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Relationships

meeting estranged Grandfather/toxic parents help need to talk!

7 replies

roseability · 09/02/2009 13:20

I have been on this thread a few times and explained my complex family situation. I just need some advice regarding a new situation.

To recap - My biological mother (who is now sadly dead) had schizophrenia and my biological father left the scene. My maternal grandmother and her second husband (not my biological grandfather) adopted me. I have never met my bilogical grandfather (maternal grandmother's first husband).

My bilogical mother's sister (my aunt) wishes me to meet my grandfather (her father) for the first time. I have a DS and am pregnant with number 2.

My adoptive father and mother are toxic (0r I believe them to be). They have led me to believe that all these years my grandfather wanted nothing to do with me, that they tried to instigate contact but he made it awkward and that he is a horrible man.

Now my aunt (who is close to him but doesn't have a great relationship with her mother and my adoptive mother) tells me that he has always been depserate to meet me and is a nice person. I have intially agreed to this. He wants to travel a long way and is elderly. I feel he deserves the chance to meet his family I feel. It will be after the birth. I struggled when DS was born, I feel because of family issues. I had counselling and ADs and feel a lot stronger and am really looking forward to this baby. I don't want anything to ruin that.

This makes me so angry towards my toxic parents. The lies and manipulation. I believe they have never wanted me to meet this man for their own selfish reasons. My father bullied and emotionally abused me and my mother is not much better. Wanting to fill the role of adored mother without any cinsideration for my feelings for my 'real' mother.

In the end I have a wonderful DH and family of my own. I am really close to DH's family who have filled the role of supporters and do know about my family situation. However I feel particularly in my Aunt there might be someone in my family finally who I can talk to and wish to build some bridges with her. My father always tried to poison my mind against her also and my mother has stood back and let him criticize her daughter. They disgust me.

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PlumBumMum · 09/02/2009 13:25

I think you should def have more contact with your aunt, do you know how your mother felt about her,
And then from there move on to your grandfather

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TheArmadillo · 09/02/2009 13:29

I think it would be a lovely idea to meet him provided you are aware and able to deal with the possible outcomes.

Are you still in touch with your adoptive parents?

If so and they find out you have met your biological gf they may react badly and you will have to find some way of dealing with that.

Also you have to bear in mind that the person you meet may not be the kind of person you are hoping for or they may not be looking for the kind of relationship you are hoping for and what effect that would have on you. WOuld you be strong enough to deal with that?

Also rebuilding bridges with your aunt may be a great idea and you could go on to have a fantastic relationship. But again there is a chance she may not be the person you are hoping she is or may not want the relationship you are looking for.

If you are strong enough to deal with the possible negative outcomes then it is worth a shot. If you are not, could you take some time and maybe reassess in a couple of months?

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roseability · 09/02/2009 13:34

I think I am strong enough. The biggest heartbreak in my life has been my adoptive parents but although I still have contact with them it is more on my terms and I have come through that. I have a wonderful family and ILs to support me and the details of my counsellor. I really don't expect much of this man after all these years. I am also aware that my aunt can only do/be so much. My real family now are my ILs.

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TheArmadillo · 09/02/2009 13:36

fair enough, as long as you are aware I think you should go for it. You could get some really positive stuff out of it.

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roseability · 09/02/2009 13:40

My adoptive parents probably won't like it but what is the worst that happens? They don't want to speak to me anymore. Great! I would love them out of my life but maintain contact because I would just feel too guilty and worry what people would think of me.

They can't hurt me anymore. I have too many other people that love me and are on my side.

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TooFoggy · 09/02/2009 14:27

I would make up my own mind about him, if you feel up to it.

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roseability · 09/02/2009 16:58

yes will go for it

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