I am smothering him with affection the next I can't wait to get out the house and forget about everything. I should add I am not getting any younger (I'm 36), so it is a bit pathetic that I am returning to my party animal ways!

[MissUndercover]

I meant I MC a week after my BFP, not AF!!! Maybe I am mad LOL!

[beanie35]

I too understand that ttc can take over your life. I am a member of a mc board on another site, and to be honest Im suprised there are not more marriage breakups on there. I think it is so easy to be consumed by the thought of a baby, and its easy to forget that you wanted a baby because you have found the man you want that child with. The old story of relaxing and focusing on other things instead may sound cliched, but Im convinced it almost always works (if there is no known medical cause for the delay in getting pg). I wish you all the best.

[MissUndercover]

Unfortunately, trying to relax is how this all started. I thought s*d it, if I can't have a baby I'm gonna have a good time, enjoy my life and my friends. My life with DP was going to be all idyllic with babies and puppies and coffee mornings with fellow new mums. If that is not what it is going to be, we are not what we were about if that makes any sense? I chose him as the man I wanted that life with. I'm caught off guard now the path to the future is different.

Also, the relaxing thing I guess is true because the minute I tried to forget about the problem I conceived, but I'm not so much fixating on the babies now, it's more about the confusion of who I am without that plan.

I made an appointment with a counseller on Thursday.

[MorrisZapp]

V interesting.

I'm sort of ttc now with my DP, he's ideal 'husband and father' material.

But if I look to the future and there are no DCs in it, I also wonder if we will be right for each other as a childless couple.

It all looks very different in that light.

I don't have any advice, but wish you lots of luck. I bet loads of women feel this way.

[namechangerforareason]

Good luck for Thursday, dont hold back on anything, trust me it seems slightly better when you can talk to someone objective!
x

[solidgoldbrass]

BEar in mind that, to an extent, your pursuing other men was hormone-driven: your subconscious deciding that maybe the fact that you hadn't got PG yet was because of your DH not producing adequate sperm, hence the going for other men whose sperm might be up to the job.
I hope the counselling helps you sort it all out in your head, whether you want a relationship or a baby and where to go next.

[MissUndercover]

Thanks I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. x

[namechangerforareason]

missundercover

Been thinking of you today, hope your well and all went ok.
X

[MissUndercover]

Aw, thanks namechangerforareason .

Well I went and, well I love talking about myself so it was fine. He didn't seem at all shocked by my scandalous dallyings . Apparently it is quite normal to be a mentalist . If nothing else I feel a bit better being able to discuss it with someone who has nothing to do with my 'real life' and maybe eventually I will get a bit of perspective to figure out why I am acting this way.

I did know it wouldn't get an answer today actually, but the reality that it could take some time and I could ruin my life in the meantime was a little disconcerting! I will just have to try and behave myself, practice a bit of restraint. I think this will mean going into hibernation to avoid temptation. You all must think I am shocking!

Thanks so much for letting me bend your ears though. Tell me about your dc's or something so I don't feel its all about me (although obviously it is all about me ho ho ho )

[ABetaDad]

Missundercover - I assume you never told your DH about your one infidelity and I do not think you should.

Having been through the whole TTC thing and IVF with my wife I certainly have huge sympathy for you and your DH. It was psychologically just as hard for me as my wife. The phrase 'piece of meat being banged' was certainly how I felt about the whole process. All the joy and love went out of it and the anguish and disappointment came in for both of us.

I assume neither of you have had fertility tests? If not, I do think that after nearly 3 years you need to have some basic tests done to see if you or your DH are fertile. Your DH needs to have a sperm count and motility test first. The tests for you will be more involved. You and DH need to go to the GP and start the process now. You has gone on long enough TTC. Our GP used to say 12 months was long enough TTC before having the basic fertility tests done.

I am not sure how your DH would react to you asking him to have a fertility test but it is one of those things that has to be done. I initiated it by talking to my wife and going to see the GP myself first and talking to him about our infertility. My wife had tests later once I had finished my part of the process.

[MissUndercover]

Thanks Abetadad . I didn't mention it but we have had all the tests. We are both fine so it was a diagnosis of 'unexplained infertility'. The consultant says that sometimes people just appear biologically incompatible, though they don't know why .

I have been referred for IVF I am just waiting for my name to come up! Unfortunately this doesn't help the situation as we probably BD two or three times a month now. So is not as per medical advice, do more pressure there to step up the activity!

Anyway, nice to hear from you.

[MissUndercover]

The counselling is making me worse! Well I only went twice but I swear I am worse not better . Are you all still out there?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Miss Undercover

I also have huge sympathies for you and your H. The feelings you express in your initial post are ones often repeated by others in similar situations. Think the subfertility contributed markedly to you having an affair; affairs can be symptomatic of problems within the relationship and failure to conceive can and does place a huge strain on the couple.

You may also find this website helpful to look at and they also have a helpline number:-

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com

None of what you say to them would be reported to anyone medical like your GP. Its all confidential.

I sometimes also post on the ttc forum and am also subfertile. I have PCOS and endometriosis.

I have read before that people have had "all the tests done" when infact some have been missed off (much to their surprise).

Are you both absolutely certain you have been adequately investigated to date?. What tests have been done during the last six months?. I ask this as well as sometimes the so called diagnosis (unexplained infertility is actually no diagnosis at all, they have simply failed to find out what is wrong) of unexplained is mentioned simply because not all the tests have been done or adequate investigations carried out. Some women can produce antibodies that react to sperm. Do you know the exact nature of the problem?.

Have you sought a second opinion?. This is one thing I would be looking at in the longer term.

Counselling is not a quick fix; the fact that you feel worse after counselling is not at all surprising but infact normal. It will take time to work through all this; if you stick with it you will eventually feel better emotionally. I would also urge you to talk to Infertility Network.

[nikki1978]

Counselling does that I'm afraid. I felt worse for a little while as I think you start to confront things you were trying to avoid and it also brings up things from your past that you may have forgotten about. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better

Stay with it, it will help, honest.