Are all husbands like this? Do you just put up with it?

[justwantoutofthis]

I have delayed doing this for so long because I just dont want to moan about my husband. But he pisses me off so much I just cant stand it anymore. I even feel sometimes we should not be together but we have a DS who is pretty obsessed with both of us and I just cant imagine splitting that up for him. And it isnt all bad so it seems an extreme solution. And we are from different countries - I live here in his. Because of DS I assume I would have to stay here and I am not sure I want to stay in a country where the only people I know are either his friends & family or people who only know us as a couple. Really I want to be happy with him and I have tried countless times but I just cant be for any period of time longer than a week really.

Its just everything. He annoys me. He lies but only little tiny lies that dont matter just make me lose respect. Like if he says something wrong, when he is called on it he will slightly alter what he said so it can be excused, when I know it isnt what he said in the first place.

He will tell me a time he should be home from work, then call at that time to say he is just doing a few more bits then he will be leaving shortly.

He subtely puts responsibility for things solely on my shoulders. If I want him to do something he will do it but I have to delegate and spell it out. Even things I have never claimed any responsibility for. Such as "where is DS's school bag?" (asked by me) his response will be in a slightly wounded annoyed voice, "Oh I dont know, I thought you knew where that was". When we split up to do shopping at Christmas he later admitted he left all the "practical" shopping to me - he was only responsible for shopping for my presents I had to do everyone else's presents and all the food etc.

Each and every time I confront him for doing or saying anything that upsets me or I dont like it is never his fault. I am always either expecting too much, being unreasonable, or he has a perfectly good explanation for it.

He wont do his nightly routine things til I go to bed as he wants to spend time with me, but very soon after DS goes to sleep he starts suggesting I go to bed while I am relaxing and enjoying myself. I get migraines so he uses this as his reason, to sleep it off, but hey, if I want to stay up I should be in charge of that shouldnt I? Last night he explained its because he wanted to go to bed and he doesnt want to do his next day prep routine stuff til after I have gone to bed but again I feel this is putting all the responsibility on me for everything.

When saying no to DS or "dont touch" etc he almost always sites me as the example why cleverly remaining the good guy.

Is often too hard on DS and I intervene to give perspective and then he will behave in a more age appropriate way with DS and DS thinks the sun shines out his backside.

9 times out of 10 when I say an idea of mine he either seems only minimally interested, just to be polite, or he instantly points out all the negatives. I now avoid suggesting anything or buying things or sharing ideas or thoughts because they tend to be ignored or he plays "devils advocate" constantly so I get no positive reinforcement. Or if he is in a mood to put a lot of effort in it just feels like he is trying to prove he is interested in it. It doesnt ring true.

Fuck there are a million examples they are all trivial when alone but put together I just feel so angry towards him and so trapped.

I have confronted and cried and asked for change for 8 years and he usually tries, though not lately as the last few years everything has been my fault. He will say "sorry you got upset" not "sorry I was an arse" All the changes he makes are temporary and I just dont want to be with him anymore. I get nothing out of it but a roof over my head and someone who cooks dinner & helps around the house. Emotionally he is pretty useless for me. We dont seem like friends anymore and certainly not lovers nor have been for a long time.

I want to be happy with him but I dont even feel like I know him anymore. He sometimes says things I really disagree with, morally, and other times just seems like a man who goes to work comes home and doesnt do much else. I am so unhappy.

[intheend]

So hard isn't it! I could've written that for you....

[justwantoutofthis]

also he insists he loves me more than anything. But I just feel nothing now. I am just tired of him being shitty in tiny little ways all the time.

[nickytwotimes]

No, not all husbands are like this.
He sounds like an arse.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

You poor thing, it sounds horrible. Basically he seems to think you're a 'woman' not a person, therefore he is the important one in the relationship and you exist to service him. Is his country a very male-supremacist one? Or, if it's not, was your home country male-supremacist, and that's why you have put up with him for so long? (Sometimes sexist men in equalitarian countries will deliberately choose wives from sexist countries)

[AmIOdetteOrOdile]

ARe you permanently unhappy, or has he done something to upset you today, which has brought back all of the other things?

I don't think any of us is 100% happy 100% of the time, but if you're not 100% happy a lot of the time then maybe you should think about counselling.

good luck.

[justwantoutofthis]

I just cant believe anyone would say that about him. Everyone we know does nothing but go on and on about how lucky I am that I have such an adoring doting husband. But I certainly dont feel it. I feel isolated and like I am going mad.

[justwantoutofthis]

He is English, I am American, so we are on a pretty level playing field. And he seems to be a really "modern" man often standing up for womens rights.

[giantkatestacks]

agree with Nicky - your relationship sounds rubbish which you I think you know.

Do you work? Do you really have the bollocks to leave? Its really hard. Harder than you think. Though easier than staying in a shitty relationship.

Could you go for some counselling?

If you're not going to leave then you need to find ways of making it better obviously and both of you will have to do this - not just you and not just him.

[EldonAve]

Do you work?
Have you tried to meet your own friends?

[justwantoutofthis]

With DS - he will (in front of DS) defer all decision making to me such as "should we stop playing and DS go to bed or should we play another 30 mins" and I just feel so shit being the responsible one when we both know DS should go to bed and I have to say in front of DS to put him to bed all the time. That is just one example.

I have been unhappy like this a long time. Nothing major happened today. Last I heard from him he was leaving at 3 home by 3:45. He called at 4 and said he would be leaving soon. It just made me post.

I dont think I have the courage to leave and I think he knows that. But I cant seem to make him sort this stuff out.

[nickytwotimes]

Al that trying to get you to go to bed first stuff? Very controlling.

Not listening/responding positively to your suggestions - rude and undermining.

You need him to take on board how his attitude is making you feel. Odette is right about counselling. A third party might offer some insight.

[justwantoutofthis]

I am a SAHM. I have friends but not really exclusively mine and I never go out without DH and I dont drive.

[justwantoutofthis]

I meant to say - when he defers decision making to me he always says its because I am so much better at everything. So it makes it harder to maintain an argument about it.

[nickytwotimes]

justwantout.
You sound a bit isolated?
What age is your ds?
Are there groups you and ds could go to where you could make your own, 'independent' friends? Or maybe take a class in something?
I know it is hard.

[justwantoutofthis]

I dont know. I feel so confused because he always says he cant do anything right if I call him on anything of this so I feel guilty and like I am being overly harsh. But I cant help it. I feel put upon. I feel resentful.

[badgermonkey]

This is passive-aggressive to me - he's being aggressive towards you but letting it look like you're in the wrong.

[nickytwotimes]

I think the two of you alone will never reacha satisfactory conclusion - you aren't able to hear each other.
Honestly, try some counselling together to try to make your relationship work.

[justwantoutofthis]

I think he is very manipulative but I cant prove it. I know that sounds mad. I have banged my head up against a wall trying to get him to see how his behaviour affects me but he doesnt and I always end up accepting it should be treated as an isolated incident or that I am being unfair. But my gut tells me he is manipulating me. But to give him credit I dont think he knows he is.

[rubyslippers]

you need to throw stuff back to him

sieze some power back in the relationship so you feel like you are more on an even keel

get your own circle of friends, get out and build a life of your own and get independence from your DH

little steps to begin with and you will start to feel braver

[gizmo]

No, not all marriages are like this. Most men will listen when it is explained to them that constant behaviour of this sort is undermining and exhausting.

It's entirely possible that your DH will listen, too, but it sounds like he has a mindset in which he is either denying he is doing it or can find perfectly reasonable reasons for doing it. Either way, he is ignoring you and you both need to find new ways to talk about this problem.

I would think that this is the sort of problem in which a good counsellor could work wonders, tbh. If he does adore you and believe in an equal relationship, then that's got to be worth trying to save, don't you think?

[justwantoutofthis]

I will suggest the counselling to him. Every time I try to talk about it I sound so stupid though. I just dont have faith in counselling but I hear you we should try it. I dont want to divorce though I often wish I could be somewhere else.

[mrsruffallo]

Not all marriages are like this.
At some point you have to mutually agree on emotional honesty and make that your base

[justwantoutofthis]

I dont know how to have a social life when I dont drive (live in a small village) all my friends are Mum friends & its all stuff in the day really. And I have limited money.

[gizmo]

Yes, I think your gut is quite right. He is manipulating you, but not deliberately...it's just that his life is more comfortable this way. So there is a powerful disincentive for him to actually hear you when you say how uncomfortable this is for you.

It's not malice and it's probable that once you start to communicate more effectively you can, together, find ways to keep his life comfortable and make yours so much better. It doesn't have to be a win-lose situation.

[Beantin]

I think it is important for you to find some friends outside of the relationship - perhaps join a club, evening class or something? It might just give you perspective, give you something that's 'yours'. This may make things easier for him - I know that sounds crazy but men can be complicated too. Perhaps he feels that you rely on him too much - I don't know if this is the case.

I know me not working, being at home and always socialising with DH at this point of the pregnancy (am too big to do much by myself now) is causing us problems. Sometimes it's nice to have a few phonecalls with friends he doesn't know so well, or a starbucks with my sister just to have a whinge and to remember that I am my own person again.