Mother in law making me feel like sh*t (bit long)

[HarryB]

Don't know where to start and feel so down. I am a first time mum and had a pretty traumatic induction and labour which ended in a c-section. When DS was born, he had some initial breathing problems which I hear is common after a c-section, but it really put the wind up me, so I'm a bit worried and check DS breathing alot. We have a monitor etc for his cot as I personally believe in using technology if it is available to you, for peace of mind. The MiL, however, is always making digs about it. In fact, she is always making digs about everything from how often I feed him, to him having a dummy (I give one as last resort as he is a real thumb sucker; she thinks dummies are gross), to am I giving him water inbetween feeds, to what he is wearing in bed and how I lay him to sleep (I lay him on his back, she tries to lay him on his side), to the fact that I let him cry for 2 seconds today whilst I put his bib on, and she said "forget the bib, just feed him". She lives really close too and pops round when she wants. DS is 8 weeks old and I haven't, or can't even contemplate letting her look after him as I know she would ignore everything I say regarding his care as soon as my back is turned. She thinks today's guidelines are rubbish and really is in the "didn't do us any harm" camp. The worst thing she does though, is say how good a dad my husband is, and then has a subtle dig at me by saying "he's so calm around him and you have to be calm around babies as they sense when you're not". Now, I am far from frantic, and think I could be doing an ok job, I just believe in taking precautions and following guidelines set by professionals rather than a 70 year old that last looked after children 40 years ago. I am so sick of her making me feel like a bad mum and find that I am second guessing myself because I have her comments in the back of my mind. I am thinking of moving (but then I would be leaving a house we have spent a lot of money on and that I love, and great schools). I have said to hubby to talk to her but I think he's abit scared of upsetting her. She is a widow and has nothing in her life but her children.

[cocolepew]

Stand firm now. Lock your door so she can't walk in, if she comes around say you are busy/going out/having sex with the milkman.

Don't let her niggle at you, answer back, get your DP to stand up for you.

[Tortington]

move - seriously.

go out a lot

don't answer the phone

tell her to lay off - pr if you cant tell dh to tell her to lay off

[edam]

You've got an eight week old baby, personally I think you are pretty saintly not to have had an almighty row by now!

I'm with coco, but would suggest you need to get dh on side. Explain how much your MIL's little digs upset you and that he needs to stand up to her.

Put a stop to all this dropping in unannounced - tell her it's not always convenient and could she call first if she's thinking of popping round?

Then when you DO see her, every time she has a dig, say: 'Thanks but I'm doing it this way'. Or 'Really? Oh well, we do things differently these days." Whatever phrase you choose, just keep to the same thing and repeat it until she gets the message.

Btw, sorry, but there is one thing where I think she's got a point. Babies shouldn't be put to sleep on their backs - the campaign to put them down on their fronts has cut the cot death rate hugely. Ask your HV if you are not sure, or look at the SIDS website.

[Saltire]

Lock the door and don't answer it. Unless you have one of those all glass front doors where the person outside can see if you are in or not, then install a wee peep hole and look through it

[SecretSlattern]

Yep, agree with Coco. You need to nip it in the bud now before it becomes unbearable later.

[Saltire]

Edam - I thought the guidelines said to put baby to sleep on it's back, not front?

[meep]

edam the SIDS website says:

"Place your baby on the back to sleep (and not on the front or side)" here.

HarryB my dd stopped breathing after I had a c-section - just for a minute but it took me and dh a long long time to not constantly check on her so I can totally appreciate how you are feeling.

It soundds like you are doing a great job.

[compo]

don't move, try to be firmer
have a serious chat with dh
tell him he needs to tell her to back off
tell him to tell her she can come round Sunday mornings when he is there
maybe alternate Sundays - go to hers for lunch and she comes to lunch at yours one week
ignore all her comments, harder said than done but start saying 'oh reall?' whenever she gives advice and then move the conversation on

you poor poor thing, good luck! I thank my lucky srats MIL lives 6 hours away but I do have the pleasure of her visiting for 3 days when I see her

[HarryB]

Thanks for your replies. I do need to get DH on side and definitely need a heart to heart with him. he does actually agree with me, but he doesn't want to upset his mum as she is still grieving her husband who died 2 years ago. I am sad for her for that but I can't change it. How should he approach her?

Edam, sorry, current advice is to lay babies on back to sleep. It's called the "back to sleep" campaign which has cut cot death down. I could recite the sids website with my eyes closed I think blush grin

[edam]

oh yes, sorry, had a complete brainstorm there! Blimey, I know perfectly well what the advice is.

As you were...

[ladyhelen2]

Poor you. She sounds like a nightmare MIL,but you know you are doing the best for your DS by following todays guidelines and not hers from the last generation.

Think your DH needs a word with her. Gently of course and if that doesn't work, then you have a go.

Edam, I thought you were supposed to put them on their backs?

[compo]

'mum can I have a quick word with you?
harryb is starting to organise going out more with dgrandson so will be out for some of the day going to mother and baby groups. Would you mind phoning before you visit? Many thanks'

[edam]

Right, which way up do you hold a baby again? By the legs, isn't it?

[edam]

I remember my MIL saying, oh, that's interesting the guidelines have changed, we were always told to put them down on their side with a towel rolled up to stop them flipping over.

She's lovely - so supportive. Wouldn't dream of saying 'you are doing this wrong', just interested in why things are different these days. Apparently she was told to give ds a bone from the butchers to chew on when he was teething!

[edam]

her ds, my dh. Bloody hell, my head really is not making any sense at all today.

[rowingboat]

No it's the ears Edam!

[meep]

at edam!

[rowingboat]

Harryb, it sounds like a horrible situation, at a time when you are under enormous pressure, and lacking decent sleep. I don't think anything can prepare you for a baby, it's such a shock to the system.
Of course you are being careful after your rocky start.
It sounds like some frank talking is needed with your MIL, she needs to know how upset you are with her comments. It's a pity because it could be a great set-up, particularly in the future when having childcare on call will be a great asset.
I would hate having to deal with this situation, so I do empathise, it might be good if you can write down what you want to say or bullet points and either talk to her, write to her or get your DP to talk to her, perhaps if you could do it together one day.
She will probably be upset, but it's best to do it now. If she knows how upset you are she might start to appreciate how over-bearing she is being.
A baby group might not be a bad thing though, even if it is to complain to other mums about how interfering people can be, and let off some steam.
Do you think posting on here has helped?
You are doing a great job and I totally agree with the parrot like recitation of 'thanks but I'm following the doctors guidelines' should help.

[rowingboat]

MadameDS, I am rolling about at your cat biting your bum. What a cheek (excuse the pun). She might have kittens one day and then she'll see. [knowing look]

[HarryB]

The cat post cheered me up .

We just took DS for a walk and I said to DH that he should talk to his mum as her comments are making me feel crap. I don't want to upset her but either he speaks to her or I'll end up losing my temper and saying something that can't be taken back. I think she feels that my son will fill a gap left by her husband, and the wider issue here is that I don't think she has even started to deal with her grief. As much as I feel for the woman, my priority is my baby's wellbeing and I don't want to be upset around him. Thanks for all your replies. Netmums is great.

[Habbibu]

"Netmums is great. " And people took the piss out of edam's gaffe?!!

HarryB, that is tough. Second the advice to get out a lot - it'll do you good anyway. And you will grow in confidence and be able to close your ears to her more and more as time goes on.

[tryingherbest]

OK Harry

Similar birth - similar story. It destroy's your confidence. I had mil to stay (not my idea) for 3 weeks from 4 - 7 weeks - my breast milk dried up (I had to wrestle my ds off her to feed), my ds sleep dried up to the point the GP said it would be a problem
(mil wouldb't leave baby alone) and mil was having a great old time.

the key is with dh - if he doesn't stop this mil won't stop.

The LAST person you need is your mil right now. You're vulnerable and she's just being a complete prat.

Get dh on side - NOW. get mil to back off fast until you know that you and baby OK. Then reintroduce her on YOUR terms.

YUour baby and your marriage are jmore important that her 'expertise'. I know - my marriage is on the rocks because of a very similar scenario that continues and my ds is almost 3. My dh loves his mum more than he loves his wife and child.

Get control of this now.

Your baby - YOUR parenting. End of.

[HarryB]

Of course I meant mumsnet!!!