is it bad not to instigate sesx very often?

[flix]

I don't have the highest libido but when dh initiates I am up for it and enjoy it but he is always having a go at me for not initiating. does anyone else experience this?

[norksinmywaistband]

Major problem in my relationship, Not sure how to resolve it though, Will watch with interest

[onlywantsone]

You can only initiate sex if you genuinely want to have sex - otherwise its fairly pointless IMO.

Is there any other problems / worries in your day to day life which may be causing your lack of inspiration (in a sexual way)

Small children, causing tiredness, work causing stress?

Its probably best to try and deal with the contributing issues first.

Perhaps increase the communication between yourselves and your DP?

[fluffles]

Got to admit, i very rarely think 'i fancy a shag' in the middle of doing the dishes, cleaning up, laundry etc.

Almost never initiate except occasionally when already in bed snuggling anyway. I can't help it - it honestly just doesn't occur to me

[choosyfloosy]

This is not too much of a problem in ours I think - I'm at last not on any sort of medication or hormones, and dh is on quite strong stuff, and we've gone for the nuclear option on contraception, so I think it makes our libidos much more equal. We don't have sex that often but I probably initiate more than dh.

Don't know what to suggest other than drugging your dh

Possibly have a think about what does make you feel sexual, when you do, even if it's not something that anyone else would feel sexy about? Sticking on some of my own music and dancing around does a lot for me - I never realised until after I had met dh just how much I censored my own musical taste when i was with a partner. Also, if you ever do look at your dh and think 'phwoar', tell him immediately, stay with the moment.

[CherryChoc]

Same here - we are having major battles over it Thinking of going to Relate or similar because he is starting to feel that we never do it and I am starting to feel like every time he touches me/talks to me it is to ask for sex which is a huge turn off for me. Meaning I'm not very often up for it when he initiates either.

[AllFallDown]

Man here ...

This sounds not dissimilar to our relationship. I know women often post here about how it can make them feel unwanted when their husband doesn't show signs of desiring them. Well, it cuts both ways - men, too, feel insecure and unwanted when their partners show little interest of their own, and feel that they have to ask for sex. Even if their partner seems to enjoy it when it happens, that lopsidedness of desire can make the man feel unwanted - as if the women is just consenting for the sake of an easy life. And sex when you're not sure if the other person is really up for it is a deeply unerotic experience. I'm not sure his having a go at you is terribly helpful - but I can understand where he's coming from.

[stuffitllama]

I think it's worth initiating even if you don't feel like it. The more you do it, the more you want to. Not sure a "talking solution" would work that well but I could be talking out of my hat. It wouldn't work for me, would just increase pressure and libido would wither even further under analysis.

[NumberoneSportacusfan]

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[NumberoneSportacusfan]

We went through this when DCs were little. I have always been keen to initiate in the morning. Early rising kids meant mornings were never an option.

Plus DH has a higher libido anyway.

Even though I enjoy it when DH initiates it, we both agree it is usually much better when I do probably for the reasons AllFallDown gives.

I don't think your DH having a go is very helpful.

I made DH understand that I needed affection that didn't lead to sex, and that sometime that would just make me feel cosy, happy and sleepy but occasionally it would turn me.

As fluffles says, you rarely fancy a shag when you are in the middle of household chores. For us it's important to do an activity together where you look at each other. It could be dancing for some but DH looks ridiculous when he dances. But when we play Scrabble for example and he is concentrating on his letters and I watch him, it brings back those lusting across the library moments from our student days.

[CharleeheartsherChains]

Thjis is going to sound silly, but i don't even know how to to initiate sex, DP doesn't respond to hints or things like that and i would feel like an idiot if i just jumped on him! I guess it comes from us both being unexperienced!
Plus i tend to only get really up for it in the night when dp is asleep and waking him is not something i would be willing to do.

So dp initiates the sex in our relationship and it is usually with him cuddling up to me and a not so subtle 'lets have sex'

It has never been a problem for us but i know for come couples it is, nobody should be made tofeel bad about it though!

[HeadFairy]

interesting post allfalldown, really good to hear a man's point of view on something like this.

I quite often don't feel very up for it, but we're ttc so I have to get myself in the mood even though I'm shattered. I've actually found that forcing myself (for want of a better word) is no bad thing, the more you do it, the more you want it. Every time doesn't have to be a 6 hour shagathon, involving a jar of nutella (now that would make me more enthusiastic!) and swinging from the lampshade, but I have to say that sometimes it's worth making the effort. I'm not saying you offer yourself up to your dh like a dutiful 1950s wife, but having read a few articles in the sunday supps recently about couples who've made a vow to have sex every day for a year or something like that, it does get easier and I've really found it brought dh and I closer. I guess it's the intimacy that does it, even a quickie is pretty intimate.

[Madmentalbint]

Someone told me 'use it, or lose it' with regard to libido. For me it's true.

It doesn't sound very sexy but if you make yourself initiate sex, the more you do it, the more natural it becomes and the more you really do want to do it. In theory

[HeadFairy]

It's true madmental, I was a bit too, but I've definitely found it to be true. I just need to persuade dh to come to bed a bit earlier. It's hard to get passionate at midnight when you've got to get up at 6am the next day for work

[CherryChoc]

AllFallDown, I have heard that before, I understand it but it just makes me feel worse - I would hate to think I am making my DP feel unwanted or unloved. But I find it upsetting to have sex when I'm not really up for it, so I don't really know how to combat this. I also feel unloved though, for the record, when DP only seems to want sex. (For example, he tries to initiate in bed, I am tired because it's gone midnight and just want a cuddle, but because I don't want sex he will roll over and refuse to even cuddle up to me, so we both fall asleep feeling rejected.) What's that saying - men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to want sex.

I am thinking though that our sex life problems extend a bit deeper than just the usual post-baby lull so will probably step out of this thread now.

[justgaveup]

I sympathise with you but sympathise with your husband more cos that's the situation I'm in.

My hubby doesn't have much of a sex drive and NEVER initiates sex...as people have said on here, he says it just never occurs to him that he's 'in the mood'....however, if I initiate he does enjoy it and is pretty much always up for it.

However, it has become a huge issue in our relationship because I don't feel wanted/sexy/attractive/womanly...feel like he couldn't care less whether we had sex or not and it's massively affected my confidence.

We have talked it to death and not come up with any solution.

The solution I've found is that now we don't have sex, I've given up initiating cos it just turns me off, think he's just doing it with me 'to be nice'.

I've chosen to get it elsewhere with a man who does 'want' me sexually.

Not the solution but desperation and being made to feel repulsive has driven me to it.