Has anyone dealt with a situation where their mother and husband don't get on?

[MrsJoeMcIntyre]

And would like to help me to deal with it?

[NAB09]

My DH would not get on with my mother if they met but still happy to listen and try and help.

[Daisypops]

Yes, my DP used to run upstairs when my mum came round and she used to be as nice as pie to him, bake him cakes try and chat to him etc. Just made me angry with him. It is very hard.

[MrsJoeMcIntyre]

My mum and dh got on famously to start with, however since dd came along, I feel that they are caught up in a kind of 'power struggle' over me and dd. They are very, very alike, both big control freaks, and although dh doesn't really talk negatively about my mum (because I'd go mad if he did), my mum seems to constantly slag him off. Her gem today was, 'Well to be fair, your dh is completely stupid most of the time', said in a humourous manner, but I know she meant it.

She does have some ammunition I guess, in that I have been guilty of telling her too much in the past, and dh is renowned for working long hours, so doesn't necessarily pull his weight all the time.

But it is starting to get on my nerves.

[annmar]

My Mum and DH don't get on.

My Mum thinks he's lazy and DH thinks my Mum has too much control over me.

They have had a few spats over the years and my Mum no longer talks to DH.

They both think I should stand up to the other more.

We managed to spend Christmas Day at my parents without incident.

It saddens me that they don't get on, but they are adults and I don't feel its up to me to sort it out. (although DH thinks it is)

[MrsJoeMcIntyre]

That is a very good point annmar - I did just say to my mum, "I'm not prepared to defend dh to you, it sounds like I'm trying to justify him all the time, and it's not up to me to do that."

[annmar]

If my Mum starts complaining about DH I just listen and then say its my life, my choice.

DH has more or less stopped complaining about my Mum, just the odd sarcastic remark, which I ignore.

[OrmIrian]

DH dodesn't like my mum. To be fair she can be a bit irritating but she is fine really. And she does lots for us. He has improved over the years and is always civil (if a bit brisk) with her but will take any opportunity to whinge about her. She never critisises him although he leaves much to be desired from her POV.

[KAT1979]

mine have never gotten on.just sort of accepted each other for who they are.to the point where we have now been seperated for 8 months and they have both said they are not ready to meet each other yet!!!!!!!dont know if they have realised that it was actually me who he was in a relationship with not my mum.i am actually fine with the breakup.unbelievable.(and there was defo no wierd stuff going on if anyone was thinking tht ha ha ha)

[lessonlearned]

A power struggle over you and DCs? They want you to referree?
Forget it!!!!
Tell them to talk to each other and leave you out of it. FFS don't go there.

[2rebecca]

It's interesting how differently women feel when it is their mum and their husband that don't get on rather than themselves and their mother in laws. There have been alot of threads on the latter and the general feeling has been that if a mother in law tries to slag off/criticise a woman then the husband should side with his wife against the mother. I generally agree with that feeling that if a marriage is to last the marital bond has to be stronger than the parent-child bond. When it's mothers v husbands though some of you feel it's nothing to do with you and that you shouldn't be siding with your husbands against your mothers.
I think this is innapropriate and hypocritical. If you would expect your men to take your sides against their mothers then you should defend them against attacks by your mothers. If you don't think they are worth defending you shouldn't be married. Tell your mothers to stop being critical or stay away, in the same way you'd tell your mother in laws.

[techpep]

Dont ever moan about dh to mum, and vice versa. My dp and mum dont get on and never have (been together 11 years). I just never apologise for either of them, its a situation that you dont need to put yourself in the middle of. I just think they're both adults let them sort it if they want to, if not, dont. Its possibly a bit more tricky if one is trying really hard to get on with the other, but can only speak from my exp.

[2rebecca]

If my mum moaned to me about my husband though I would ask her to stop and tell her i loved him. I also wouldn't tolerate my husband moaning about my mum, unless it was an occasional occurrance. Both would be told that moaning to me is inappropriate and selfish as it upsets me as I love the person they are moaning about. I would also not moan about my husbands parents to him as he loves them.
Sometimes I don't get on with my inlaws, but that's different to criticising them and being unpleasant.
The mum in this thread sounds out of order and should be told to stop talking about the woman's husband if she can't say anything nice. If people don't get on with their inlaws I think avoiding them is fair enough, as long as they don't stop their spouse seeing them. We don't have to do everything 2 by 2.

[HolyGuacamole]

I echo the first part of what 2rebecca says.

Why should a DH be expected to take his wifes side against his MIL (if she is being unreasonable) but the wife can just sort of stay out of the way if there's problems with her mum and DH? By the way, I'm not trying to wind anyone up at all, I am genuinely interested in the answer to that?

[HolyGuacamole]

I echo the first part of what 2rebecca says on her post at 22:14pm.

Why should a DH be expected to take his wifes side against his MIL (if she is being unreasonable) but the wife can just sort of stay out of the way if there's problems with her mum and DH? By the way, I'm not trying to wind anyone up at all, I am genuinely interested in the answer to that?