Need to ask my Mum to go home but don't want to upset her - help!

[appledumpling]

I was very ill over Christmas and early January and am also pregnant. I reluctantly accepted Mum's offer to come down when DH went back to work to help with DS and give me some breathing space. We don't have a good relationship but I was really desperate.

Anyway, she has been an absolute star - I have regained all the weight I lost, my baby started growing again and I can have a home birth again, DS has had all the attention and stimulation I couldn't give him and has been much happier.

I am now better and the baby is due anytime. Mum wants to go home but won't and says she intends to stay until the baby is born.

The trouble is that she is sleeping in the room where I intend to have the baby (there isn't another one available) plus she can be quite overbearing and is worrying about things that don't bother me and DH and I just feel I can't relax and have the baby while she is still here.

She is also constantly critical of my DH and although he is not perfect I love him to bits and wouldn't have him any other way. She's also started criticising my parenting style and I can see things coming to a head very soon. We don't usually get on so I don't want to ruin things with a row.

Mum is very needy and any attempt at saying "I really, really, appreciate what you have done for me but now it is time for you to go home" will be taken as direct criticism and rejection.

I just don't know how to say what I want to say without it being taken the wrong way.

Anyone got any ideas? Thank you.

[CarGirl]

How about

"Dh, DS and I would benefit from some time together on our own before baby arrives, it's our last chance to be the 3 of us. It would be great if you could come back when the baby arrives though if you'd like to"

[JustKeepSwimming]

How about:
"When the baby is here, it'll be great for you to come back and spend more time with DS and the new baby but it'll be tiring so why not get some rest/quiet time at home beforehand?"
Does involve her coming back though.

Or more honestly:
"The first few days when baby arrives we really want to just have the 4 of us, esp to let DS get used to new baby and obv we are not sure when i will have the baby so once i reach 37 weeks (for eg) we would like to be just us"?

[PlumBumMum]

Say you want to get the room ready for home birth but would love her to comeback to stay some weekend after baby is born

[TheArmadillo]

the really horrible answer is that there probably isn't any way you can ask without causing offence.

You have 2 options (as I see it)
a) you can ask her to go home and have the time for you and your dh to relax but your ma will be pissed at you

b) you can let her stay and not say anything but be stressed when the baby is born.

Rock you hard place

sorry.

[Dropdeadfred]

Could you and DH speak to her together, buy her some flowers/chocs/book or any other gift to show appreciation and then say that you would really like her to go home so that you can get the baby's room ready, nest a little and enjoy the last few weeks of being a family of three. Stres show much you would like her to come back when baby is born.

[appledumpling]

Ah, we've tried those - she says she can't come back till Easter though.

I'm 39 weeks today so it's starting to become more of an issue!

DH is on the verge of being a bit blunt about it and I think this is a bad idea.

Mother is a bit complicated to handle (food/body issues, some odd ideas on life in general) at the best of times.

[appledumpling]

TheArmadillo - you are right I think. I guess we are just going to have to do option a) and live with the consequences. Sighs - she's done so much for us and we've got on so well for once but it's never straightforward.

[appledumpling]

Off to do dinner now but thank you for the suggestions. Will have a think over food.

[JustKeepSwimming]

Well then i think you are going to have to be a bit blunt and take the hit.
But stress how great she has been, all you said about her in the OP.
It may get through....

[CarGirl]

Armadillo

How's the new home & things, is everything good ?

[mazzystartled]

You say she wants to go home?
Could you not just ask her outright if that is what she wants/needs to do? Focus on her needs rather than yours?
Or make up some vaguely plausible excuse - that she doesn't even need to really believe - like the midwife doesn't advise having anyone else around for your homebirth - that will give her the opportunity to go.

[BrownSuga]

If she is wanting to go home, focus on that perhaps. Does she have things she wants to sort, gardens, catch up with friends, take a rest, sleep in her own bed? As she has mentioned she can't get back until Easter, say fantastic we look forward to you coming back then for a visit with us. It's only a about 8 weeks away, or do you think you'll need her help before then?

I'd have the same problem with my mother tbh, if I asked her to go, she'd get all huffy about it. It's hard work isn't it?

[TheArmadillo]

hope everything goes alright for you appledumpling.

cargirl - I am loving the new house, and things are better. Definately not regretting moving. Thanks for asking.

[appledumpling]

Well, there were tears but it could have been much worse and she has booked a train for tomorrow morning. She's adamant the weather will be OK for travelling and wouldn't be persuaded otherwise so I guess she really wants to go home.

Ironically, I can't have a homebirth for the next 2 or 3 days because of the weather conditions (apparently it's not safe for the midwives to travel - not sure why it is then OK for a woman in labour to travel 15 miles to hospital but there we are...).

Am now off to order some flowers for her for Monday by way of thank you.

[JustKeepSwimming]

Well done AppleDumpling

Now just hold on for the snow to clear, then go for it & good luck!!
(hope to see a birth announcement...or even better a labour thread!)