Another bloody row about my lack of financial contribution....I am going to put it all down here and please give me your HONEST opinions!!!

[notanicepersonnow]

Myself and DP (not so dear at present!) are having problems, of various sorts in our relationship. I have just spent a few days away from home with Ds as was worn out with the constant friction.

Anyway, this evening we ended up having another row about various things and Dp has YET AGAIN started critisising me about what he percieves as my non contribution, in my honest opinion I do contribute loads both financially and in other ways and his total in-ability to accept this and maybe even BE GRATEFUL for what I do is driving a sever wedge between us. So ladies......

I work as apart time nurse and take home approx 1250 pm. He has a much better paid job and takes home about 2200 permonth.

I contribute per month
£250 to Mortgage (I pay half what he does)
£300 to the childcare (half total monthly bill)
£160 to food (but in fact more as I top up twice a week, probably another £100 per month)
£18 Internet
£approx 50 average per month on hols- for example have just booked Cp for later this year and have paid for that all myself, £200
£All DS's clothes, toys, party gifts etc, say £75 pm average

I also have to keep up with

£185 car loan (DP has company car)
£38 insurance/tax
£120 petrol (my job involves some travelling)
£20 pm professional subs

So That is a basically all my income, but still DP feels I am not doing right by our family. I have offered to go back to work full time but he does not want that as it will cost 'him' more in childcare and he isnt keen on me topping up my earnings with weekend bank/agency work as that would involve him looking after DS one to one!!!!!!

Because I have no money left over at all, I am living on my overdraft and anthing I need ie denstist, a few clothes, occasional (shock cheap lunch out or a book, you get the picture.

Im angry and demoralised, please tell me should I be or am I being unrealistic/ am I going wrong somewhere!!!???

[moondog]

It's pathetic this way that people who are a family fight and whinge and talk about his share and my share.Just pool the bloody lot and use as and when needed.

Madness.

[FAQinglovely]

what does he pay??

[Yurtgirl]

YANBU - he is

IMO if he truly loved you he wouldnt think of saying such things

[expatinscotland]

I will never for the life of me understand people who split bills or percentage-ize bills with their so-called partner or spouse and live with them the way you do with a flatmate at university.

Are you going wrong somewhere?

Yeah, you are. But staying with someone who niggles over money and treats you like an itemized tax receipt or a lodger.

'Not doing right by our family'.

He's not doing right by his family.

By being a twat.

I know it's your life and all that, but I wouldn't put up with behaviour like this at all.

For 4 years, I was the only wage earner in our household. DH was a SAHD.

ALL the money went into a joint account and we paid bills and lived off it.

Because we are a family, not flatmates.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

He's a twat.

You are paying a higher proportion of your income in family outgoings. He has it cushy. In a fair set up, he would pay proportionately the same percentage of his income as you. IMO. And he wants it both ways - he wants the luxury of criticising you for not earning as much as him, without the inconvenience of you going out to work as much as him. What a twat. I bet you do more housework and childcare than him as well, most women do.

Ho hum.

[pooka]

THere is no "his" income and "your" income. You both contribute to the family expenses. You also contribute by caring for your children on the days when you don't work.

I really don't get this concept of the separate pots. Family income is family income and even if you weren't earning at all, it would be the same.

I am a SAHM. My dh works. OUr money is our money. I enable dh to work by staying at home caring for our children. If we needed an extra income I would work. But we don't. But if I did have a salary it would be pooled with his, and all the family expenses would come out of our joint account.

[LoveMyGirls]

He is obviously being unreasonable, you have offered to work more he has said no, you alreadypay half or more have you shown him the list?

[BBBee]

IMO he is being unfair

[TheCrackFox]

Honestly, he sounds like a tight fisted twat. What are his out goings every month?

Financially you might be better off without him.

He sounds positively mean giving you grief for not contributing enough but then not letting you work full time.

[catMandu]

Out of order.

How much does he have after outgoings per month?

[FAQinglovely]

I think splitting the bills and having separate accounts can work perfectly well.

However it's got to be done fairly.

We used to do it so that we both had an equal amount of money left in the bank at the end of each month (ok usually about 50p but hey 50p is 50p ) and that money was ours to do as we pleased.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Meant to say, I too believe in "family pot", but if you are one of those couples who goes in for separate accounts, then it's fairer to split by percentage than amount. Otherwise the one who earns less, pays more of their income and that is usually (though not always) the woman.

[notanicepersonnow]

FAQ he pays

£500 to mortage
£120 electric
£300 childcare
£160 food (fixed)
£120 council tax
£15 water
£30 phone
£25 insurances
£ 60 'going out' ie soft play odd lunch etc

about £80 per month fuel, no ther car expenses

He always has at least £500 per month 'left over' although to be fair he tends to plough thids back into the house etc.

[LauriefairycakeeatsCupid]

He's a twat, contribution should be proportional to income.

Why, in a family, should one person have a ton of disposable income to spend on themselves but the other person does not.

So every month he could buy an Xbox and you could sew up the holes in your knickers.

Fuck that and fuck him.

Show him this thread. And then send him round my house for a lecture from DH

[alipiggie]

I'm with moondog on this one. If you're together as a family with a child why can't you just pool resources? Different if you're not living together but you obviously are. If he's not prepared to allow you to earn more, and you want to, then I would insist. As your finances are totally separate then he has no right to dictate what you do. He can't have it both ways - you pay for half of everything and then not let you do better. Sorry you're having such a hard time.

[ilovetochat]

i would suggest all money gos into 1 pot, all bills come out, split whats left in half and thats fair.
my dp pays for everything as i'm a sahm and he never moans, he knows i look after dd.

[moondog]

My dh earns about 4 times as much as me.The idea that because of this, he has more 'me' money than me is frankly astounding.

[beanieb]

Seems like the only thing you aren't contributing to is the bills and that seems understandable given your differing incomes.

[ravenAK]

So what does he want you to do?

If you've shown him the sums, he must surely see that you aren't wasting some imaginary 'surplus' income on frivolous nonsense...

...so either he agrees with you a way that you can generate more money, ie: you work more hours/different job with consequences for childcare, or he accepts that you earn less than him BUT you do more of the childcare etc.

Unless he's suggesting you take up armed robbery I can't see what his argument is!

[FAQinglovely]

well in that case (seeing what he contributes) he's a tight fisted git and a twat. Grossly unfair.

Nothing wrong at all with keeping separate accounts as long as it's done fairly, but when one partner (as someone else said often the man) uses that to "abuse" his position it's not on.

[pooka]

Agreed - before children and when we were both working full time we had separate accounts (Still do though not used so much). DH earned about 25% more than me. We worked it out so that we would both be left with more or less the same amount once household expenses accounted for.

When children arrived, we gradually changed the set up. I still have separate account, as does he (but mine is my own freelance business account now) but it's organic and has kind of evolved to the point where there is little distinction between my money and his. I do like having my own account (with the freelance cash in it) so that I can buy presents and stuff without using the joint account. But when I wasn't working at all (and still now I think ) dh had a standing order into my personal account each month so could retain a measure of financial independence.

[morocco]

how about you stop work and he pays for everything?

he is being a prat and you are being daft to go along wih it

don't understand the way some families do finances [puzzled]

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

God meanness is possibly one of the unsexiest vices there is. There is something so repulsive about it.

[notanicepersonnow]

You see ladies, you are all right and deep down I know it, but because he is 'better' with money than me (to be fair he is, never had overdraft or credit card etc etc but then never been a student lol!!) he feels he can take the high moral ground. I know I ma not fantastic with cash but now I really AM struggling. DP has never had to finance his own car for a start so he has always beneffitted in a big way from this.

Am so bloody fed up!!

[BuckBuckMcFate]

It's just not right.

Everything should go into one pot and all bills etc paid out of that.

I just don't get people with this attitude.

I've said on here before but my ex wanted me to pay more towards the elec/heating as I worked school hours and he spent 15 hours a week more out of the house than me! WTF??

Why does your DP begrudge you? Do you feel you are in a partnership in the rest of your relationship? Does he take an equal role in the house? Time with your DS?