AIBU to think of splitting up with my DP over this?

[Janos]

Cross-posted in Mental health as well.

And I'm not posting in AIBU because I'm feeling quite fragile and not up the general, urm, 'robustness' one gets over there.

Some folk may recall I have posted a couple of time over the last few weeks about feeling depressed/knackered not happy about my body etc. Well, the depressed feeling is not lifting and now I think it's time to go the docs. Long story short, I've had some mental health issues (severe PND) believe me I know the signs. My feeling is, things aren't getting better. Time to see the docs and get some ADs. I know they are not for everyone, that's fine, but for me they have been - literally - a life saver.

Have also been with my DP for around a year. We do not live together. I am a single parent to a lovely - but demanding - DS and work full time. So as you can imagine my life is pretty knackering as it is and I'm constantly juggling.

Anyway.

DP and I have been arguing a bit lately leaving me feeling worn out, I'm not a tempestuous person or an arguer and I find it very draining. I want peace and quiet in my free time. LOL. He is under stress trying to find work etc. He's been a bit short tempered, I've been tired, not a great combination.

Today I tell him I am going to the docs (see above) and he tells me that is not a good idea, exercise and cod liver oil will sort me out. I point out that it's a bit more serious than that and as I've had problems before I know what I'm talking about. So then I get a lecture on mental health and how pills are dangerous etc etc and can promote suicide, his dad knows all about them and used to sell them so he KNOWS they're bad etc whole tone of which was very patronising. I responded fairly calmly I think and sad that really upset me and I was quite angry and would he please leave me alone. To which I got a petulant response about he was having a hard time too and blah blah (it reminded me of my 4 year old stamping his feet and saying NOT FAIR).

To be honest this outburst is the last thing I needed. Reading back this all sounds a bit muddled up but he has done this before - been petulant and angry, picking a fight - and it's wwearing me out.

Right now I'm tired and depressed to be objective about this so I guess I;m looking for some clarity. Thanks.

[OsmosisBOOnana]

Hmm. Sounds like he could do with a dose too. Seriously. Or at least consider the option that it is not just you who is down.

Just keep your head straight, you know what is right for you, no-one else.

Chin up.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Whether exercise and supplements can aid depression, is one discussion, his behaviour is another. He is right that exercise can be good, this is how I got out of depression. My friend ended up nearly committing suicide on ADs, and the withdrawal was so bad once she started cutting down to come off it, she spent a few weeks in bed in a dark room with "lightening bolts" going through her brain every minute or so. The point is, it is not up to him (or me) to tell you what is good for you when you have experience of this already. It is up to you and your doctor. He can of course give his opinion, but not be petulant if you disagree.

Patronising, petulant, angry, tantrum, picking fights - not good supperlatives for a partner. I would get rid..... But does he have any good qualities?

[nickytwotimes]

Hi Janos.

SOunds like your dp is not willing to give you the support you need?

I ahve been on Ads and they are a life saver. Yes, they are not for everyone and for period a few years ago they were being over prescribed, but you sound like you have plenty of insight and are trying to stop yourself getting worse. Going on ads sounds like a good thing to do right now.

i'm not sure quite how you can address this issue with him when he is unwilling to listen to anything outwith his own viewpoint.

[Janos]

I do know, been there, bought the t-shirt and worn it out!

Thank you,

I think he is depressed too.

But I'm sick of being the butt of his temper tantrums while he rants about everything thats wrong and anything I say gets taken the wrong way and get told I'm stupid, don't understand etc.

Then he expects everything to be ok the next day.

Oh dear I'm sounding unsupportive but honestly I'm not.

[themoon66]

I would think you need to put decisions about splitting until after you start feeling better. Don't do anything now you regret in six months when you are the 'real' you again.

[Janos]

No QS..I agree they aren't.

I do agree that exercise can be good, no debating that certainly. When I have the energy and time I like to get stuck in and it does help.

He has apologised in an email and said he lost his temper. But this is getting to be a pattern. I say something, he loses temper (not shouting or violent in anyway just snappy and ranty).

Yes, he does have good qualities. Honestly.

[Janos]

Yes I agree too themoon66.

I wantto be back to my normal cheerful self. I'm a pretty cheerful and positive person when I'm not depressed..despite what you all may think after reading that extended whinge!

[Winebeforepearls]

Although tbh it doesn't sound as if it'll get any better when you're better. He needs to get some help himself or otherwise I'd be off.

[FloriaTosca]

Janos...You seem very clear to me. You know yourself and know how abs work for you. You are doing the right thing in asking for help before things get serious.
He may have problems of his own but you have your ds, yourself, your job and your home to cope with..in my book a lot more responsibility and stress than looking for work. If he is too self absorbed or depressed himself to support you emotionally (or recognise that he needs help too) when you are finding things so difficult and then expects you to put his feelings above your priorities then perhaps you should consider a break to sort yourselves out

[Tortington]

sounds like there is a communication issue, and sorry to go all hippy dr phil - but i think there needs to be a discussion on how you communicate. its only because i have done this a gazillion times. dh now says 1I HEAR WHAT YOUR SAYING, BUT..." WHICHmeans i know he has heard me - however he has a different point of view - ew still row of course but on smaller issues its ok. i think you need to say - i FEEL that you do not consider i have a valid opinion on some matters. To help me FEEL like i do, can you listen to what i say, make active listening movements such as nod your head etc and then when i have finished say that you have HEARD what i am saying before you give me your POV. when you have given me your POV i will acknowledge you with "I hear what you are saying..." and my response.

I FEEL I'm not a tempestuous person or an arguer and I find it very draining. I hope that now you knowhow i FEEL we can try to communicate in a different way.

[Janos]

That's really helpful custardo thank LOL @hippy..sometimes hippy is good I think!

I'm making him sound like a horrible brat. He really isn't. But I am fed up with his behaviour.

[Janos]

I really do appreciate all this advice by the way. Thank you everyone.

[Tortington]

hippy is great, i ama total hippy - dont tellanyone!

[Janos]

custardo I won't!

I am leaning towards lets have a break. But I think he would be upset about that.

When I consider his behaviour it is like he is lashing out at the person he is closest to, I guess that's me.

I am thinking of good points. He is kind, has gsoh, very intelligent. He is quite protective.

[Tortington]

i think if you live seperatley you could v. feasibly say that you get together mon wed fri, sat eve.

that gives you time for your own space

[skidoodle]

You've been with this guy for only a year, he's not the father of your DS, he is unsupportive of your health problems, and you guys fight a lot?

Doesn't sound like a good relationship or that there's much reason to work particularly hard to make it work.

If he's annoying you and you want to break up with him, then do. You don't owe him anything.

[Ivegotaheadache]

Could the way you're feeling at the moment have anything to do with your relationship?

You mention the way you've been feeling for the past few weeks also that you're feeling drained by the arguments ect with your partner.

Just wondering if the two are linked in any way?

[Janos]

Yes I'vegotaheadache suspect the wto maybe linked and skidoodle that had occurred to me as well.

I'll talk to him and take it from there.