Screwed everything up and need to post to get some clarity - any advice appreciated.

[Ruined]

Sorry this is long.

I've been married to DH for 5.6 yrs and we have 3 DCs who are 4.6, 3.6 and 0.6. DH is a lovely, talented man but he has a problem controlling his temper. Over the last 5 years he has done several things - incidents that immediately spring to mind are

Smashing up most of the downstairs of the house because he couldn't find his car keys one morning
Screaming / shouting directly into the DCs and (to a lesser extent) my face many times over the years
Kicking throwing objects because he is in a huff (although often we don't know why)
Smashing up the inside of the car because the dc/s wouldn't stop crying/screaming/whinging etc - many times.
Swearing badly at the DCs with an agressive tone - many times
Shaking and droppng babyDC onto a sofa at 7wo because he wouldn't sit still .

He can go for several weeks or maybe months without acting like this at all but I never leave him alone with the DCs as I do not consider it safe to do so (huge strain on me). When he is not like this he is a kind, loving and caring father and DH. Yes I realise that is a strange thing to say.

He has recently improved but I realised I could not trust him and asked for a trial separation to which he reluctantly agreed then did nothing to make it happen (i.e finding somewhere to move to etc). He has been living in the family home as he has nowhere else to go, it has been decided that the DCs and I should move out (very sad for DCs ) and I have been trying to sort this out.

For months I have been chatting to a man who I considered my friend, I later realised he wanted more. I discouraged him but after DH and I decided to split I gave this man my mobile number. I have been meeting up with him from time to time and have fallen for him (and him for me). Last weekend DH found a text from this man on my mobile and has demanded I stop seeing him or DH and I will divorce under grounds of adultery immediately.

I don't want this to happen, I would like to spent time away from DH, I find it very stressful living with him and it has a big effect on the DCs as I am far more grumpy with them than I would otherwise like to be (no excuse though). I would like DH to get his temper sorted and maybe one day I will be able trust him again and live together as a family once more. DH says we either stick together from now on (i.e as a couple) or we divorce because of this other man. I can see his point, he doesn't want me back 'used' - his phrase not mine. I know what I have done is wrong. It is very out of character for me (I am usually incredibly faithful) but then I am feeling so abandoned - each time I need DH he isn't there for me, even for the slightest things like holding the baby while I call the emergency docs. I have no family or close frineds I can rely on nearby. If anyone feels I am not a monster for meeting up with other man please say so because right now the guilt is making me want to end everything. I really believe my DCs will be better off without me.

Other man is very willing to live with me and the DCs and his DCs too in fact if I move out it looks as though that is what we will have to do (complicated circumstances which I can't explain on here).

What do I do? I love the other man, I love my DH but I cannot live with him and feel safe. If I move out DH says things are over regardless of if I see the other man or not. If I stay here I will just have to shut down permanently I think and pretend everything is OK - DH says he has changed - I don't believe he could have done and I cant trust him anyway. If I go off with the other man I have taken my DCs away from their dad, hurt DH who is my best friend and lost our home. If I stay with DH I will be heartbroken because of the other man who is fantastic with my DCs, kind, gentle and many other things besides.

Please say what you think - this hurts so much nothing anyone else could say would hurt more.

Thanks for reading.

[blinks]

be on your own.

definately.

[Mamazontopofsanta]

you need to decide whether you want, in thelong term, to improve your marriage or to end it and move on.

It all sounds very simple and im sure its not. but if you want even teh slightest chance of your relatiosnhip with your Dh improving you will have to completly end all contact with the other man.

if you do decide to make a go of it with your Dh then he should most certainly be the one to leave. it is completly unfair to expect such young children to move out siply to (hopefully) move back in again. it is a huge upheaval for them and could be very damaging. i cannot see why on earth either of youwould have considered this a good plan.

he also needs to seek help for his anger isue's immediatly. you cannot live with a man you do not trust around your children.

I cannot tell you whether to choose yoru Dh or this OM but it is a decision you will HAVE to make.

[Ruined]

I don't think it is a good plan for us to leave - it is our only option as we cannot afford for DH to rent somewhere and pay the mortgage, if I move out I will get help towards the rent. CAB say this is the only way it can be done under our circumstances.

He has his first anger management appointment next week.

blinks - thanks, thats what I thought too.

[cluelessnchaos]

You need live onyour own with your babies and make the next step from there, if you want to go on and have another relationship it should be at a distance from the one you are leaving, from what you have described I think you ahve been looking for an easier way out of the relationship you are in. What I would do is try and imagine myself in any given situation in ten years time and see which sits easier with me.

[Mamazontopofsanta]

then i think you need to work out whether this is definitly a temporary situation or one that is likely to become more permenant.

It is a lot to put your children through for teh sake of a few months.

[WotsThatSkippy]

Woah.

I think you need to forget about having another relationship for a while and just be on your own, sort your head out and focus on our kids.

[solidgoldbrass]

I am amazed that the CAB say that. Have you told them that your shitbag of a partner is violent and that you fear for your safety and your children's safety? He can be made to leave and barred from returning, you know.

Though it would be very unsafe to say this to a worthless bullying tosspot like your partner, what you should be thinking is 'Serves you right that I looked for respect and kindess elsewhere when you showed me none, you inadequate bullying wanker.'

[Ruined]

Thanks. You see that is the problem. He wants to know how long term this split will be but I daren't say for fear of being wrong. I wish I could tell how I will feel.

If after 6 or 12 months of being apart I feel I am still unable to trust him because of what has gone before then there is no hope really is there? But maybe I can 'reset' my mind and move on after a certain time. It is hard to take the image of him shaking my baby boy out of my mind, it is also hard to take the image of him playing happily with my older children out of my mind too.

I feel it would be worth putting my children through this for a few months if it achieves the result I want, me to be able to trust DH again and DH to be trustworthy.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I don't think you should be feeling guilty about the other man - but I also think you should stop things with him. You're in the middle of a giant mess with your husband, it is very unlikely that this other man is a good choice. If he is, then he'll still be there in a year, when the dust has cleared, and you can see things properly. It sounds like the existance of this other man is what's giving you the strength to leave your DH, but the choice isn't "DH or other man". It's "you and the kids or DH". Pick.

If your DH had honestly changed, if he had really changed, then he'd be willing to take a break. I understand he's frightened, and trying to keep control - I think the whole 'if you go off with him I will never be with you again' is bluster, but it's understandable bluster. But 'stay here with me and don't leave, or it's over forever' is bullying shit.

[Ruined]

Solidgold - yes he can be made to leave but then I cannot pay the mortgage so I would have to leave too anyway. Yes sometimes I really do think - well what the hell did he expect, he abandonded me when I needed him and boy, was I alone in all this. This however, is no excuse though I guess.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Is couples counselling an option, by the way?

It really doesn't sound like he's taking responsibility for his actions, if he doesn't understand you wanting to leave.

Oh, and he says he's changed - how long has he been 'changed' for? What's to stop him changing back? Trust doesn't appear overnight - he's been destroying your trust for years. It will take a while for the trust to come back.

[TotalChaos]

agree with NQC and Solid. If shaking a 7 week old didn't give him enough incentive to sort out his behaviour I'm not optimistic that a few months even with anger management will turn him into a trustworthy father. I think you should get legal advice or at the very least speak to Women's Aid.

[Mamazontopofsanta]

so what will happen once you move out?
Is he going to seek counselling? or anger managment?

otherwise i cannot see how you moving out will rectify anything.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm with sgb. Serves him right. Stop beating yourself up over the infidelity thing - your marriage was broken by the time this started. It started after you decided to split, and your DH knew you were planning to split. But he's trying to make the problem this other man, when the problem is your 'D'H's violence and anger.

He's not taking responsibility for his actions. He is trying to blame you for everything. Was it your fault (in his view) when he lost his temper, too?

[solidgoldbrass]

He can be made to leave but still legally obliged to contribute financially. He is violent. He can be barred from contacting you at all but still obliged to contribute financially.
Anger management doesn't work with abusive men BTW. It just makes them even more self-obsessed and controlling, and teaches them ways to conceal their violence from outsiders while they continue abusing their families.

[Ruined]

NQC - nail on head! He has told DCs it's their fault he shouted, it's my fault for not being a better wife and looking after him properly etc etc. Looked into relate, spoken to local charity about domestic abuse, housing issues etc. Legal advise is the next step.

Me moving out really is to see if I can forget and trust again (I can't do that living with him as I am constantly rushing about trying to stop anything setting him off - old habit) - I don't want to lose him but I cannot forget what has gone before.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'd read that, too, sgb. What does work with abusive men?

[TotalChaos]

Yes I've also read that that - and it makes sense - as these men don't usually smash their workplace or their friends' house up - so don't have much problem controlling their anger when they want to. I think there are specific "perpetrator" courses - but it would be a big step for this type of man to admit they are a perpetrator and wholly at fault.

Ruined - I am concerned that if you move out for a few months and get back with him, all that will change is that you fall for his promises more easily because you haven't been living in fear. He really sounds frighteningly remorseless.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Relate may well not be any help to you, then. I'd somehow hoped that (maybe) him changing meant he realised that what he was doing was wrong. But if he's still blaming you for his anger, he has not changed at all. And I don't think Relate accept abusive situations - I think they will tell you both it's an abusive situation, and he needs help before Relate makes sense.

You need to move out also to reset the situation. And because, who the fuck wants to live with someone who treats them that way?!?

Please do move out, your children deserve to be set a better example, and you deserve a better life.

The problem isn't you forgetting or trusting, or you (understandably) shagging this other bloke. The problem is him being a complete nightmare asshole.

[Ruined]

Funny you should mention the workplace thing. He lost one job due to violence (before we were together) then he was suspended twice at his next job for punching a hole through a wall and damaging a machine - separate incidents. There were many, many other incidents there - he is well known for his explosive temper. Shame I knew nothing of this until I married him.

[Ruined]

just to add - haven't shagged 'tother bloke

[ib]

You haven't screwed anything up - he has.

If he really wanted to make things work he would be willing to let you go - even if that meant to another man - and work on himself to make himself fit to be with you again.

Anything else is just him trying to control you.

[NotQuiteCockney]

You haven't even shagged the other bloke, just met up with him and fallen for him? Sheesh.

Maybe the explosive temper everywhere is a good sign, maybe anger management will help ...

[Mamazontopofsanta]

if he is still, despite you speaking about an end of yoru marriage, doesn't see that his violance is a problem he will never seek any real help with his temper.

there is very little point convincing yourself he will change if he is unwilling to.

yes move out. but don't allow people to believe it is a break, it wont be. youneed to understand that this man will never change unless he wants to...he clealry doesn't see his anger is a problem so why would he want to change it?

If you want to check my posting history you will see this is an area i have significant experiance. please don't hang about long enough to get your own.

[Ruined]

ib thank you . That is what I think but no-one else understands. If he really wanted me he would have to make the effort and realise this is a consequence of HIS actions. But then that sounds as if I am doing this deliberately just to get back at him and I'm not. I so badly don't want to hurt him but I have.

I'm really not the tart who is bored and looking for fun he frequently has made me out to be of late.