Traumatised by my abusive brother and dysfunctional family, just need to 'talk'

[ilovejonty]

About 15 years ago I was severly beaten by my brother. We were in our early 20s and both living at parents' house.

He was, and is, a very violent and aggressive person. He is 6ft 4 tall and very overweight, not sure how much but he is off the scale on a normal set of scales.

A row occurred when he tipped some water (on purpose) on some new make up I had bought. I got upset and the upshot was that he beat me, the worst part was me cowering in a corner next to a glass door being beaten with a chair. He was shouting that he would kill me. I was so scared, when it ended I ran out of the house and drove to the police station. I could barely drive because I was in such pain. When I got there it was closed so I rang a phone thing on the door, but lost my nerve and hung up when someone answered. I then drove to a petrol station and sat for hours crying in the car. I had nowhere else to go so eventually went home. I can't remember what happened but I wasn't hit again that night.

I am still scared of what he is capable of, but since that day(after a long period of not speaking to him at all) I now have an uneasy relationship where I either humour or ignore him.

My parents were there when he beat me but made only superficial efforts to intervene. My mother was very aggressive to me as well and would lose her temper, once when I was 11 she once put her hands around my throat and tried to strangle me.

Ironically I now get on best with my Dad, although when I was very small he was very violent as well, but only after losing his temper with my mother, and I think what he did was accidental, that is he didn't set out to hurt me, but would do things like push me over and I would hit my head on a fireplace.

I don't know what to do or where to go or if this is even worth doing anything about. But I feel very upset and down about my family background and want so badly not to make the same mistakes on my ds 17m as were inflicted on me. Thanks for reading. Sorry it's long.

[Sparkletastic]

have no experience but wanted to bump for you... Have you spoken to a counsellor or do you have a DP who can support you? FWIW I don't think I'd maintain contact with my family if I was in your shoes and I admire you for persevering.

[MincePirate]

god your post has made me very . Now that you are a mum it must make you question it all, and want to protect your ds.

Like sparkle said, counselling, and keeping away from them sounds healthy. You must have alot of left over anger and hurt. Do you have a partenr/freinds to talk too at all, who can give you support?

[ilovejonty]

I would love counselling but can't afford it. I did wonder enquiring to somewhere like the NSPCC to see if they had free/ subsidised counselling for me to talk through my childhood and the impact it had, but like I said I don't know, in some ways I feel stupid as I was not regularly beaten but when I was it was bad.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

Ilovejonty. What a terrible event. From your brief post it sounds as though violence was a part of your and your brother's upbringing and he has absorbed it and is continuing the pattern. The fact that you have posted on here and recognise is dysfunctional suggests that you will break the pattern and your son will not suffer in the way you suffered at the hands of your parents and latterly your brother. If you are really worried that the violence may surface in you then you should definitely get to see a counsellor either privately or via your GP and the NHS.

My mother was violent, she would hit with hands, wooden spoons, rulers and whaever else was to hand. She used to pull me around by the hair and generally use her physical size to intimidate me as a child. I have to say that I have never been like this with my son. I remember too well what is was like to be on the receiving end to do it to another person. I have had counselling to help me with various issues around my upbringing and it has helped me enormously.

If you are feeling down then it is definitely worth doing something. Good luck.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

Just seen your last post. The counselling I got was via my GP. It cost me nothing. Please go speak to your GP.

[ilovejonty]

I should have added that my parents were very violent to each other, that is, they would physically fight, tearing each others' hair out. I disctinctly remember sitting on the floor watching this regularly. The dreadful thing was that we were made to feel we had to 'side' with one of them via manipulative comments. I know now, through talking to other people, that my childhood was not normal, but we never mixed with other children (apart from in class at school) so I never had expreience of what was normal in a young family.

[ilovejonty]

Accio, thanks for that but I have previously had GP counselling on another of my issues and I think I have used my quota (they said you could have 6 sessions free).

[ilovejonty]

Accio, thanks for that but I have previously had GP counselling on another of my issues and I think I have used my quota (they said you could have 6 sessions free).

[AccioPinotGrigio]

How awful.

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Are you still in contact with them?

[cfc]

The behaviour is NOT predisposed to carry on from one generation to the next and you have the power to stop this cycle of violence right now.

FWIW you sound like a very sweet, gentle and mild person and unless you've had any episodes in the past where you yourself have seen the red mist your family seem prone to, then I should imagine you'll live a peaceful and happy life with your LO.

I also do this counselling is something you could consider. I don't know about you, but I simply wouldn't be around these people, nor would my children - but that is your choice.

Even the fact that you are thinking about this shows what a good mother you are - but what happened in the past is just that, in the past. Please see your GP and ask for a referral and don't give up, push for it.

Good luck x

[AccioPinotGrigio]

X-posts. I meant how awful for you to see your parents fighting. But that's bad news about the counselling. I had more than 6 free sessions with the NHS psychs and wasn't aware there was a quota. Have you checked with them, it seems unreasonable to tell a suffering person that they are no longer entitled to help.

[ilovejonty]

Yes I am still in contact with them. Because they were all I had, I never had any friends (was actively discouraged) and consequently felt (and still feel in some small way) kind of dependant/ scared (? struggling to define) to loose contact completely.

I was very isolated socially until a few years ago when I got married (following huge interference and disruption from them).

[wideratthehips]

this is a horrendous story and i really feel for you. please find support on here where you can.

i come from a difficult background with lots of varing issues which have affected me, but a long time ago i had to shed the skin of the person who had been damaged when i met my husband and knew i wanted to be with him and have children. i have two lovely children and expecting dc3 and i cannot imagine doing anything to them, putting them in a dangerous abusive situation or allowing anything to happen to them.

i imagined that i would never have children because i wouldn't know how to parent and nurture because this had never happened to me....not true

i imagined that i would have a spiteful vicous temperament towards my children when they pissed me off....not true

i imagined that i could never be warm and freely give unconditional love to them....not true

i am enriched through them by loving them and wanting them to go on to be stable adults and hopefully happy people in a relationship and becoming a parent of their own

[AccioPinotGrigio]

wideratthehips - what a wonderful post.

I thank every god in the book for giving me my husband and son because it's only since I've had them that I've been able to grow as a person and shake off my childhood experiences.

Ilovejonty - does your husband know about the violence in your family? Does he support you?

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you sound like such a sweet person.
you also sound as if you are still scared of them?

Are they likely to kick off again? in front of your child?
Does your husband know about this?
If yes, then what does he say?

[ilovejonty]

My husband does know and he does try to support me. He is not good at talking things through though. He has been wonderful in that he has made me see what strange people my family are. Until I met him I had no idea my upbringing was so far from normal. It is now I see how bad it really was that I feel I want to talk about it! It's as if I suddenly have a right to be upset and all the emotions are flooding out.

Yes widerathips' was great post, thanks.

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You are more than welcome on this thread they are all lovely people willing to help. They have all had difficult upbringings, some have cut contact with one or both of their parents, some are still in touch. Most importantly there will always be someone there who is willing to help you through whichever route you wish to take.

More
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[ilovejonty]

More - thank you, will do xx

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Even if your husband was willing to listen I doubt that he would ever fully understand, no matter how lovely he is. This is why I use Mumsnet, and especially the above thread.

[ilovejonty]

More - should I post the whole story on the 'stately homes' thread? Have added a link to this thread. Not sure of the etiquette.

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It would probably be easiest if you copy pasted the story on to that thread.

[TheProvincialLady]

It has to be worth speaking to your GP about this and seeing if there is anything else available. Other forms of support can come via your church (if you are a member of one) - they often have counsellors you can see for free or very cheaply for a while. Or sometimes counsellors will see you very cheaply if you are on a low income.

Sorry you have had to go through this