started an affair

[mummy07]

hi ladies

im a new poster on here but i am searching for some help/advice.
been with DH 8 years married for 2. we have 1 DS who is 17months.
basically there is no sex, no intimacy at all, i have to ask him to kiss me and even then its on the cheek.
i raised this with him 6months ago, he said there was no problem, but anyway i lost weight, am making the best of my appearance dress nicely etc etc tried everything in the bedroom, spoken to him countless times and still nothing.

i recently had an operation, i was scared out of my wits and his parting words to me as i went for my anaesthetic were 'have fun'. that just about sums everything up.

now i've started seeing this guy from the past, we've met up once, kissed thats it. we now text all the time and speak on the phone as and when. im really really close to taking things further on a phsyical level. he is always telling me how beautiful i am etc etc and that is just amazing.

not sure what to do.

[BonsoirAnna]

Are you prepared for your marriage to end? If so, go ahead with the new man.

[Tortington]

end it with one before you go forward with the other

or else your just beinga shit

[LightShinesInTheDarkness]

Save your marriage - try really hard.

You need your DH to front up with you and ask where he sees the marriage going. Your DS deserves the best possible chance of having both of you around at home.

The potential affair is a symptom, not a cause.

[VictorianSqualor]

If you actually believe that there could be something there with new man and you really do not want to be with dh then it's time to end your marriage.
Please think carefully though, you may not be as attractive to new man as a single mother with responsibilities and the freedom to pursue that relationship, just as he my not be as attractive to you as a full-time partner.
Either way, your marriage and this relationship are two different issues. Both need careful consideration, separate from one another.

[TrillianAstra]

Try to treat this as two separate issues (in this order!):

1. do you want your marriage to end?
   
   
2. do you want to be with this other man?
   
   As VS says, if you say 'yes' to no1 there's still no guarantee that no2 will happen.

[abedelia]

This is a big step - don't take the middle road of trying to have a secret affair. Read the board, see the devastation and consider if you'd like to be living like that. Have the guts to do one thing or another, especially for the sake of your child, whose father will most likely hate you forever if he finds out your dirty little secret...

[abedelia]

That sounded harsh. I understand why you'd want to, but you're in a confusion of hormones at the moment. Best thing would be to tell H you're getting attention and that because of his lack of affection you seriously considered it but are stepping back for him. Men are odd - the threat of competition may be enough to kickstart him. If not, maybe the relationship is indeed done, though you should again make him consider what this will mean for your toddler.

[spokette]

Is this new man single btw?

If he is not, not only are you deliberately going to cause your husband pain, but his partner too.

If he is single, you are going to cause your husband pain just because you want to fulfill a carnal need.

For a marriage to work, you need trust, openesss and friendship. You need to make an effort on working at your marriage by getting your husband to face the issues that are putting a strain on your relationship. If he is not willing to move forward, then you need to decide if you want the marriage to continue.

Getting involved in a sordid affair is only going to complicate an already tense and brittle situation. If you don't want to think about the impact an affair will have on your husband, at least think about your child.

Sort out your current relationship before getting involved in a new one.

[LittleJem]

So hard. Do you think you want to ultimately resurrect things with your husband? I have been in a similar situation recently (the other person is single and from my past). Things have progressed however my husband and I have been talking throughout this... I've now told him that something has happened with the other person. My regrets lie obviously with not wishing to hurt my family, but am now working on sorting out what we really want.

[sincitylover]

seems to me though that some men (including my exH) are quite prepared to sit back in a rubbish relationship, do nothing to alter the status quo, deny their partners sex (as my ExH did). Because it still appears to benefit them to have their most of their needs met.

And the the responsibility for trying to make it work falls on the woman.

IMO the men in this situation are doing nothing to make the the marriage work, so in a way why should the woman run around like a blue arsed fly to try and make it work.

Marriage is held up as some nirvana to be saved at all costs. Both parties have to make the effort and unless you are both religious I don't hold with the sanctity of marriage.

I do speak from experience here, I tried for years to save mine, went to relate etc (alone). I was not unfaithful either in the 15 years we were together but towards the end I would have been should the opportunity have arisen. Don't think my exH would have been hurt by that at this stage.

In all honesty I wish I had got out alot sooner. I really do!!

[Gemzooks]

As you asked for advice, I am going to be a bit tough, and say:

Do not contact the new man while you sort this out. Give yourself some space to focus on what is important.

Talk to your husband. Don't say there is someone else. Say you are really unhappy about the intimacy etc. Focus on your and your husband's relationship and the good times, and if/how you can mend things. Ask him to acknowledge how things are and ask him how he feels about it too.

Soul search a bit, why have things gone downhill? Relationships do suffer with the birth of a child, that's normal, and it is hard. Do you still love your husband and want it to work? If so, you have to try and at least properly talk about it with him and focus on the good future you could have together.

8 years together and a child at least warrants a proper try and soul searching before going in for some stupid fling that could cost you everything and is just an ego massage.

The new affair might seem a lot less glamorous once you are living with the new guy and trying to get him to care about someone else's child, you have withdrawn your child from his/her Dad and also split your husband from his child, split up your family, or the new guy leaves you and you are a single mum trying to cope on your own. You have a child now, you have baggage now, you are not a free agent. Of course you shouldn't stay with your husband no matter what or if you are miserable, but it sounds like you haven't been unhappy for that long, and that this is a symptom of problems since your child was born, which is normal and which can be sorted out in the context of the longer relationship.

good luck, try to patch things up and do not tell your husband about the affair, and it's tough but you cannot let this ego massage ruin your family.

[mrsruffallo]

I agree with everyone else who says end your marriage first

[HolyGuacamole]

Starting an affair is not the answer.

There are millions of men out there who will give you compliments and make you feel great. If that person is not to be your DH, then do the decent thing and leave him.

IMO there is never justification for an affair. There should be an order to the way that things are done. Try to resolve things with DH, talk to him, give him the chance to see how seriously you feel, ie, a choice or chance to change things. If that doesn't work, then you separate, then after you are settled on your own you might want to find someone else to be with.

Anything else just messes with other peoples feelings selfishly without giving them any choice. It is not fair. Choose one or the other and treat people the way you want to be treated.

[mumofteens]

Sounds like there is something seriously amiss with your husband. I think I would be inclined to try to talk about the problem with husband and then suggest that you might start looking elsewhere if your needs are not being met. See how he responds. He can't have it both ways - ie: deny you any kind of intimacy and also deny you the right to look elsewhere for it.

What is a marriage anyway? It's a relationship. If one person in the relationship is denying the other something fundamental then the other person, in my opinion, has the right to find it elsewhere, marriage or not.

One one level, you could argue that marriage is a piece of paper. Yes, I am being the devil's advocate here and no doubt will be shot down in flames. But some of you guys are so sanctimonious it's quite funny.....

[Fizzfiend]

I agree with sincity. I have tried what I consider to be everything to bring sparkle and fun back into our marriage over the last 10 years. Sex is probably twice a year because he feels he has to. He never suggests anything like going out, having fun, etc - all down to me. As is, entertaining our daughter, which I love. He is miserable if he has to be alone with her - he loves her but is just not a kid person..prefers to watch football on the box rather than take her out in the snow, etc.

I'm afraid I have slipped into the affair route. Yes, it's selfish, but in my head I've spent the last 10 years working so hard to buoy up this marriage, with no effect (he promises things will change, then nothing ever does).

It's making me really assess my marriage properly. I know there are men out there that are spontaneous, fun-loving ... yes, I know not all the time. But there has to be some spark (I'm not talking just sexually). For me, it all started because I need more sex ... very selfish again, but it was making me miserable and I was seeing my life slip away into nothingness. Yes, I know I'm taking a risk, but right now that risk is worth taking. The alternative is to die of boredom in my relationship.

Not sure what to advise, but I'm a lot happier in myself since the affair started. Although less happy than ever in my marriage. If you go ahead, your emotions will be in turmoil, but I think sometimes it takes a drastic measure to change things for the better.

Maybe I'm more selfish than others, but then again, maybe they have better DHs than I do...it's very hard to judge from just a few lines on this site. GL with whichever route you choose.

[Bramshott]

You need to be quite careful about analysing your feelings for this guy from your past. Yes, maybe he is the love of your life and you and your DS would be happier with him, maybe you'd be happier alone - you and your DH clearly have some issues which need working out.

But it's equally possible to project all your feelings onto another person so that they become the panacea to all that's wrong with your current life, and to represent all the choices from the past that you might have made and didn't IYSWIM.

It's also useful to give yourself a reality check and ask yourself how another person might behave when faced with the day to day niggles of family life - yes, it's very easy to get on well when all you're doing is going out for a drink, but 100& harder to get on well when you've been up all night with a vomiting baby, and the house is a mess, and you're bickering about whose turn it is to take out the bins!

[georgimama]

No one is being sanctimonious, mumofteens.

As was said to you previously, deceit is not the answer. End the marriage if it isn't working by all means, but that is a separate issue to the new man.

You shouldn't be looking around for an escape route. If it isn't working and you don't think you can or want to make it work, leave. Then look to the future.

[YeahBut]

Well, things don't sound great with your dh but the whole situation will be made even more complicated if you continue with a new relationship before ending things with your dh, if that's how things go.
Tell your dh that you are very worried for the future of your relationship and that you need help to decide whether or not to continue the marriage. Tell the new chap that he needs to give you 6 months to sort your life out first. If the new bloke is the 'one', he shouldn't mind you getting yourself sorted before you start a life together.

[N1]

3 in a relationship gets complicated, can turn nasty and it was you who took a step in the direction.

Your husband knows you as you are now. It's obvious that he will see you feeling happier and might be more attracted to you then (possibly). Can you accept having sex with 3 people - your husband and lover on the same day?

While in a relationship, there are a few boundaries that people expect you to stay with in. When you over step the mark, you open yourself up to any number of problems.

What happens if you start this affair and you want it to end but the bloke wants to keep you having sex with him? Then he blackmails you into carrying on (it's a secret from your husband). You are going to be twice as unhappy then. You are in a unhappy relationship and you are pushed into doing things you don't want to do.

The other side might look green now, but will it be when you get there? You don't know - do you.

If you want to be with this person who makes you happy, separate from your husband first. Things might not be good between you and him, but you can still arrange a separation. You might find that your husband wants to be slightly unreasonable if you separate now. It could be worse after he finds that you had an affair.

Keep in mind that you (and your body) are craving attention. The affair will feed those needs now, but will the rest of your needs get met after the affection needs are met (satisfied)? You are feeling down now and the affair might make you feel better, but will those feelings last (or be enough) if you don't have your husband making you feel down - or will you want more affection than the affair is prepared to offer you?

When you have an affair, someone gets hurt and sometimes more than one person. Do you want to cause someone to get hurt?

[Tanee58]

Hi Mummy07, welcome to MN. When you say your H said there was no problem, he was such an echo of my ExH, who said much the same thing when I asked him about our lack of intimacy 3 months after DD was born. I made the mistake of not challenging him about it and so we didn't have sex for 10 years and it WAS a problem - and eventually I had an affair with an exBF, H left, we got divorced and exBF is now DP. Whilst I am happy to have DP in my life, I do have massive regrets that it happened that way, especially for DD's sake and I know exH was devastated.

If I had to do it again, in your shoes, I would make H face up to the fact that it IS a problem, for you if not for him, and that if he doesn't address it, he risks his marriage. He has to face this. If, having laid it on the line with him, he still claims there's no problem and refuses to work with you through this, then you have to think VERY hard whether you want the marriage to continue, and if you decide to end it, whether you are prepared to be on your own, for there is no quarantee that this ex whom you have only met once, will want to develop your relationship beyond romantic texts and phone calls. My own DP went through 24 hours after I'd told him H had left, when he questioned whether he loved me and whether he wanted to be with me at all. He decided the answer was yes, but it hasn't been easy.

As others have said, try not to have an affair (as I did). Decide what you want, see if your H is willing to work with you on this, and if not, clear the decks and THEN have a new relationship.

Good luck. A marriage without sex is really no marriage at all unless you are both happy.

[SillySouthernMum]

Good advice Tanee - exactly what I wish I'd done, rather than having an affair. A few months down the line and life is hell, a million times more complicated and miserable than the problems I was trying to escape. If I'd faced up to my problems with DH before getting on the merry-go-wrong all that might have been avoided ...

Whatever happens - good luck

[goodnightmoon]

there IS a problem if you are not having sex. He can't claim there isn't. You need to get it all out in the open and work on improving the situation.

Please don't proceed with your affair. It is going to make everything so much more complicated. And by all means don't tell him about something that at this stage is just a kiss.

[mumofteens]

Georgiomama -

Sorry but it is not that easy to "end the marriage" when there are children involved and also a long relationship, albeit an imperfect one (gosh - do you have the perfect one - lucky you.....!)

Get real - these situations are far more complex than you could probably begin to understand.

"End the marriage" oh gee - then all the problems are over - I don't think so....you just end up with a bunch of children and whole load of other people who are totally pissed off and - guess what - same problem will arise with the next person....

Yes, you are very sanctimonious and you don't understand the complexity of human relationships.

As was said to you previously, deceit is not the answer. End the marriage if it isn't working by all means, but that is a separate issue to the new man.

You shouldn't be looking around for an escape route. If it isn't working and you don't think you can or want to make it work, leave. Then look to the future.