My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need some advice on how to handle this situation.

17 replies

whydotheydothis · 05/02/2009 16:51

DH and I have been married for a few years now but decided to put off having DC until we were ready.
PIL didn't like this and went on at us incessantly to have DC. They didn't like the fact that we wanted to wait, and were actually on at us about having DC as soon as we got together (we were 18, still in college and so not ready)

Anyhow to fast forward a few years, DH and I decided to try to get pg and the result of that is DS who is now 15mo and tearing around our living room as I type this lol.

The thing that I find very odd is now that DS is here PIL just don't care. They live a 15min drive from us (we don't have a car) and they hardly ever come here to see DS or us (they used to come lots before DS was born)

They are always welcome, and I have actually invited them before now (everyone knows that they do not need an invite to pop in and see us, our door is always open)

DH doesn't say anything but I can tell it upsets him. We go to see them (1.5hour bus journey on 2 buses, so 3 hours traveling altogether) every other week. We ring them to make sure it is okay for us to go. When we get there they make me feel about as welcome as a rabid dog to be quite honest.

PIL are now saying that we never make time for them and in FIL's own words to DH, 'that wife of yours has a lot to answer for'. Dh asked FIl what he meant by that but FIL would not say. I again (yes I was in the room when he said this) reiterated that both MIL and FIL more than welcome to come and visit whenever they want.

I think (I hope I am not reading too much in to this) that my PIL are jealous of me as I am their sons wife and the mother of his child. I also think that my PIL honestly believe that I am stopping DH from seeing them, I am not. I am pg with number 2 now and FIL said that I should abort it so that I can't trap DH any longer. PIL still never mention anything about DS, when they come here it is like they cannot even stand to look at him. MIL is better when she is on her own though.

I am shocked that they think I am that nasty and conniving, I mean we have had our run in's in the past but I thought that we had dealt with them at the time and drawn a line under them, like adults do.

I don't know what to do, DH wont talk about it (I understand as I suppose it is too hard for him to deal with) But I really want my DS and this lo to have a good relationship with their grandparents.

OP posts:
Report
whydotheydothis · 05/02/2009 16:53

I have name changed a I have a couple of RL friends on here and I would be so embarrassed if the recognized me

OP posts:
Report
ANTagony · 05/02/2009 16:57

I think it gets easier for people one step removed to have a better relationship with your DC when they are potty trained and able to communicate - around 3ish. Then they can take them to the park, the zoo etc and get something back from them.

Don't be hard on yourself. All you can do is try.

Report
Blu · 05/02/2009 16:59

They sound like the kind of people who wnat it all thier way or not at all.

It must be v hard, but in all truth, if you behave in a reasonable fashion (and it sounds as if you do!) then you can't do much more, can you? Your poor DH - but if they won't talk to him about what is eating them, and they hold some grudge against you, then it is thier loss if they don't see their grandchildren more.

Has DH asked them outright why they don't come to you more often?

I can see you operate a v welcoming 'open door' house - what happens if you make a specific invite to them? Maybe they expect specific invitations?

What were the run-ins about?

The early pressure sounds hideous!

Report
whydotheydothis · 05/02/2009 17:07

I, well we (DH and I) have specifically invited them more times than I can remember, but still they don't bother.

The run in's were mainly centered on the way FIL spoke to me and called me names basically. I feel so to admit it. But we had dealt with it, or so I thought, and drawn a line under it.

DH wont ask why they don't come or why they aren't bothered with DS, I think he is afraid of the answer truth be told.

We don't ask them to babysit (never had the need TBH) but have told them that if they ever want to spend time with DS on their own (i.e without DH and I) then all they have to do is say. So that way we don't put pressure on them but they still have the choice to spend time with DS without us if they want.

OP posts:
Report
whydotheydothis · 05/02/2009 17:07

ANTangony, I do hope you are right. I hope I am reading too much into it.

OP posts:
Report
Blu · 05/02/2009 17:14

Umm, well, it desn't sound as if you are reading too much into it, tbh - they aren't being very nice to either you or your DH!

If the run-ins were about FIL calling YOU names, I would have thought it more likely that YOU were the one tending to keep a little distance, not them! But you are putting all the effort into trying to build bridges!

Is there a particular reason why they called you names or might not like you? What is DH afraid of? that he might be put in a position of having to condemn his parents?

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2009 17:17

whydotheydothis,

Well its their way or no way with them. These people cannot be readily reasoned with. I reckon as well they have never apologised properly for their outbursts, let alone take any responsibility for their actions (its always someone else's fault).

Your DH will have to talk to them at some point. However, being conditioned to them like he undoubtedly has done over the years will make this very difficult and he will need support from you and perhaps talking to a counsellor will help him too. He is not the only one by any means to have a difficult relationship with parents. He may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

You may not ultimately get what you want which is for your children to have a relationship, let alone a good relationship, with them. Do you really want any sort of relationship with them now after all that has happened?. They cannot even maintain a decent relationship with their son let alone you his wife (and you've had terrible things said to you by your poisonous FIL).

Your H's first loyalty is to you and the children. I would concentrate on that instead and stop visiting them. Living well is the best revenge.

You need to think about this as well. What would they actually bring into a relationship with your children?. Answer - nothing good. They could use and manipulate them to actually get back at you both.

They relish the power and control they want over you both.

Feel for you both honestly; you're both suffering at the hands of his nasty toxic parents. Such problems can also become generational as well - you've both been affected by them - don't let your children be the next lambs to the slaughter.

Report
Blu · 05/02/2009 17:20

wdtdt - are you the poster whose FIL gets drunk and becomes v racist?

Report
Blu · 05/02/2009 17:22

Also - truly, I don't thnk YOU have anything to be embarrassed about!

YOU have not failed here - you haven't done anything wrong, it isn't a failing on your part that your ILs behave like this!

Report
chandellina · 05/02/2009 17:52

they clearly don't like you for some reason or another. is there a way to get it all out in the open, start over, and let them know you'd like to have them in your lives in a happier way for everyone?

Report
mumonthenet · 05/02/2009 23:59

wdtdt, three things struck me from your posts,

"MIL is better on her own though"

"the way FIL spoke to me and called me names".

"FIL said that I should abort it so that I can't trap DH any longer"

I am wondering if this situation is more about your FIL and perhaps the dynamics of your PIL's relationship than what you have done wrong.

Is this negative attitude truly coming from both of them or is FIL controlling the situation and MIL is afraid to stand up to him?

Was it really both of them who decided that you should start a family when you were 18? Or is it FIL that is a bullying git (sorry if not appropriate) and your MIL and DH are afraid of him?

Can you get MIL on her own and try to find out?

Report
CapricaSix · 06/02/2009 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumonthenet · 06/02/2009 14:44

caprica, that was my feeling exactly.

FIL's comment is abusive and, as you say, speaks volumes......

Report
poshsinglemum · 06/02/2009 15:33

fil sounds like a knob.

Report
MrsMattie · 06/02/2009 15:35

They sound like horrible people.

Report
Wigglesworth · 06/02/2009 15:43

You FIL sounds like a prized, grade A, 5 star shitebag, what a dreadfully hurtful thing to say. They sound like arseholes, stop visiting them would be my argument, your DH may be hurt by their attitude but they don't sound like they deserve you as part of their lives.

Report
auntyitaly · 06/02/2009 15:51

Are you absolutely sure you want your DCs to be in contact with these charmers? In theory I'm sure you do want your Dcs to have good grandparent relationships, but the truth is they sound difficult and possibly rather bad news all round. The only plus about this situation is that you might be able to steer your children away from the trouble you've had yourself. Alternatively, arrange to meet them outside the house - eg theme park, cinema - which, while possibly pricy, does mean they have less chance to be rude(somehow the outdoors/an event calms people down).

Could they be jealous of your DC perchance? Or getting old 'n' nasty (dementia)? You poor poor thing.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.