My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

But what do you do all day ?

18 replies

Haylo · 07/02/2009 13:21

Need some perspective please.
Background please bear with me - DP of 18 years and two DC, 3 and 20 months, FT mum.
DP works Monday to friday from 0700 - 2000, sometimes later, but never weekends.
l have no help in the house, l do everything, and l mean everything for the DC, pets, DP, cars, garden, house etc etc
We before xmas moved into our forever house, but it needs lots of work, have had various trades on site for last 8 weeks, whilst l juggle normal family life around the brick dust.
My father passed away the week before xmas, expected but still difficult.
DP has always resented my being at home FT, not because he wants to be with the kids, but because he is envious, thinks l must have a holiday type existance while he trudges to work everyday. He has progressively started to do less and less, to the point where he takes responsibility for nothing around the house or children, during the week or weekend. Its beginning to feel like he is punishing me for being at home when he can't. The only outings l have during the week are to take DC to nursery, 3 half days, and to volunteer at my local baby cafe oh and the weekly shopping - its not like l am out and about lunching and having coffee with loads of friends.

Now l know he works long and hard hours, but l feel l help by enabling him to do so and do the logistics of everything at home - it was a joint decision that l take voluntary redundancy whilst on maternity leave. He earns good money so that is not the issue, although things are a bit tight with the house and all.

Just lately he is a bit stressed with work and comes home like a bear with a sore head. He might be the only adult l have seen in person to talk to that day and his conversation is limited to something shite like 'why haven't you done X", and it will be something trivial. This morning he was fiddling behind the TV then said "why haven't you dusted behind here its filthy'. Now don't get me wrong l am no domestic goddess, but my home is ok, clean and tidy, but housework is work in progress, and we are still picking up the mess from the builders work.

But what l have been trying to get to is, l am fed up with him using the line 'l don't know what you have been doing all day ?' l just lost it this morning, l shouted the things l had done, how its bad enough having no gratitude for the 99 things l have done for everyone but criticism for the 1 l haven't. Why should l feel guilty for being at home ?

OP posts:
Report
compo · 07/02/2009 13:25

is there any chance you could get a babysitter so you could out for a meal or a drink and tell him how you feel and how he is making you feel?

Report
cory · 07/02/2009 13:28

Ah, that's where I'm lucky: dh and I shared the childminding when dd was little, so I have never had to endure these fatuous questions. He was actually perfectly competent, but is not likely to ever fall into the trap of wondering where the work is.

Report
NAB09 · 07/02/2009 13:30

If you can't talk to him, stop doing the things you do for him and make him see what you do.

Dh has told me as long as the kitchen is tidy enough to get in and use, he couldn't care less if the house is a mess but I have had a good day, feel well and have done something for me.

Report
HeadFairy · 07/02/2009 13:32

Does he ever take annual leave/a day off or something like that. Although I'm back at work I do work part time so dh is always dropping lines like "what do you do all day on your day off?" and rubbish like that. However I quite often have to work weekends (I'm at work today) and it's been a real eye opener for him just how much work looking after ds is, and he doesn't even do any housework. That has really helped him see things from my perspective. Could you try swapping roles for a day to see if that helped you guys?

Report
Buda · 07/02/2009 13:34

Make a to-do list every evening for a week and list EVERYTHING you need to do every day and then tick it off as it gets done.

At the end of the week show it to him. Then bugger off for a weekend and leave him with the children.

Report
ilovemydogandMrObama · 07/02/2009 13:34

I totally sympathize!

I moved into DP's house when I was pregnant and went into hyper nest building, but rather mine included knocking down walls, gutting kitchen/dining room, re wiring, replastering, ripping up carpet, and loft extension!

The problem with house stuff is that it's only obvious when it isn't done, rather than when it is done. So, the day to day stuff, washing, cleaning, tidying, is just relentless.

If it was me, I'd say something like, 'ok, you seem to have a better idea of how to do house stuff, so do a day in my shoes and show me where I'm going wrong...'

When he says, 'why didn't you do 'x', could you say something flippant like, 'hmmm, had to make an executive decision and decided that 'y' deserved my full attention!'

Report
Haylo · 07/02/2009 13:52

Thankyou for your posts. l like the idea of making a list of everything and leaving it around for him to see just how much l do do. I just think his attitude stinks and l worry it could rub off on my three year old DS.

He says l can't take the criticism, but l think he is being inflammatory by making remarks like that. He makes at least one a day.

l am really at the end of my tether, he said this morning if its so bad why don't you leave, to which l said l might and could, he then said l wouldn't find anybody better, but what he really meant was someone who could give me all the things we have. Since losing my Dad l want to live and be happy, right now l am not happy, my time spent looking after the DCs has been like walking on egg shells for the last 3 years- and when l hear him telling our friends l am sooo lucky to be able to stay at home l could scream.

If l felt he would listen l would talk to him, l have tried, but he always brings the conversation around to himself, he has zero ability to empathise with others and always thinks he is hard done by and everyone has a better life than him. l guess bottom line he is not happy with work, money or himself and takes it out on his nearest and dearest - thats me, if it were ever the kids l would walk away. He has real problems, l have been told that in the family his grandfather was the same, never satisfied with his lot, always having to have more .. but at what cost ?

OP posts:
Report
ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 07/02/2009 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Countingthegreyhairs · 07/02/2009 13:59

Hi Haylo

This seems really unfair of your dh. Looking after 2 dc under 3 is hard work - never mind the housework and renovation.

I think his behaviour is passive-aggressive and you need to call him on it; particularly as it was a joint decision that you took voluntary redundancy. He needs to be an adult and stand behind his decision.

  1. I agree with Compo that you need to take some time out to discuss this. Ask him if the decision you jointly made is not now working for him/what is making him so stressed out/gently prompt him to recognise if he does feel genuinely resentful of you being at home or if it is something else that is bothering him such as finances or job security? Tell him how you feel his behaviour is undermining yours and how alone you feel looking after the dc.


  1. BEFORE you go out on above date, book next Saturday OFF and go out on an excursion ALL DAY. Get your hair and nails done or wander around a museum. Have a quiet lunch or coffee alone and spoil yourself. Meanwhile, leave your dh with the dc, and casually mention as you slip out of the door "there's chicken and vegetables in the fridge if you wouldn't mind preparing dinner, there's two loads of washing to be done, dried and put away and I'd love the sitting room to be hoovered too. I'll be back at 5.30pm". Then smile and LEAVE. I think you will find him much more appreciate on your return. Even better, stay away for the entire weekend.


  1. Agree also with Buda about writing everything down that you do and pin it up where he can see it.


Good luck and let us know how you get on ....
Report
TooFoggy · 07/02/2009 14:01

Sounds to me like there may be more to it than the housework?

Report
Countingthegreyhairs · 07/02/2009 14:02

Oh sorry - x posts Haylo -

Sounds from your last post that his problem could be deeper than the work division in your home. Sounds like he might be clinically depressed? Has he thought of getting help? Does he recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable?

Report
Haylo · 07/02/2009 14:10

He has been taking anti Ds for some time, but not always consistently. There is defintely a pattern between unhappiness at work (through lack of self esteem) and bringing it home. There is a family history of depression and OCD.

We do have lots going on beside the house renovation, and l guess it adds to the financial burden he feels. But l never make him feel soley responsible and do not splash our cash around.

l feel my dad's death has been a turning point, if l am unhappy l need to speak up and make myself heard, not just allow it to fester away inside.

OP posts:
Report
GettingaGrip · 07/02/2009 14:50

This is a brilliant book.

Report
MrsMattie · 07/02/2009 14:55

If you diodn't have kids, would you be at home all day? NO. I am a SAHM, not a housewife. That's my line.

I am happy to keep the house relatively tidy during the day and to take care of essential domestic tasks like shopping and cooking for the family. If I happen do to be able to fit in other household stuff, great - bonus! But I won't have it expected of me.

If dusting behind the telly is so important to your husband, perhaps the two of you can sit down and work out a rota where both of you take turns to do these extra jobs in the time you each have off from your work (ie. his job, you taking care of kids and essential domestic stuff).

To be honest, this would drive me back to work! I love being at home with my babies, but I'll be f*ed if I'm going to spend all day polishing and dusting!

Report
NotPlayingAnyMore · 07/02/2009 15:03

"He has progressively started to do less and less, to the point where he takes responsibility for nothing around the house or children, during the week or weekend."

Two can play at that game!

Report
Fleurlechaunte · 07/02/2009 15:18

Get this book What mothers do especially when it looks like nothing. Even if he won't read it, it will give you some ideas and things to say when he is coming out with stuff like that and reassure you, yourself of your contribution. It is very good. I found it really helpful and took a lot of quotes from it from my ex who said similar stuff.

Report
Fleurlechaunte · 07/02/2009 15:19

lots of quotes from the book to my ex not from him.

Report
bellavita · 07/02/2009 15:22

I often tell my DH of these threads, whereby the partner/dh thinks the wife does nothing when she is a sahm.

His response is, let the partner/DH stay at home for a week with the kids with no help and then he will soon change his mind to how hard it can be.

Report
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.