I met my husband while he was still married (he is 19 years my senior). We instantly hit it off. His previous marriage ended and we continued our relationship. I fell pregnant quickly (I already had one daughter). His divorce was very messy and as a result of the stress he frequently started drinking heavily. We decided to keep the baby, we bought a house together. Our relationship was fantastic in so many ways. His heavy drinking when stressed however became more frequent and he would stay out late and demand I collect him from the train station late at night dragging the girls from their beds. On one occasion he turned violent in the car driving home. Rows became frequent, and I developed massive insecurities.... I found it impossible to relax and was paranoid all the time just wondering each day what the evening may have in store. We'd always patch up, he would be very sorry etc and I kept trying to deal with paranoia and nervousness.
A few years later we moved house and things were calmer for a while and then the same routines started up.
I then pulled myself together, relaxed more about my anxieties and started to enjoy life. Then I received a phone call from police requesting give a statement against an old school teacher of mine who had been arrested for sexual abuse, my world fell apart and I had to drag up memories from the past. I really needed my husband at this time and through no fault of his own was unable to be around much at all due to work commitments but for me all the old memories of our early relationship came flooding back. Our next door neighbour and I began chatting, he listened to me and was a shoulder to cry on... one thing led to another and we slept together (I know this is unforgiveable). To make matters worse I found out I was pregnant again. My husband worked this out and I had to tell him the baby wasn't his, I had an abortion which if I'm honest I regret even though it was the right thing to do. We worked hard on our marriage after a few setbacks, eventually he beat me up and I think that helped even things out for him. Things had been ok since but I'm reminded of my infidelity in every row or disagreement (to be expected I know). Anyway, there is obviously something wrong with me as the "neighbour" called me on the anniversary of the abortion and we ended up sleeping together again and began an affair. My husband is aware we slept together again, he moved into a guest house for a short while and wants to move back in tomorrow, I really don't think I want him back (I've stopped seeing the other guy through this btw) he beat someone up while he was drunk last night and is threatening to do the same to the bloke and his daughter. So scared, as he says he still wants to be with me and I don't understand why when I've been so terrible to him.
Sorry
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Long.......All my fault I know, but scared.....
intheend · 06/02/2009 12:01
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