Ex moving abroad- what about kids?

[blinks]

my friend has 2 kids with ex and up to now shares custody so receives no money towards children's upkeep... suddenly he's moving to another country (within Europe) to 'start afresh' with new female (friend has new partner also so this isn't an issue in itself).

he wants her to 'work something out' between them but she will struggle financially and has another child and a 2 bedroom flat.

anyone have any experience of this kind of set up working and what she should do financially???

they weren't married and split several years ago and have an amicable relationship but only for sake of kids.

any advise welcome!

[BrownSuga]

Dh and I have moved abroad for work and unfortunately he has a DD left behind. We pay an amount agreed between the parents, also we fly (or will, first trip is in 3 weeks time), the DD over every 6mths for 2 weeks at a time.

Fortunately Inlaws are very involved and have taken up the every 2nd weekend visits on our behalf and any additional where the xW needs.

He keeps in touch by webcam and is phoning also. I guess we'll see how well this is working when she visits.

[Klaw]

Crikey....!

dp and I dreamed of moving to NZ, but it was just a dream as I couldn't move away from ds, then living with ex.

Now ds is back living with me and I still couldn't move away as I couldn't take him away from his father.

Until my dc is independent I would never dream of moving away from him/her or moving him/her away from his/her other parent. End of.

So I think that your friend's ex is being selfish and thoughtless. This comes from an adult who's father buggered off left and was not consistent in her life so I KNOW how this hurts children in the short term and the long term.

Sorry, I've not been much help

[muggglewump]

She can still claim for maintenance if the country he is moving to has a reciprocal agreement with the UK.

I'll have a look for a link.

[muggglewump]

here

Sorry, I can't help with anything else as my DD's Dad left when she was very young and has never wanted a relastionship with her

[blinks]

thanks everyone- am off to look at the link mugglewump...

he's never paid maintenance before as they've split custody, her having mon night- friday aft and him friday aft- mon morn. not fair in my opinion as having them mid week means she couldn't work to support them the way he could having them on the weekends.

i think money isn't the main issue though, it's more the whole notion of him wanting to move away from the kids and the impact on them.

very tricky.

he is selfish in my opinion, klaw.

[Klaw]

I didn't mean to sound judgemental at all, but my personal opinion is that children need easy access to both parents at all times. And both parents need each other readily available to discuss school issues/discipline/achievements etc.

although Brownsuga's situation is not ideal for her step dd it does sound like they are making the best of it for the dd, and I hope it works for them.

[fossa]

A 'fresh start' !

You dont get a fresh start when you have kids...

Wanker.

[muggglewump]

Klaw
Sometimes that isn't possible. It isn't in my case.
What you say would be good in theory
If you have to tell someone that this is the best way, it usually means they don't care.

[BrownSuga]

I think it depends if there is a stable stepfather figure also, as is in the case of DH's DD.

I also had an absent father from the age of 2-26. I had a stepdad, who really was my dad, so I didn't miss having a father around as much as I probably would have if my mother had been single.

We discussed our situation with a friend before we moved who also had the same situation as a child. Her father moved to Europe. She was quite matter of fact, and said she just got on with it. It was slightly easier as when she felt she missed him, she could pop on a plane.

In our case, DDs DM and H plan to move also in the next 2-3yrs, so we figured we wouldn't stand in her way and expected the same consideration in return. We took the opportunity as it arose, and DHs DD benefits from being able to experience where we live as well. Hoping it will broaden her mind and show her there are many ways to live and have relationships. Just because he isn't there physically it doesn't mean her father doesn't care, and she knows that.

I guess apart from financial help she will need assurances of how/when the frequency and duration of when the children will see him. It might be worth writing up a private agreement which will cover all these issues, so they all know where they stand and what is expected.

[Klaw]

I appreciate your situation is different Mugglewump, and my heart aches for your dd not having her father as a loving presence in her life. I'm in my 40s now and still feel the pain of my father not being there for me. But then my father would resurface every now and again before disappearing once more. That HURTS. I assume your dd's father is gone for good? You can therefore provide other loving male role models and she will never be hurt time and again by her biological father.

IF a father is present, then like Brownsuga's dh he must be consistent and I'd prefer if if it was close enough to visit daily if need be. But when I read my post written at the same time as hers it seemed hard so I posted again to say I could see that they were actually doing the best they could to make it work and I genuinely hope that it does. But I made a decision long ago that I would not move a child away from a parent or move away from a child. When exdh moved ds an hour away that was a struggle for me, but we adapted. Now ds has come back to me by choice and I would not take him much further away from his dad. That being said ds is now 15 so he will be making his own way in life in a few more years

I'm glad that exdh and I get on quite well now and we are a united front when it comes to ds. I suppose that's the most important thing no matter the distance.