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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Long.......All my fault I know, but scared.....

82 replies

intheend · 06/02/2009 12:01

I met my husband while he was still married (he is 19 years my senior). We instantly hit it off. His previous marriage ended and we continued our relationship. I fell pregnant quickly (I already had one daughter). His divorce was very messy and as a result of the stress he frequently started drinking heavily. We decided to keep the baby, we bought a house together. Our relationship was fantastic in so many ways. His heavy drinking when stressed however became more frequent and he would stay out late and demand I collect him from the train station late at night dragging the girls from their beds. On one occasion he turned violent in the car driving home. Rows became frequent, and I developed massive insecurities.... I found it impossible to relax and was paranoid all the time just wondering each day what the evening may have in store. We'd always patch up, he would be very sorry etc and I kept trying to deal with paranoia and nervousness.
A few years later we moved house and things were calmer for a while and then the same routines started up.
I then pulled myself together, relaxed more about my anxieties and started to enjoy life. Then I received a phone call from police requesting give a statement against an old school teacher of mine who had been arrested for sexual abuse, my world fell apart and I had to drag up memories from the past. I really needed my husband at this time and through no fault of his own was unable to be around much at all due to work commitments but for me all the old memories of our early relationship came flooding back. Our next door neighbour and I began chatting, he listened to me and was a shoulder to cry on... one thing led to another and we slept together (I know this is unforgiveable). To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant again. My husband worked this out and I had to tell him the baby wasn't his, I had an abortion which if I'm honest I regret even though it was the right thing to do. We worked hard on our marriage after a few setbacks, eventually he beat me up and I think that helped even things out for him. Things had been ok since but I'm reminded of my infidelity in every row or disagreement (to be expected I know). Anyway, there is obviously something wrong with me as the "neighbour" called me on the anniversary of the abortion and we ended up sleeping together again and began an affair. My husband is aware we slept together again, he moved into a guest house for a short while and wants to move back in tomorrow, I really don't think I want him back (I've stopped seeing the other guy through this btw) he beat someone up while he was drunk last night and is threatening to do the same to the bloke and his daughter. So scared, as he says he still wants to be with me and I don't understand why when I've been so terrible to him.

Sorry

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rolandbrowning · 06/02/2009 12:10

I am trying to find another thread to link to that deals with domestic violence, you need to read it.

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PerArduaAdNauseum · 06/02/2009 12:12

Bumping for one of the many wise and wonderful people who can help you with this...

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intheend · 06/02/2009 12:14

Thank you, although he really has only ever been violent when provoked. Not sure how I get my head around trying to make things work properly when he comes back tomorrow

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lessonlearned · 06/02/2009 12:15

Why would you even consider this when you are afraid? You say you have been terrible to him (WTF???) but perhaps you life was already so bad that your neighbour was taking advantage of your obvious need for comfort elsewhere.
There are loads of blokes who look out for vulnerable women in terrible relationships so they can move in for a quickie, and out again just as fast in among the confusion!

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hobbgoblin · 06/02/2009 12:17

When I had to phone Womens Aid once about DV after I had tipped a pint of beer over abusive partner, the woman on the end of the phone said that being a victim doesn't make you a Saint. Abusive men will push and push and push their victim partners until they snap and it isn't uncommon for DV to be discovered after the victim has been involved with the police herself for assault.

So, what I'm illustrating is that you are a domestic violence victim and your wrong doing, i.e. sleeping with another man who gave you comfort through your abuse, is a result of the abuse and pressure you have been under.I don't think it's fair on yourself to expect you to make decent moral judgements when you are being emotionally and physically abused. Your judgement is impaired by your DH's abuse.

You cannot safely stay with a man who exerts his violent rage on others including you.

Leave, Leave, Leave, Leave, Leave, You wouldn't pick this situation in the first place so don't continue to choose it now.

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lessonlearned · 06/02/2009 12:18

Sorry too many hyphens.
Give both these bastardsmen a great big body-swerve!!!

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rolandbrowning · 06/02/2009 12:18

Sorry I can't find it I'm sure someone else will and will be able to advise you much better than I can. There is no excuse for your husband beating you up, no matter what you have done. I'm not surprised you don't want him back.

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YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 06/02/2009 12:20

You had an affair when under incredible emotional pressure - this doesn't excuse it, but it does go some way to explain it. Your husband forgave you, but kept the affair has his trump card to beat you with during every argument?! That's not ok. Forgiving means you don't do that.

You are afraid of him. Don't get back with someone you are afraid of.

This is not all your fault. And "only violent when provoked" is still violent.

Please get some help.

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rolandbrowning · 06/02/2009 12:24
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what2donow · 06/02/2009 12:24

If you really dont think you want him back, then dont take him back. You don't have to just because he still wants you - dont make the mistake of thinking that after all whats happened you should be grateful he wants you. Lots of women would have kicked him out years ago!

I'd suggest you stay on your own for the time being. Give yourself some breathing space from your husband, and your neighbour. you will probably conclude you are better off without either of them.

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chandellina · 06/02/2009 12:25

to be blunt - you both need some serious counselling. It doesn't sound like either of you respect each other or your marriage. The relationship started under dodgy circumstances and it sounds like it's ending that way too ...

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rolandbrowning · 06/02/2009 12:26

Sorry I'll try again
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/698029

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charitygirl · 06/02/2009 12:26

You will get better advice thah this but beating you up does NOT even thing out. Infidelity is wrong but your relationship was effectively over when he began using violence to intimidate and control you.

He wants to be with you bcause he is an inadequate bully and controlling you allows him to feel big. Take the opportunity of the fact that he is no longer in your house to keep him out of your life. Please.

You say sleeping with the neighbour was unforgivable. Isn't it unforgivable to beat you up? Do you really want to be with him in 20 years? Would anything have changed?

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MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 12:31

I don't see anything in your post that makes me think that it was all or even partly your fault.

I am assuming you were quite young when you met your husband?

He drank heavily, was violent towards you.

He did not support you when the police asked you for a statement against your former school teacher. He was not there for you because of work commitments.

Your neighbour, imo, took advantage of your emotional state.

It makes me sad and angry that you write that beating you up after your abortion "evened things out for him". Jesus, what a bastard.

Your husband reminds you of your affair constantly and uses it to keep you under his control.

Can you take your girls and go somewhere far away from these two controlling and dominating men?

You are not at fault, you have been abused for years. Please get help.

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 06/02/2009 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HolyGuacamole · 06/02/2009 12:40

He was violent and abusive before you had the affair. His violence was not a result of your behaviour and even if it was, it is definitely not excusable! He has every right to feel upset, he has NO right to lift his hands to you or otherwise abuse you.

He has moved out to a B&B - keep it that way. If you let him back in, it will be much harder to leave or get rid of him next time he is violent. And there will be a next time! Whilst he is trying to move back in he will be on his best behaviour - how long will that last whilst you tiptoe around him, feeling guilty about the affair and trying not to upset the apple cart? He sounds like he will use his hurt to punish you forever.

This is a chance to make a new start, take it as an opportunity to gain some control back in your life and plan a new and healthy emotional future. Don't bring your child up to think that being in an abusive relationship is normal or acceptable.

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intheend · 06/02/2009 12:43

Thank you everyone. I was 20 when we got together 9 years ago now (he was 40). I agree I think we both need counselling and as you say now is not the time to let him back in as he's already out, just feel guilty about this as he says he has no roots and being in the guest house has been like a prison for him, it's easier for me as I haven't had to leave our home.

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MmeLindt · 06/02/2009 12:45

Don't feel sorry for him. He caused his own misery by abusing you.

Please read the other thread that Reality started, her OP is brilliant. Print it out and put it on your fridge when you are feelign sorry for him.

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HolyGuacamole · 06/02/2009 12:47

"the guest house has been like a prison for him"

Well maybe that is a feeling he should get used to because if he continues to beat you up, that's where he might end up.

Please stop feeling sorry for him. I know you have not been perfect and you are big enough to be honest about that, but you need to shed this blame that you are shouldering. Counselling will help you to do that.

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RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 06/02/2009 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

intheend · 06/02/2009 13:07

Thank you

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intheend · 06/02/2009 16:28

Is it best to go for joint counselling or should I go alone?
I mentioned to him the possibilty of it the other day and he said he didn't believe it was necessary but would go along with it. I guess I'm apprehensive about what I may discover, he's already told me I'm not "relationship material" and wouldn't be able to make a go of things with anyone else and so would just end up back with him anyway, judging by past history he may have a point.
Also wondering where my responsibilities lie if I refuse to let him back and he gets upset and goes and hurts somebody.

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intheend · 06/02/2009 17:17

He has just text me....

"I understand being married to a volatile psycho is not workable for you. I will stop but in return, need you to behave appropriately, show me respect and cut out the attitude. Agree that and we can move forward"

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hobbgoblin · 06/02/2009 17:19

Go on your own. Don't take responsibility for what he does to anyone else. Report all violence and abuse and you've done all you can to protect you and any other unforunate human being who comes across him. If you're not careful this will become another guilty reason for you not to kick his ass out of your life.

I'd say go together to counselling if it sounded like he wanted to change but you need to build up your self esteem away from the man who is destroyign it and he needs to get over his alcohol dependency without leaning on you.

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HolyGuacamole · 06/02/2009 17:37

You've to show him respect?

Respect is not being a violent person who takes out their inability to cope with life out on others using either verbal insults or physical means! He is turning it all into your fault and I believe he will continue to do this. I don't believe he will ever give you a peaceful life. He will always want to remind you of your failures. We all make mistakes, none of us is perfect but we don't deserve to be constantly reminded of our shortcomings, especially by someone who does a good job of displaying their own on a regular basis.

Would you have friends who treated you like that? No, so don't have a partner who does. I sincerely don't meant to sound harsh, I just feel that he is a typical manipulative person and he has you well trained. From your posts it is fairly obvious that he has already worked plenty of his scheming magic to get you thinking the way that you are. None of this is your fault.

What a tosser. Get counselling on your own, you really will benefit from it, it will give you confidence.

And no, he does not have a point judging by your past history. This is only another twisted reminder from him that you need him and making you question yourself.

You don't need him. Believe me, he needs you!

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