Sulking with DH!!

[MaplePecanPlait]

I am afraid I am in a big sulk with DH (whether it is fair or not).
He has neglected me lately and I just want to feel a bit more special.

Now, I don't want to leave him or anything quite so dramatic, I just want things to be a bit different. He is a quiet type who doesn't express himself very well and I am quite lively and probably a bit emotional. I am quite 'high' at times and great fun or can be a bit low at others if things not going that well. DH maintains a steady medium 100% of the time and never ever gets excited/upset about anything.

The trouble is when I get upset with him for not making a fuss of me he still does nothing and it is driving me mad. I don't leap in with both feet and have a go at him unexpectedly I do lay gentle hints that I would like to do things with him and then make a fuss of him so it might be reciprocated but to no avail. He says he really loves me but I don't know if he finds me overpowering, too demanding (not asking for extravagant nights out just time together away from TV) or if he is just a bit lazy!!!

Do you have any experience of this type of person??? I feel that I give alot and don't really receive what I am after. Don't mean that in a selfish way just want some fun with DH...

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

It's basically useless (as well as unethical) to try to make a person into something that he/she is not. SOme people are just not into extravagant gestures. Presumably, if you are a bit of a drama queen, you picked your DH because he is calm and unexcitable.
If you want nights out, then why don't you arrange them? Or is it that you have tried this and he refuses to go or very obviously doesn't enjoy it (in which case I would have a lot more sympathy with you, there is a difference between being calm and steady and being utterly boring).
ALso, have you tried actually saying what you want from him? If you do nothing but hint and then burst into tears and when he asks what's wrong say 'Nothing' in the tone of voice that means the opposite, then please understand that this is maddening behaviour. He;s not a mind-reader - tell him what you would actually like.

[MaplePecanPlait]

Mmm - thanks. Appreciate your points.

However, I do tell him that I would like to go out, have a drink, have meals in after DCs in bed and have given him plenty of ideas. He loves it when I make all the effort but there comes a time when I would like him to suggest we do something.

I have all the ideas for holidays, days out, time with the family and then arrange all of them. Just getting a bit tired of doing all of it. It would be lovely if he WANTED to do something with me.

I don't want him to turn in to an emotional heap like me though. I just want him to have the odd spark of life to suggest that we do something. He gets into his PJs every night at 5.30 and then picks up remote control to watch repeats on Sky.

I don't think I am a drama queen though - just a lively type of person who needs 'feeding' IYSWIM. I talk to DH in a reasonable way but after weeks of suggesting things and no action I have got upset with him, which I think is fair??

[BEAUTlFUL]

I'm like you and my DH is like yours! I'll be watching this with interest...

[TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets]

I appreciate how you feel, am in the same dilemma right now, so nothing to offer advice-wsie, will be watchign to see what replies you get.

I too do all the "ideas" and organising, and put effort in and feel like it's not returned in any way.

I'm feeling very very very down about it all today

[BEAUTlFUL]

At least yours wears PJs in the evenings. Mine takes off his trousers and kicks back in his LONG JOHNS, ffs. He wears them for work (he works outdoors) which is fair enough, but then to DISPLAY THEM in the evenings, tucked into SOCKS above CROCS...

[BEAUTlFUL]

Things that have worked for me: backing off; going out in the evenings with my friends until he misses me; getting vv busy with my own stuff; complimenting/noticing/appreciating what he does do; seeming very positive and happy all the time; kissing/touching him a lot; realising he's just like this and it's not my fault.

Things that haven't worked for me (funnily enough): threatening to leave him, dramatically, out of the blue; sparking rows on purpose just to inject a bit of life; comparing him to ex boyfriends; rolling my eyes at him; calling him a "boring old bugger" and stropping off round to friend's houses.

Who'd have thought, eh?!

I do find that my moods change over the course of a day, or an hour, or even 10 minutes. If I'm fuming about his lack of dramatic expressions of raging lust, instead of acting on that impulse and erupting out of the kitchen and shouting, "God, this marriage is DEAD, let's just cut our losees and END THIS TORTURE!", I can just wait and the feeling will go away. And at that point he always comes and does something nice for me, without realising that 5 minutes' before I was mentally packing my bags.

[MaplePecanPlait]

BEautiful - Good God, socks and Crocks??? At least you are beautiful!

I do find myself sparking a row just to get some life out of him but it rarely works and winds me up even more. Also feel like a real cow as he is the quiet one who doesn't know what to say whilst I fume and wave arms around. He says he just wants to climb in to a corner and wait for me to calm down, but I feel that he should placate me and comfort me. This is clearly never going to happen though.

I have done the get busy thing and did two post grad degrees over a period of four years which kept me busy in the evenings and really fulfilled me. Unfortunately I don't have many going out type friends locally but would love to be out in a nightclub or just out burning off some steam. Part of my problem at the mo is that I am not working so am focussing on the 'performance' of my poor DH. I am job hunting by the way as realise I need to channel this energy into something more productive.

[MaplePecanPlait]

BTW I do go to a language evening class so I am out and about trying to fill the gaps!

I do know that I need to be a bit more patient with him. But the inner madam in me makes me think that it is the easier road for me to do nothing and not react to things than for him to make an effort with me.What I am saying is that I am happy to calm down a bit if he wakes up a bit. Compromise huh?

[MaplePecanPlait]

Mary Poppins - I am so sorry that you too feel down about it. Rubbish isn't it? And I feel like a horrible person for moaning about it all, but at the same time feel that I have a right to feel as fulfilled as possible. I am worth it and so are you!!!

[moopymoo]

I think that perhaps when we look for our partners to fulfill us we are on a sticky wicket? I am similar, wanting to feel fire in my belly and have it reciprocated and spent a long time getting stressed about dh not being as 'on the ball' as me. Then I retrained and have shiny new career and this stuff all kind of dissolved away.

[BEAUTlFUL]

Have you always been a bit high-maintenance in your relationships? (I have!) and have you had other partners who made much more of a fuss of you? (I did!) And did that actually put you off them a bit? (It did me.)

Was it your DH's reserve that attracted you? Or at least intrigued you, in the beginning?
How did you get together? And how did he propose? Was that romantic & lovely?

[MaplePecanPlait]

Moopymoo - I did get myself a career and it did help alot. Now on a little break as I couldn't combine it with the DCs (bah). But looking very keenly for something else on same lines but with less hours.

Beautiful - I MAY have been a bit high maintenance but consider myself more lively and adventurous than wingy about money being spent on me or anything like that.

I used to have a 'livlier' boyfriend who was more like me and yes it was a nightmare as he was very imaginative and this led to jealousy and all that sort of rubbish. I do like DHs reserve at times because he seems quite cool and relaxed and this has rubbed off on me and people think I am laid back.

Proposal was typical of things to come with a "suppose we should get married then?" as I was pregnant with DD1 after being together for 4 years. We were engaged at the time but even then I had to pretty much go and buy the damm ring myself when we were on holiday.

Not as romantic and lovely as I had hoped for!

And you?

[BEAUTlFUL]

My proposal was also a warning: after 18 months, after we'd been to a party, I tried to chuck him as things had stagnated and there was no future talk. I was v dramatic about it, flounced off, he dropped to one knee and asked me to marry him.

[MaplePecanPlait]

OMG - how did that make you feel?

[BEAUTlFUL]

Quite happy! But it set a bit of a precedent.

What starsign is your DH? Is he Capricorn?

[MaplePecanPlait]

No he is a Libra. So everything is very balanced. Never has bad feelings about anyone or strong opinions on anything. Maddening!
I am a Virgo and by nature have quite (impossibly) high standards which is a real curse at times.

And you? Feel there is a lot to be said for star signs!

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

BEar in mind that a lot of extravagantly 'romantic' men are either non-monogamous or inclined towards controlling or even abusive behaviour.
Remember that no other person can fix you if you are feeling bored and frustrated. You are basically responsible for your own happiness and well-being.
Actually, as Beautiful said, OP: make a list of the nice things your DH does do (his share of housework without being asked, good advice when you are sad, lovely with the DC, totally trustworthy, whatever) and work on adding the necessary excitement to your life, yourself.

[BEAUTlFUL]

Well, I've been thinking about this and I think you (we) really must just accept our DHs as they are, otherwise they will retreat even further and we will go bonkers!

Ages ago I read a Stepford-type book on marriage and she said that husbands don't want to go out to dinner in resturants, as to them, the house is like their fave restaurant ever. Also when following that book I learnt to accept him as the withdrawn type and not fuss about it, but to keep note of the nice things he did say... Which, when written down, were quite a lot! Well, more than I'd thought before recording them.

you do seem to do quite a lot, ie arranging holidays etc. Maybe you're not leaving him any room to do anything? Why not back WA off this week, do not nag, hint, or anything except appreciate and compliment him... Then see if he pulls something out of the bag for V-day on Sat?

[BEAUTlFUL]

back WAY off, i mean.

[BEAUTlFUL]

back WAY off, i mean.

[jenk1]

This is me

im WAY WAY more outgoing than DH,who is happy being in the house with us and watching TV or playing on the computer.

things have changed tho after a lot of talking,ive realised hes never going to be the life and soul of the party,but he,ll always be here,very dependable and calmly tell me when im being too moody and diva-ish,in fact he makes me laugh when im "off on one" as he calls it!!!!

we do go out now,we have a social life and life is a lot better,but i do appreciate him.

[MaplePecanPlait]

solid gold - I understand that of course I am responsible for my own happiness but I do think that I try to make DH happy and give him my attention. Therefore I feel that in a relationship he might want to give me some happiness too?? just a small bit?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

OK MPP: do you think that the things you do to make him happy, are making him happy? Or are you making a (very common) mistake of doing stuff for him that you would like him to do for you, ie arrange nights out - when what would make him happy is a quiet night in and a blowjob? I think maybe you need to communicate clearly with him, and agree to take turns each weekend on doing what one of you wants, for instance. It does sounda bit like you are expecting him to 'just know' what you want without you telling him.

[MaplePecanPlait]

Solid Gold - As above I have told him what I want/would like. I am quite happy to tell him and that is not the problem at all!!!

Thanks for your advice.