Such a wierd situation (long)

[smudgie80]

Ok, so I have posted before but here is the info.

Husband and I have decided to separate.

Can't afford for him to move out, he is v.v. quiet on work front in the coming months no extra cash. We own our flat and could loose it altogether if we have to pay mortage and rent plus bills

We still get along and have a laugh together.

My DH has issues with feeling like he hasn't achieved all he wants in life. Feels like he has missed out on things.

I was sometimes not very supportive of all his ideas a) because some of them would have been logistical nightmares i.e. lets go travelling.....with a baby b) because we have mortgage to pay for c) had all mad crazy ideas that if I said no immediately to, he would get the hump.

However the last few days he will come up and give me a hug, and say, "whats the matter" and enquiring how I feel. I find it confusing because in the past he didn't show me any affection. However, if I ask for a hug he is not very forthcoming.

He has a plan to go off next Summer to do some charity work overseas for a couple of months. I was never very supportive of this in the past because I begrudged being left in with a baby whilst he was out doing his own thing.

However this week he asked me how I felt about him doing this and I told him if it was something he really wanted to do, then I would support him. But why did he need to ask my opinion if we are separated anyway?

He said he was annoyed because I was never like this when we were together. I said I never really appreciated how important this one thing was for him (I didn't, he was always going on about it, but I was negative because it just felt like me doing all the hard work at home).

I told him that in order for me to be supportive, he needed to be loving and appreciative of his family and me and that I didn't get that in the past, hence my reactions.

Its a very strange situation here in my house, we still eat together, theres no tension or friction, he is sleeping in another room and yet we are saying we are separated.

I don't know whether we just need time to work things out.

In the meantime I am trying to do things for myself to make me happy, and get on with the day to day life and upbringing of our DD.

I figure that if it all goes belly up then at least I'll have a life of my own to fall back on?

AARRAARARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!

[unavailable]

It doesnt sound as if you are separated to me. How did it come about that you (both)agreed this and then carried on as you were?

It also sounds as if neither of you want to really split.

[smudgie80]

Well, we had been having issues for a long time, which I guess neither of us would budge on.

He was quite unreasonable at times and I felt like I was just left at home to deal with childrearing, whilst he would go out and socialise/further himself in courses etc.

He never wanted to spend time with me. Wouldn't cuddle me. I felt I had to beg for his attention.

I was quite negative about what he wanted to do (because I felt so left out and unloved!).

We went to one session of counselling where we realised how bad it was.

I lost it because there was one issue he just couldn't see any other way but his and felt there was no way forward.

We both then decided it was best to separate.

Then when it came down to finances realised we were stuck!

But it's not been bad since then.

I realised I would never want him to be unhappy. I would support him even if we werent together.

I felt bad that I didn't appreciate how important these things were to him. Hence my new reaction.

It seems to have taken him by surprise and thrown him.

Wierdly enough I feel happier having just realised that I cannot control someone else's life choices, even if it affects me. I realised that my negativity was making him unhappy and that hurt me. If only he could see that he needs to consider his family also!

I also think that by me saying NO all the time it made him even more stubborn.

Who knows.

[georgiemum]

Maybe you just needed space tp see how you really feel about each other as people, not as partners.

It does sound positive though... I am a bit of an old romantic so I hope you both find happiness.

[Lizzylou]

You both sound like you need to compromise a little and see life from the other's perspective.

Your posts sound like this is not the end of your relationship, but could be the beginning of a happier one (I am an old romantic like georgiemum though).

What could he do to make you happier? What are your dreams/aspirations? He needs to know that it can't all be about him and you sound resentful that you have to stay at home and be the "sensible" one.

[meemar]

It sounds to me that you have something worth saving, if you are both prepared to work hard at it.

Why did you only give counselling one chance? I think a good counseller can help you with all of these issues. Why don't you try going on your own at first, just to talk about how you are feeling about things now.

Good luck - it would be a shame to end a potentially good relationship because neither of you are prepared to back down.

[solidgoldbrass]

For most people, the key issue in whether or not you are a couple is sexual exclusivity. If you and this man consider yourself separated, both of you are at liberty to date and have sex with other people.
How does that make (both of) you feel?

My apologies for pointing out the mundane/obvious if your relationship was already consensually open.

[smudgie80]

solidgoldbrass

weeeeellllll, we did talk about it and decided that it wasnt about dating other people. The thought of him being with someone else tears me apart.

We both said that we wanted to separate work out how we really felt about each other not be with other people.

But since he is at home, it's a very strange situation.

He just has it in his head that we are so different. It's because he is so determined to be here, there and everywhere and I do enjoy just seeing where life takes us, and raising my family.

But I believe that's ok, we may be different but there is a lot we have in common and there's a lot we want to work towards...i.e. a happy family and happy daughter.

We wouldn't stay together just to be miserable. That's what we both said and we WERE (or rather HE WAS) very miserable.

I think I have thrown him a little bit by being more open to his decisions.

I'm wondering if it's too late.

I think I'm just going to continue to be positive and upbeat, show him kindness and work on making myself happier in my life.

I think sometimes you get caught so much in the situation that its hard to see any other way.

[solidgoldbrass]

OK, let's try this again. Are the two of you having sex with each other? If not, do both of you have (currently) low libidos? Because if one or both of you has an active libido and you both agree that you are separated, then the issue of sex with other people is going to, erm, arise.

But if you are living in the same house, eating together, co-parenting your children and having sex with each other, then insisting that you are 'separated' is a bit like insisting that there's a one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater sitting in the bath.