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Relationships

How can I help DH who has lost motivation/suffers from anxiety?

11 replies

WinkyGirl · 21/01/2009 12:18

DH is 35, we have been married for 8 years and have 2 DC under 3 years old.
For the last 2 years he has lost motivation for his hobbies (buidling/restoring a car and gardening) and seems to have lost his self confidence. He says he is frightened of phoning/emailing colleagues at work in case he says something wrong. He has "his areas" at home (shed and garage) where he does/stores things for his hobbies. He is fed up with them because he has loads of stuff that he wants to get rid of but is frightened to. He would love to have a very ordered garage but cannot achieve it.
I have made time for him i.e. taken the DCs out so he has time/space but when I come back he is sat looking overwhelmed by it.
Sorry for long post...

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CountessDracula · 21/01/2009 12:25

Oh dear he sounds a bit depressed tbh. That overwhelmed, never able to start anything let along finish it and the anxiety etc.

Have you asked him if he thinks he might be depressed? It is very common to feel anxious and unneeded when you have small children as a man - suddenly the dynamic of your relationship has changed etc. Also he may be feeling extra anxious at work as he now has to provide for a family and the pressure is much more for him. (sorry for all I know you are the breadwinner, but just a thought).

I know my dh got anxious and depressed and very unhappy at work. He said that he felt like a spare part and that dd and I would be fine without him. Similarly he didn't seem to enjoy anything or be able to do anything useful for himself. He is fine now btw

You need to talk and understand why he is feeling like this first I think.

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WinkyGirl · 21/01/2009 12:35

Thanks CountessDracula I think you're right about him being depressed. I told him he is suffering from a male form of PND. (Both my births were difficult and I had anxiety after each.) Maybe he his taking time to process/deal with that. Life just seems to get in the way of finding time to talk.

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poshwellies · 21/01/2009 12:41

I'd recommend that he goes to his gp and talks about his anxieties,CBT could be a way forward for him.

I also recommend this book

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poshwellies · 21/01/2009 12:43

oops not a dinosaur book!!! Forget that link.

Try again..

This one

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WinkyGirl · 21/01/2009 13:04

Thanks poshwellies I have ordered the book. And will keep the dinosaur one in mind for when the DC are older

We've had a chat this lunchtime and are going to work together this weekend to start sorting the garage. DH says he will go to the Dr in a few weeks if he doesn't feel more like his oldself.

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WinkyGirl · 21/01/2009 13:04

Thanks poshwellies I have ordered the book. And will keep the dinosaur one in mind for when the DC are older

We've had a chat this lunchtime and are going to work together this weekend to start sorting the garage. DH says he will go to the Dr in a few weeks if he doesn't feel more like his oldself.

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CountessDracula · 21/01/2009 14:04

Yes I had a very difficult birth with dd and almost died - I think he had ptsd from that and we just tried to get on with things without really dealing with it as we were both so shell-shocked with that and having a new baby.

If you can deal with it now it will save untold angst down the line.

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WinkyGirl · 21/01/2009 15:23

TBH I think both of us have swept so much pain/stress under the carpet. (We also had 2 MCs between DD and DS.) Its almost like we are thinking "our family is complete so we dont have do worry about all that again so lets just forget it."

Luckily I wasn't close to death but I was raced straight off to surgery after the birth because of complications. DH was literally left holding the baby in an empty room for an hour while they sorted me out.

Crikey, I feel so stupid for not realising how this has affected him. I was just focusing on me and the DCs. And tbh thinking whats he depressed about, I'm the one who went through all the crap.

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CountessDracula · 21/01/2009 15:51

Yes it is so easy to do isn't it?

My dh was in a similar position but for 9 hours while I had a 12 litre blood transfusion and I still thought what's up with him so don't feel too bad will you

My dh reacted by feeling very much a spare part, his self esteem went through the floor, he lost confidence at work and I felt that he was just moaning and not doing anyting about it and tbh I felt resentful towards him for being such a misery a lot of the time. I now realise how much he was suffering and that it isn't something you can fix overnight. It doesn't help that I am a fixer by nature, my answer was always "oh well, get a new job" etc when in fact the answer was not in teh symptoms but the cause.

If you can talk about it, maybe he could get a bit of counselling or therapy to help with his feelings and things should be much better soon

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WinkyGirl · 25/01/2009 15:55

Now that is what I call an ordeal. Poor you and poor DH. V glad you got through it as it means we can surely get through our probs.

This weekend has been a bit better and we had a lovely evening out on Thursday. I always feel what you have pinpointed what the problem is you're halfway to making things better. Its a relief to have it 'out in the open'

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CountessDracula · 17/04/2009 12:36

how's things WinkyGirl?

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